Picky / Not Picky?
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Anonymous
| I am 36 and single. I keep hearing that women my age are too picky and maybe I am. Can you tell me what characteristics / traits / qualities you were picky about and what ones you weren't. What were your must haves and what were your compromisable / don't care traits? |
Anonymous
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I met my husband at 35 - I was picky. I had been through a horrible first marriage really young and wasn't going to settle for something like that again.
Most of my friends of my same age were really focused in on looks, money, car, etc. Someone to take care of them, etc. I realized that as long as someone could make me laugh and really be a true partner in life - he could be a good husband. So I went out on a lot of first dates. If I had a good time and he made me laugh, he got a second date. It helps to narrow down what you are looking for in a guy, not just the abstract "perfect" guy, but what really interests you. |
Anonymous
| What's wrong with being picky? |
Anonymous
| Spinsterhood. |
ThatSmileyFaceGuy
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Until you realize that by being overly picky and dismissing potential partners because they don't check off EVERY line on your list of attributes, that you may be missing out on the relationship that you were destined for, and end up bitter and alone . |
Anonymous
You might have something in your head...some princess/ideal/RomCom that doesn't quite measure up to real life. My DH is a wonderful husband. He's funny, he's quirky in a way that is perfect for me. He leaves me gifts (he got me a book that I LOVED that was out of print and he fixed my broken jewlery box that my grandmother gave me). He's not perfect and he's not the type of guy I would have imagined myself with in my 20s. In my mind on my "check list" of things, he has probably 90% of them. I don't know how many on his check list, I have. He'd probably say 99% 
The point is, if you wait for Mr. 100%....he's not coming. Life isn't the movies. |
Anonymous
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One more thing...when I say he's not perfect. He's not.
But I'm not either. The point, is....no one is perfect. You are probably a flawed person as well. You just have to find someone to make your flaws work with. Oh, and...the older you get...the more flawed you get
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Anonymous
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Op here..thanks. I guess I am really just not sure what to compromise on. I don't really care about looks but I do care about being physically attracted to him and having sexual chemistry. I don't really care about money but I do care that he is financially independent and responsible with money. I don't really care about education but I do care that he is intelligent and can have meaningful discussions.
I am mid thirties - I know who I am and i am not sure how not to be picky. I know that I really don't mesh well with people who are uptight/Type A/rigid/high stress as I am spontaneous, laid back, and flexible. I But is that picky? I love to travel, to go on adventures, to explore the world off the beaten track. I have traveled almost every year of my life. So I don't really want to be with someone who is a homebody who has no interest in the world and who hates traveling. But is that too picky? I know how I feel about myself as a woman and have ideas about gender roles. I broke up with one guy because I hated how he treated his mother, another because he wanted/expected me to me an emotional mess that he could fix and didn't really think women could have it all together. But is that too picky? I guess I am not sure where I am being picky and the reality of being single in my thirties where I knew who I am and what I want. |
Anonymous
| Wanting someone with whom you have good sexual chemistry, who has good financial sense, and who can engage in intelligent discussions, and who has a similar personality as you are pretty sensible goals and if you don't screen for those you may well end up divorced given that sex, money and compatibility are key components in a marriage. I'll also thrown in emotional maturity. Travel is nice but less of a requirement - you can convert someone into a traveler, find other travel companions, and, oh yeah, if you plan to have kids you won't be traveling in the same way you did while single. |
Anonymous
| OP you are not being too picky. It is good you know what you want. The 2 areas you might want to cut some slack are travel... maybe guy never had time, or money or was exposed to travel but if he is willing then consider it. The other thing is give a guy a chance that maybe doesn't fit your typical mode.... you mention type a people... just keep an open mind. Never date a guy that is horrible to wait staff or his mother. Believe you will find someone. Also be open, meaning make sure there is room for a guy in your life. I met my husband at 34. He was 32. We got married when I was 37 and he was 35. They usually don't look exactly like you picture. |
Anonymous
| Yeah, the traveling would be the only thing that I would be flexible on, but all of the other things that you mention are completely reasonable and even wise. |
Anonymous
I get that. Here is my story though. I was, in my younger and more naive days, not picky at all. Let me clarify. I used to see the "potential" in every guy who paid any attention to me. I saw "qualities" in them that no one else saw (because most of the time they were there). I think I loved the idea of these past men more than I loved them. So in my old age of 33 I decided to stop settling for everything that comes my way and wait not for the perfect guy, but perfect for me. I'd love to meet someone who will love me and who I'd love back. But being a spinster is not the end of the world. Not after what I've been through. |
Anonymous
I am the PP directly above. To me this doesn't sound picky. However, we always seem to view ourselves in the best light. Sometimes it takes someone who knows us well to give us the cold truth. Do you have a friend like that? Sometimes, we just have bad luck. Maybe it's this...I don't know (or maybe I do). But, I have a friend who has had two really bad relationships in 30s. To me, it was bad luck. I also have a friend who is extremely picky. I don't know which you are - but maybe your friends can tell you. |
ThatSmileyFaceGuy
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I can see that, it's those (both men and women) that might turn aside the charming, funny, intelligent prospect for something as silly as they aren't tall enough, or don't have the right career, or not travelled enough. Those are the ones that are being too picky. |
Anonymous
| I second the ask a fried suggestion or ask yourself again if you have ever rejected a guy because of height or something like that. I posted above. I meet my husband at 34 when I joined a class to learn soemthing. We met in the class. I let, well truthfully I needed a lot of help from him because he was at an advanced level. It was krav maga. Physical fitness is important to both of us. Try a new class or activity or do something you love. If its running join a running group. Go skiing, take an art class, volunteer... take a different metro or try a new coffee shop. Be yourself. |