Raising a biracial DD

[Anonymous]

For those of you picking up on the term "whellow"... just a note of caution: I think a lot of Asian people might be really really offended by that term, as I know several who think the term "yellow" to refer to Asians is truly and uniquely offensive. What you choose to call yourself or your kids in your own home is your business, and I hate being the "PC police" -- but I think its a really poor word to use. I'm white, my husband is Asian. He is not hypersensitive, but he was really offended by someone's practical joke on a job application where under race, they had put the options as "White, Black, Yellow, Red". I would never dream of calling my kids "whellow".

[Anonymous]

Was just about to say the same thing, PP. Perpetuating the term "yellow" no matter how cutesy or innocent you think you're being is pretty outrageous and insulting. I mean, you realize you're calling your own child a derogatory name, right? Bizarre.

[Anonymous]

OP, I agree that skin codor is the determining factor for onlookers. My kids are multiracial (South Asian, Cuban/Irish), and they have the loveliest brown skin. Always, people assume I am the nanny. I invite these moments, because multiracial is the future, and I see my children as living examples of "loving thy neighbor."

[Anonymous]

OP here--THANK you so much for all the advice. I feel so much better giving a voice to my feelings of frustration and guilt. Just to clarify a few questions from a few previous posters--I am not a single mother. My husband and I have been married for years and have a wonderful relationship. He is an amazing person, husband, and father.

I think if I am really honest with myself the source of a lot of anxiety really stems from my family. I am Asian and my family places a premium on long flowing hair and light skin. I know this is completely wrong but it still pains me that my DD won't meet their standard of beauty. My family is very loving with DD and I know that they don't treat her any differently but I also know that I can not change their paradigm of desirable features in a woman. Anyway, the more I write, the more I realize how superficial this sounds but it still feels nice to articulate how I feel. I know how lucky I am to have such a loving husband and happy, healthy children which is why I felt so guilty for even having these thoughts.

And thank you to all the posters who mentioned all the products. I have actually been very lucky with finding great products for my DD's hair from the recommendations of other mothers with biracial children. The products have been very helpful. I think I get frustrated b/c my DD hates to have her hair brushed so it ends up being a stressful experience for everyone involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD is also biracial (Asian and white). I'm white, so I was worried that she would look nothing like me. I also worried that people would think I adopted when they saw her (especially considering how popular adoption from Asia is, and how rare white woman/Asian man pairings are compared to the opposite).

However, now that she's here, I love her so much I just don't care. Sure, she looks more like her dad than me, but I love DH and I love that I see him in her. Besides, even two people of the same race can have a child that looks only like one parent! And no one has said anything about how little she looks like me (I'm so sorry you've had to endure that -- that's surprisingly mean), but even if they did, I know I was the one who carried her for 9 months, spent a long time in labor to give birth to her, and I'm the one who feeds her at my breasts.

I know it's hard to have a child that doesn't look like you, but don't forget it's a MUCH greater gift to have a child at all. She is half yours, and she will always love you, no matter how different your hair, eyes, skin color, etc may be. That's a special treasure in life. Don't let the little superficial differences blind you to that!

OP here--thank you, the stranger comments can be very hurtful even though I know people don't mean to be hurtful. I think people are just curious and always end up asking what my daughter's background is.

[Anonymous]

I am biracial white/asian and I struggled with identity A LOT growing up. In my mom's asian country I look "white" and everyone thinks I'm a foreigner. Here, most people don't know what I am so I get a lot of questions. Be prepared to deal with identity issues as your child grows up.

That being said, my DH is white so we have two biracial (?) children. Don't know if it's considered BI-racial if they are 1/4 Asian. . .anyway, my older DC looks more Asian with dark hair, eyes and more olive skin. Has more almond shaped eyes but very curly hair. Most people that meet us assume that DC got the curly hair from my DH but I actually had hair exactly like that as a child. #1's DC #2 has light hair, blue eyes and pale "white" skin. Everyone assumes I'm the nanny/babysitter when I'm out with #2.

I guess my advice is, people are always curious. They always want to know where you/your children fit in. Ignore the comments and remind your child that she is beautiful and she is YOURS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:AA mom here. I don't want to jump on you and make you feel worse. But you do need to resolve this before it impacts your child. Did you regularly date outside your race, of is your partner the first? I don't want to make assumptions, but from your post it sounds as if your partner is black, and you are not. When you were a child, teen, young adult and pictured yourself having a daughter (as many women do), did you picture your daughter being your race? That would be a normal thing to do, and that image is hard to overcome when faced with a different reality, no matter how much you love your partner. Being in an interracial relationship is a very different thing from giving birth to and parenting a child who is at least in part, another race. You look at your child and expect a reflection of yourself., and you don't see it. It doesn't match the mother/daughter picture that has been imprinted on your brain.
As for her hair, my advice is always not to fight the hair. Get good products, keep it healthy, and let it do what it is going to do naturally. Curls are beautiful. Little girls don't need a million braids and beads. Keep it simple.

