Question for the women who aren't gettin' busy
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Anonymous
| I think the word "withholding" is the wrong word, OP. I think you want him to initiate so that you will feel more attractive to him. I can understand that but you probably need to stoke the fire a bit to get him interested at this point since you have been making accusatory barbs. If you make him feel like you really want it, and you make an effort with him, you can probably get things started again. This is up to you. Also, I would say that clearly you are the one withholding here because you will have sex with him only on the condition that he asks for it and makes you feel wanted first. |
Anonymous
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So let me get this straight:
You don't initiate, BUT you insult him and throw low-blows in the heat of arguments because HE doesn't initiate... and you think that should make him want to initiate? Okay. |
Anonymous
Give OP a break, she is frustrated. But seriosly OP I went through and continue to go through this. You know on an intellectual level that your insults have the exact opposite effect that you want. For me, what worked was losing 20 lbs, getting a job and not thinking about him anymore! Ha! Seriously, I got my groove back to beyond were it even was before we got married. Then he was begging--I turned him down for a long time because I was really hurt by his rejection that had gone on for years. Eventualy though, y'know, I gave him some. |
Anonymous
I agree. I certainly wouldn't feel comfortable initiating sex with someone who insulted me like that. I'd totally fear rejection or that it would be thrown back in my face. |
Anonymous
Aw c'mon...she's hormonal and feeling rejected and it doesn't sound like she says this stuff often - three times in over a year. Not condoning her behavior at all but OP is human and at she could say A LOT worse than "we're not screwing" - how is that the lowest she can go? That being said, OP needs to approach her DH in a calm moment and communicate her feelings using "I" statements, ad PP advised. No more attacks. But I guess I don't understand this vitriol towards OP. |
ThatSmileyFaceGuy
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Her full insult is "We're not screwing so why should I care" That takes it down to a new level. She is saying that the only thing he is good for is sex and since he's not providing that why should she care what he wants. After being rejected a few times his self esteem is low enough that he is probably at the "why bother trying - she'll come to me when she wants it" stage and tho she complains that she wants sex but refuses to initaite. She deserves her frustration. |
Anonymous
op here, and LOL! I would have said the same a couple of years ago, but we're actually loving our second go around. We're older (obviously), more relaxed about the whole thing, better off financially...plus our 3rd is the opposite sex of our first two, so it's a whole new ball game! Wow...I came back to lots of good comments, helpful and very insightful. I do think familiarity does make intimacy more difficult in some ways. We know each other soooo well, it's hard to take on a different role in the bedroom without feeling self-conscious, or like a fake. Also, thank you to those who get that I just want to feel wanted, and I guess his initiating it would display that to me. I mean, what guy turns it down when the other starts it? Probably not many. So I want to feel like he wants it, and if I start it, he's just doing what any man would do, but by him starting it, he actually wants me. I am surprised that my "barbs" were seen as the next worst thing to cutting off his manhood, though. I know they are mean but I've only done it a couple-three times and it's not like I said he stinks in the sack or that I wished his mom would die or something. I just say something along the lines of "why should I care about this or that since we're not screwing?" (where this or that could be the cause of the fight.) I know, the two have nothing to do with each other it seems, but I think that's what fights are...dredging up what is really bothering you & throwing it out. But, geez, if that's the most hateful thing or lowest blow ever made, then there are some pretty perfect marriages around DC. But, even at that, it will cause me to reevaluate everything I say during an argument and make sure it's not insulting or overboard. The "I" statement advice is very good, thank you! I'm way confused by the crazy's comments: I don't know how me not initiating = me withholding, and I'm definitely not saying "that the only thing he is good for is sex and since he's not providing that why should she care what he wants". I think he's stretching it too far, but maybe he's projecting some of his own past issues. Not sure. Finally, my appearance...it's blech. I'm overweight and in desperate need of a haircut and eyebrow wax. I haven't had a spa pedicure in 4 months. But the good news is I'm dieting and going this weekend to get "refreshed" for our spring break! Maybe that will make the difference. 
