Help breaking the news to my best friend who is TTC

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[Post New]08/14/2011 20:38
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Anonymous
Oh please, quit deliberately being obtuse at my suggestion that "studies" about pain really tell us anything about an individual and their experience. Either way, I know parents who have lost their kids and there is no way that infertility is worse than that. Sorry, but there is nothing worse than losing a child. I would say that about the stress of having a severely ill child too. I don't need studies to tell me that, since I'm human and all.


What are you talking about? You wrote you couldn't believe that there are lists of life stressors out there, but there are, it's a a well known matter in psychiatry and psychology. And loosing a child is of course very very high on that list! I don't recall where infertility is on that list, but it's not in the very top, of course (death of spouse is).
I really don't know why you are insulting me and throwing a fit.
[Post New]08/14/2011 21:42
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Oh please, quit deliberately being obtuse at my suggestion that "studies" about pain really tell us anything about an individual and their experience. Either way, I know parents who have lost their kids and there is no way that infertility is worse than that. Sorry, but there is nothing worse than losing a child. I would say that about the stress of having a severely ill child too. I don't need studies to tell me that, since I'm human and all.


What are you talking about? You wrote you couldn't believe that there are lists of life stressors out there, but there are, it's a a well known matter in psychiatry and psychology. And loosing a child is of course very very high on that list! I don't recall where infertility is on that list, but it's not in the very top, of course (death of spouse is).
I really don't know why you are insulting me and throwing a fit.


You originally stated that you read a study that compared infertility to losing (it's losing by the way, not loosing) a relative to cancer, and I just thought it was a silly thing to say. Of course there are studies out there studying everything, but would you really walk up to a person with cancer or who recently lost their spouse or child to cancer and say, "I know you feel bad, but studies show infertility is worse, so aren't you glad you aren't going through that?" I mean I just didn't feel like it informed the discussion. To justify this woman's reaction to her friend being pregnant by saying it is worse than cancer or the death of a relative is a pointless thing to say. I don't care what ANY study says, no one has a right to go around saying their experience or suffering is somehow worse or more unimaginable than another person's tragedy. It's sick.
[Post New]09/30/2011 08:04
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Anonymous
OP here. First off, I want to thank you all for your responses. I considered each and every one of them before I broke the news yesterday. Despite my best efforts to show some empathy, while being concise and straight from the heart, the response was almost worst than the last time. She just rehashed her feelings from the last time, adding a few more barbs. It was incredibly hurtful, but I have now realized that my efforts at rebuilding this have been one-sided. I cried my eyes out for one night which brought on a terrible migraine that kept me up all night, but in the light of day, I have decided I can't afford to let this take me down again. So, I will do my best move ahead as sad as I am that this friendship seems hopeless.

I hope all of you in this situation have better luck than I did. I know it can be INCREDIBLY painful for everyone involved.

Again, thank you so much for ALL of your responses.
[Post New]09/30/2011 08:08
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Anonymous
Sorry to hear it, OP. At least now you know where the friendship stands.
[Post New]09/30/2011 08:31
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Anonymous
I'm very sorry, OP. Sometimes friendships run their course, no matter how hard you try to make it work. (And friendship break-ups can sting more than dating break-ups sometimes!) This is a challanging situation to navigate but you can't beat yourself up over it because you did what you could. I've been TTC for awhile and my best friend told me last month that she was expecting after their first month of trying. I was certainly a bit envious of how effortless it was for her, but I could never be upset with her for deciding to start her own family. Friendship is a 2 way street.

GL, OP, and I hope the rest of your pregnancy is as stress free as possible.
[Post New]09/30/2011 08:51
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Anonymous
OP, I am so sorry. I lost a dear friendship last winter, and I still carry the pain in my heart. But this is life, and you have your loving family and true friends and beautiful children.

Some people are broken, and you can't fix them. Just try to think charitably towards her. Being trapped in those dark feelings is a terrible place to be.
[Post New]09/30/2011 09:31
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Anonymous
I'm sorry, OP. I feel badly for your friend but she is not a friend. If she understands the pain of not bing able to conceive she should be the last person to want to begrudge you your pregnancy.

And really, if she wants a child that badly, there are plently out there who need a good home. I personally stuggled with infertility and finally concieved with drugs but always said that I'd sooner have children who were not mini replicas of me and my husband than get all bent out of shape about it.
[Post New]09/30/2011 21:11
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hhgust
Member Offline
I hope your friend has read and applied every lesson in the most fabulous book on the planet for fertility: Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler. I can't tell you how many people i know personally who have tried for years, done everything (IVF etc.), then read this book and got pregnant naturally.

And I agree. I couldn't imagine a best friend acting like that for that long. I would move on.
[Post New]09/30/2011 23:46
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Anonymous
I was on the receiving end of the news, when we were TTC -- unsuccessfully -- and my friend announced her big news. We had planned a weekend together, and this was the first thing out of her mouth, understandibly so! It felt like a gut punch, and it was really, really hard to keep it together in the moment. As the day wore off, I was able to come back and explain myself, because I was in fact quite happy for her, just really sad for us. We did drift appart some -- suddenly we lost a lot of common grounds for conversation, especially once her baby was born. But when we finally adopted my daughter, she was the first one to come over with a huge load of presents, and lots of advice! The kids, by the way, have a really great relationship, even though they don't see each other very often (we have moved accross the country since).

Moral of the story? A good friend will make the effort to get past that initial shock. And even if right now it's hard, there is life after the IVF, and more reasons to stay friends than not. While you want to keep talking about the pregnancy, make sure you also hear her war stories.
[Post New]10/01/2011 18:43
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Anonymous
hhgust wrote:I hope your friend has read and applied every lesson in the most fabulous book on the planet for fertility: Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler. I can't tell you how many people i know personally who have tried for years, done everything (IVF etc.), then read this book and got pregnant naturally.

And I agree. I couldn't imagine a best friend acting like that for that long. I would move on.


While I do agree that this book is great, it's not a magic bullet for getting pregnant. I certainly wish it was that easy.
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