Raising a biracial DD

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[Post New]07/14/2011 19:50
Anonymous
I feel so guilty feeling this way and would never articulate this in real life but sometimes I feel a little sad that I do not see much of myself in my daughter. I have difficulty managing her hair and find myself frustrated at how high maintenance it is to manage. I am also tired of strangers saying things like, "I guess she has her daddy's hair" or "she doesn't look anything like you." I'm not sure what my question is but how can I change my own feelings about this b/c I would never want to hurt my DD's self-esteem.
[Post New]07/14/2011 20:20
Anonymous
Regardless of her hair and skin color, she has got to have some of your qualities. Shape of the face or eyes? Build? Personality or quirks?

But remember she is her own individual as well. She does not have to be or look like either of her parents.

I know several biracial kids and I always see similarities in personality or looks no matter what their skin color is.
[Post New]07/14/2011 20:26
Anonymous
My DD is also biracial (Asian and white). I'm white, so I was worried that she would look nothing like me. I also worried that people would think I adopted when they saw her (especially considering how popular adoption from Asia is, and how rare white woman/Asian man pairings are compared to the opposite).

However, now that she's here, I love her so much I just don't care. Sure, she looks more like her dad than me, but I love DH and I love that I see him in her. Besides, even two people of the same race can have a child that looks only like one parent! And no one has said anything about how little she looks like me (I'm so sorry you've had to endure that -- that's surprisingly mean), but even if they did, I know I was the one who carried her for 9 months, spent a long time in labor to give birth to her, and I'm the one who feeds her at my breasts.

I know it's hard to have a child that doesn't look like you, but don't forget it's a MUCH greater gift to have a child at all. She is half yours, and she will always love you, no matter how different your hair, eyes, skin color, etc may be. That's a special treasure in life. Don't let the little superficial differences blind you to that!
[Post New]07/14/2011 20:26
Anonymous
AA mom here. I don't want to jump on you and make you feel worse. But you do need to resolve this before it impacts your child. Did you regularly date outside your race, of is your partner the first? I don't want to make assumptions, but from your post it sounds as if your partner is black, and you are not. When you were a child, teen, young adult and pictured yourself having a daughter (as many women do), did you picture your daughter being your race? That would be a normal thing to do, and that image is hard to overcome when faced with a different reality, no matter how much you love your partner. Being in an interracial relationship is a very different thing from giving birth to and parenting a child who is at least in part, another race. You look at your child and expect a reflection of yourself., and you don't see it. It doesn't match the mother/daughter picture that has been imprinted on your brain.
As for her hair, my advice is always not to fight the hair. Get good products, keep it healthy, and let it do what it is going to do naturally. Curls are beautiful. Little girls don't need a million braids and beads. Keep it simple.
[Post New]07/14/2011 20:32
Anonymous
Well, a couple of thoughts from someone who also has a biracial daughter. First, tune out the strangers. They mean no harm (usually) but those sorts of comments are pretty rude, and don't deserve your time. Second, are you looking only at race-identifying features (or physical features generally) when you're evaluating how much of yourself you see in her? If so, you might want to change how you're looking at her. While my DD hasn't always favored me in looks (or racial characteristics like hair and skin color), she does have other characteristics -- her personality, her laugh, her facial expressions, that are completely from me (though I deny responsibility for that stubborn diva streak :wink. Second, you might find that, as she gets older, she starts looking more like you. That's been my experience, might be yours.

But all of the above assumes that you have to find "yourself" in your daughter to encourage (or at least not damage) her self-esteem. You don't, and the thought that you're linking the two makes me think that its time for some introspection on this point. To put it bluntly: do you think that women of her father's race are somehow less attractive, and therefore her resemblance to him is necessarily a challenge to her self-esteem? If so, you need to work on that.

As for the hair thing, there are tons of products on the market for biracial hair, and websites with all sorts of wisdom. Google is your friend here. You'll get the hang of it eventually, if you 1) embrace the fact that her hair is different than yours and 2) educate and train yourself to deal with those differences. Actually that advice would apply globally. She is different than you, and you should train yourself to see her beauty (however defined) rather than the absence of your own.

[Post New]07/14/2011 21:13
Anonymous
I am the mother of a biracial child (also white/Asian) and although we joke about it a lot (we call our son "whellow" and say he will only have half ninja skills, like a bird with only one wing) - we don't have any serious issues about it.

Are you a single mom? It kinda sounds like it from the post. Maybe that is more the root of the issue than your child's ethnicity.
[Post New]07/14/2011 21:20
Anonymous
I am biracial and though my skin (pale as can be) and hair (flaming red) look nothing like my black american mother, I couldn't be anyone else's daughter we are so much alike in spirit, mannerisms and temperament.

Stop worrying about what she looks like and focus on who she is. If you do that, you may be surprised of how much of yourself you see.

[Post New]07/14/2011 21:26
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I am biracial and though my skin (pale as can be) and hair (flaming red) look nothing like my black american mother, I couldn't be anyone else's daughter we are so much alike in spirit, mannerisms and temperament.

Stop worrying about what she looks like and focus on who she is. If you do that, you may be surprised of how much of yourself you see.