But, back to my original question, is anyone else's DH the one not wanting the action, or is it usually the woman that's not interested? |
Anonymous
OP, I wrote one of the more understanding posts earlier but I really don't think you are getting it. Fights are NOT about dredging up what is really bothering you and throwing it out in a mean, nasty, unhealthy way. "Fights" should be about working things out. Making digs like that accomplishes nothing and creates bitterness for both people. You really need to rethink your approach and try to find some sensitivity about how your DH might be taking these comments. The guys who responded saw it as a low blow. Chances are your DH sees it the same way whether you think it makes sense or not. And I will tell you that it does NOT make sense to approach a problem in that way. Why can't you tell him that you would like him to make you feel wanted? Also why can't you do some things that he might see as sexy or as making an effort for him? About your question: I have friends whose husbands really won't have sex with them no matter what they do. And they are doing NICE things to get their husbands in the mood. It can go either way. Usually it seems to be the wife who loses interest but the explicit forum is full of women who aren't getting any from their husbands. My husband and I are kind of mutually uninterested most of the time because we are tired when we see each other but he does make me feel sexy and wanted so that helps. |
Anonymous
Thank you, no I do get it, I was just explaining what I did, but I do understand it's not a healthy way to fight and I am going to reevaluate how I respond. I was just surprised that it was considered SO low. Not that I think it's right, just that I didn't think it was that bad. But this has been eye-opening, so again, I sincerely do thank those that have been helpful!! |
Anonymous
| For me, DW has some health issues, combined with some major stresses in our life over the past year. I don't typically initiate for fear of rejection, though I kiss her every night with an unspoken question. We had sex last month (she responded to the question) and I was walking on air for a few days. |
Anonymous
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"But, back to my original question, is anyone else's DH the one not wanting the action, or is it usually the woman that's not interested? "
Why does this matter. Focus on your own set of circumstances. My DH and I went through a rough patch after the birth of our first child. We never really argued but the tension and resentment was noticeable. We barely had sex. I refused to approach him bc I thought that f he wanted me he would mave a move and he did not make any moves. One day, after he was bitching about some tiny thing I said to him that if he woudl try and get some he would not be so grumpy. He retorted - you do not create an "environment for sex". That comment stopped me in my tracks and I explored further. There I was thinking that he did not want me when he did byt was just getting vibes that I did not want him (goign to bed in sweatpants, not making any effort to look attractive to him, barely paying him any attention). The morale of the story is that instread of trying to figure out what is "normal" talk to your DH and try to get to the root of yiur issues. Good Luck |
Anonymous
| to get back to your original question: things changed during my second pregnancy--our family life was more tiring, DH also had work stress-- and I realized that DH was not always going to initiate and sometimes was going to be "too tired" (Hey, that's my line!). after dealing with my feelings of rejection (and realizing that now the shoe was on the other foot), I would initiate when I wanted to be intimate and didn't get ruffled when it didn't happen--which also helped when the situation was reversed since neither of us felt that we were always the one to initiate or get turned down, etc. One good thing is that we had a serious discussion about intimacy and how we didn't want it to get totally lost in the day to day of our lives, so we are at least on the same page about finding time, which usually means turning off the computers, etc, and getting into bed ridiculously early. Also, while I don't tell DH this, I basically take the attitude that unless I'm really, really freaking exhausted or sick, I don't turn down his approaches since I think having sex with one's spouse is a good thing to do, and most of the time I get into it pretty fast and even if I don't, if DH is satisfied, I am happy with that (not as an overall balance in our sex life, but just saying that I can be happy getting him off and going to bed, it doesn't have to be 50/50 all the time). I figure its cheaper and easier and more fun than couples therapy. Plus, we're fairly well matched in terms of frequency of desire--if he wanted sex daily, I might be turning him down more. |
Anonymous
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Cheaper and easier, I love it! Thank you Pps for the thoughtful posts!
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Anonymous
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OP, do you really think that the fact you have a new child is not related? It seems like you brushed that off - we both love it! - which may be true for you, but not for your husband. I'm not saying he consciously hates you and doesn't want the new child, just that it may be impacting your relationship more than you think.
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Anonymous
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OP - I totally *get* your frustration. Who would have ever imagined that men turn down sex!?! It makes us feel like undesirable, ugly toads - right?
Have you had a frank discussion with him about his sexual fantasies and desires? Is there anything you know he wants to try, that you haven't offered? Do you watch porn together? If not, surprise him by turning some on tonight as you go to bed. |