OP here--yes, a lot of your insights are very accurate. I actually dated many people of different races prior to marrying my DH. I generally feel and felt comfortable with interracial relationships. But you are so right that dating someone of a different race is very different from parenting a child who is also partially of another race. My other source of discomfort is that in general I find DC to be so racially segregated. I always had very close friends from different nationalities, religions, backgrounds. Here, everything is so socially stratified. When we go to social gatherings of my husband's friends, literally everyone will be black. And, when I attend parties held by my co-workers or family friends, we will be the only family of color there. The self imposed segregation just seems so strange to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those of you picking up on the term "whellow"... just a note of caution: I think a lot of Asian people might be really really offended by that term, as I know several who think the term "yellow" to refer to Asians is truly and uniquely offensive. What you choose to call yourself or your kids in your own home is your business, and I hate being the "PC police" -- but I think its a really poor word to use. I'm white, my husband is Asian. He is not hypersensitive, but he was really offended by someone's practical joke on a job application where under race, they had put the options as "White, Black, Yellow, Red". I would never dream of calling my kids "whellow".

Obviously it's not PC. My husband regularly refers to himself as "yellow" but if a stranger called him that, he might get offended (it would probably depend a lot on the context for him).

We joke around in our house a lot about things like this (and probably a lot of other things you would not find PC). We do find humor in the stereotypes.

I can understand why your husband would be offended by the practical joke. I get a little offended on behalf of my son when I have to check his race as "other" on official forms. That is what I am supposed to do, right? Because he has a mixture of Chinese, Choctaw, Scottish, German, English - those are the ones I know of, at least.

Anonymous wrote:Was just about to say the same thing, PP. Perpetuating the term "yellow" no matter how cutesy or innocent you think you're being is pretty outrageous and insulting. I mean, you realize you're calling your own child a derogatory name, right? Bizarre.

Yes, just like it is "outrageous and insulting" when black people use the n-word with each other. Wait, should I have said African American? Should I have capitalized the word "black"?

I think I will go back to having a sense of humor about these things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:AA mom here. I don't want to jump on you and make you feel worse. But you do need to resolve this before it impacts your child. Did you regularly date outside your race, of is your partner the first? I don't want to make assumptions, but from your post it sounds as if your partner is black, and you are not. When you were a child, teen, young adult and pictured yourself having a daughter (as many women do), did you picture your daughter being your race? That would be a normal thing to do, and that image is hard to overcome when faced with a different reality, no matter how much you love your partner. Being in an interracial relationship is a very different thing from giving birth to and parenting a child who is at least in part, another race. You look at your child and expect a reflection of yourself., and you don't see it. It doesn't match the mother/daughter picture that has been imprinted on your brain.
As for her hair, my advice is always not to fight the hair. Get good products, keep it healthy, and let it do what it is going to do naturally. Curls are beautiful. Little girls don't need a million braids and beads. Keep it simple.

OP here--yes, a lot of your insights are very accurate. I actually dated many people of different races prior to marrying my DH. I generally feel and felt comfortable with interracial relationships. But you are so right that dating someone of a different race is very different from parenting a child who is also partially of another race. My other source of discomfort is that in general I find DC to be so racially segregated. I always had very close friends from different nationalities, religions, backgrounds. Here, everything is so socially stratified. When we go to social gatherings of my husband's friends, literally everyone will be black. And, when I attend parties held by my co-workers or family friends, we will be the only family of color there. The self imposed segregation just seems so strange to me.

Well, if you didn't think about this before committing to building a family with DH, you really (reallyreallyreally) need to start thinking about it now.

I think what you are facing is absolutely real, and for whatever reason, it's the stuff that (white) people never want to talk about. It's a lot to take in, I hear that. But, it's also what your children (and all black people everyday) will face as they make their way through the world. The time when you could afford to not see or think about race is over.

I really appreciate your honesty here and want to give you props for being so forthcoming. I dated a guy who'd had a slew of white girlfriends before we met. (I'm not.) Each relationship fell apart at about the three year mark. I don't think he ever got a clue that once the idea of babies came into the picture, these women found the idea of an African boyfriend/husband a lot more complicated and ended things. Can't blame them! It most-certainly would have been, as you are now seeing.

I totally applaud the way you are taking this on. Work through it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those of you picking up on the term "whellow"... just a note of caution: I think a lot of Asian people might be really really offended by that term, as I know several who think the term "yellow" to refer to Asians is truly and uniquely offensive. What you choose to call yourself or your kids in your own home is your business, and I hate being the "PC police" -- but I think its a really poor word to use. I'm white, my husband is Asian. He is not hypersensitive, but he was really offended by someone's practical joke on a job application where under race, they had put the options as "White, Black, Yellow, Red". I would never dream of calling my kids "whellow".