PP here (of the whellow baby) and this is so true. My son looks nothing like me, but he takes after me a LOT in terms of personality.
[Post New]07/14/2011 21:33
Anonymous
My sister's monoracial kid doesn't look anything like her and it doesn't bother her; the child looks just like his father. It can happen with monoracial, biracial, or multiracial people.

What a strange hang up to have when you (presumably) knowingly procreated with someone of a different race. Also, her hair likely isn't difficult to manage, it's just different from yours. Please educate yourself on how to take care of her hair. She will be able to pick up your frustration with it.

[Post New]07/14/2011 22:01
Anonymous
OP, I have biracial children and what I have found is that people look at complexion first before deciding who the child looks like. My husband has ONE aunt who thought that our son looks like his white great grandmother (and she is totally right), the rest of the white relatives can not say who he looks like. The facial shape and expressions are just completely ignored.
Do African Americans think that the child looks only like the father? BTW, the child might very well look like her father.
On the other hand, I have a friend who has five sons, no daughters, and not one of her sons look a bit like her, and they do not look like each other. Both parents are white. She says that one person asked her if she adopted from Russia.
WRT the hair, keep it short, comb it wet, use leave in conditioner. You will get the hang of it, then you can grow it. Ask for help.
FWIW, I know two white gay men who adopted a little fully black girl, and they, by themselves, comb her hair perfectly. She is always done up with hair bobbles that ALWAYS match what she is wearing, and of course, the clothes always match, too cute.
[Post New]07/14/2011 22:16
Anonymous
New poster with a whellow (never heard this before but I like it DS. I'm Asian and he doesn't look anything like me. Have been occasionally asked if I'm the nanny since birth. Don't care. He doesn't really look like his dad who's pretty much a generic looking white guy. However, DS is gorgeous/handsome so I figure he lucked out from his two avg looking parents.

My SIL who's white and married to my brother used to have people come up to her and ask if she adopted the Chinese baby. Sigh...

Ignore the stupid and ignorant and learn how to manage your daughter's hair. Taking care of curly hair is an art and something people with curly hair not just African Americans have to know. My SIL who is English/Italian has super curly hair too and I think it's beautiful!
[Post New]07/14/2011 22:20
Anonymous
Mom of biracial son here - I have been asked at least 5-10 times if he's adopted, and he's only 2.5. It's really kind of rude...but honestly I just say "he looks like daddy, acts just like me..." and that usually shuts them up. Sometimes I have joked to my DH that I might have to show my c-section scar as proof one day, lol.

I actually wish I saw a bit less of me in his personality, lol - he's stubborn, hyper, digs his heels in. I kind of wish he looked AND acted like DH.
[Post New]07/14/2011 23:56
Anonymous
Mom here of a boy and girl who are biracial (i'm white, husband is AA). My son looks nothing like me. He looks just like my husband. My daughter however looks like me but with very curly hair and darker skin. I have been asked if they are adopted. It doesn't bother me. People are just curious or do not know any better. I don't take it personally.

My daughter's hair is a pain to do but I have not been afraid to ask my husband's relatives or AA friends for guidance. They have been happy to help. I have also found the right products that work on her hair and I keep it relatively short. This helps with the maintenance.






[Post New]07/15/2011 06:08
oahulisa
Member Offline
I've got some advice just not sure how to word it so I will just offer up some hair tips instead

Products to buy/try:

Creme of Nature Detangling Shampoo
Mixed Chicks Leave in Conditioner
Moroccan Oil Intense Curl Cream
Wide tooth comb

If she has really dry hair don't use shampoo to cleanse instead use a cheap conditioner.

Take her to a black salon. Befriend a black American at the park and ask her questions. I'd happily talk hair with you and share the hang ups you do.not.want.to.pass.on to your beautiful little girl.

Play "Brown Skin" and "I Am Not My Hair" by India.Arie in the car and talk to her about how smart and beautiful she is.

Most importantly be gentle with you. Its hard to parent effectively when you add guilt in the mix. Come up with some zingers for strangers who lack tact.
[Post New]07/15/2011 07:18
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:OP, I have biracial children and what I have found is that people look at complexion first before deciding who the child looks like. My husband has ONE aunt who thought that our son looks like his white great grandmother (and she is totally right), the rest of the white relatives can not say who he looks like. The facial shape and expressions are just completely ignored.
Do African Americans think that the child looks only like the father? BTW, the child might very well look like her father.
On the other hand, I have a friend who has five sons, no daughters, and not one of her sons look a bit like her, and they do not look like each other. Both parents are white. She says that one person asked her if she adopted from Russia.
WRT the hair, keep it short, comb it wet, use leave in conditioner. You will get the hang of it, then you can grow it. Ask for help.
FWIW, I know two white gay men who adopted a little fully black girl, and they, by themselves, comb her hair perfectly. She is always done up with hair bobbles that ALWAYS match what she is wearing, and of course, the clothes always match, too cute.


THIS!!!

My son is the spitting image of his father---exact duplicate, Mini-Dad. But EVERYONE tells me how much he looks like me. I am a very, very light complexioned black woman and my husband is dark-skinned. DS has my complexion but his father's face and body type and temperament.


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