I agree with this post (same for us, I'm white, my husband is Asian). These little "cute-ish" terms are stupid and offensive.

[Anonymous]

My mom dealt with some of these same issues. She is part Navajo, and is very dark--eyes, hair, skin. I look exactly like my dad's sisters: lillywhite skin, blue eyes, fair hair. I think when I was little, she sometimes felt I was less her daughter because we looked so different. She told me once that she got over the whole thing very abruptly when I was about 9. She was lamenting to a friend that no ome would ever guess we were related. At the end of her rant, she asked her friend, "Would you honestly ever assume she was mine?"

Her friend looked at her and said, "Not until she opened her mouth." My mom really realized that as much as I look different, I am completely her daughter in so many ways--how I think, talk, relate to others. Our handwriting is even remarkably similar. I think after that she gradually started to focus less on looks.

[Anonymous]

Yes, just like it is "outrageous and insulting" when black people use the n-word with each other. Wait, should I have said African American? Should I have capitalized the word "black"?

I think I will go back to having a sense of humor about these things.

To your first point, are you Asian? So you calling an Asian person yellow isn't the same thing, is it?

Here's my point - why even joke about the stereotype? Why not teach your children that you, their parents, will not label them even though the rest of the world will? There are plenty of things to have a sense of humor about, but thrusting an idiotic, antiquated epithet on a child isn't one of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Yes, just like it is "outrageous and insulting" when black people use the n-word with each other. Wait, should I have said African American? Should I have capitalized the word "black"?

I think I will go back to having a sense of humor about these things.

To your first point, are you Asian? So you calling an Asian person yellow isn't the same thing, is it?

Here's my point - why even joke about the stereotype? Why not teach your children that you, their parents, will not label them even though the rest of the world will? There are plenty of things to have a sense of humor about, but thrusting an idiotic, antiquated epithet on a child isn't one of them.

I think "yellow" is stupid. So are black, white, red. Nobody looks like that unless in a cartoon. But it is worth observing that these words are a PC landmine. For example, it is ok to call someone "black", but not ok to call someone "yellow". Both are pretty similar adjectives (neither accurate). I think "oriental" or east asian is the best, if you don't want to say Korean-American, Japanese-American, Chinese-American, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Yes, just like it is "outrageous and insulting" when black people use the n-word with each other. Wait, should I have said African American? Should I have capitalized the word "black"?

I think I will go back to having a sense of humor about these things.

To your first point, are you Asian? So you calling an Asian person yellow isn't the same thing, is it?

Here's my point - why even joke about the stereotype? Why not teach your children that you, their parents, will not label them even though the rest of the world will? There are plenty of things to have a sense of humor about, but thrusting an idiotic, antiquated epithet on a child isn't one of them.

I think "yellow" is stupid. So are black, white, red. Nobody looks like that unless in a cartoon. But it is worth observing that these words are a PC landmine. For example, it is ok to call someone "black", but not ok to call someone "yellow". Both are pretty similar adjectives (neither accurate). I think "oriental" or east asian is the best, if you don't want to say Korean-American, Japanese-American, Chinese-American, etc.

Are you Asian too? I am and if you call me Oriental, I will be highly annoyed. Asian is sufficient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Yes, just like it is "outrageous and insulting" when black people use the n-word with each other. Wait, should I have said African American? Should I have capitalized the word "black"?

I think I will go back to having a sense of humor about these things.

To your first point, are you Asian? So you calling an Asian person yellow isn't the same thing, is it?

Here's my point - why even joke about the stereotype? Why not teach your children that you, their parents, will not label them even though the rest of the world will? There are plenty of things to have a sense of humor about, but thrusting an idiotic, antiquated epithet on a child isn't one of them.

No, I am not Asian - and I don't call "an Asian person" yellow. My husband is Asian, and he calls himself "yellow." I will tease him about things that he claims "his people" do (like picking his feet, or eating stuff like chicken feet or fish eyeballs) but only in an appropriate context. Just like we joke about whether the alcoholism in my family comes from the Choctaw or the possible Scottish (or "Mick") on my side.

It is not unusual at all for people to make insults their own, to take ownership of a derogatory word and turn it around. I guess you don't understand that and just think our view is "idiotic." That's fine. We don't have to prove ourselves to you and I won't continue to argue on the subject. We will continue to have fun and many laughs in our house and raise our child with the many labels we bestow on him daily (e.g., "beautiful," "Swedish pea," "crabby apple," "stinkbug," and so on).