DD wants to transfer out of top university but DH won't allow it
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Anonymous
On the scale I remember it doesn’t go to 165…I think it ends at maybe 145. |
Anonymous
+1 |
dcmom12345
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| grades don't look that bad no ds or fs but a mix of bs and cs. Just makes a low gpa |
dcmom12345
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| Not concerned about grades just gpa for screening |
Anonymous
Encourage and support your DD with her plan. And tell DH to go F himself. No joke. Your DD is self-aware and expressing her needs in a very clear and mature way. She deserves the full support of at least one parent. Two very big things are at stake here - her sense of autonomy and her mental health. These two things are often related. If a teen or young adult does not feel that they have autonomy - control of the outcome of an important situation - they may spiral into feeling like they have no options or choice other than to continue suffering something that they think they can’t handle any longer. That’s true depression and despair, which can be truly worrisome at that age. I’m no expert, but it sounds like your DD is far from that point right now. She’s doing great - thinking clearly about what she’s experiencing and what else she might need. Encourage that in every way possible. That’s her emerging sense of self speaking, and it’s way more important than anything else right now. As for your DH, deal with him separately. Do not drag your DD into “problem solving” with him. She doesn’t deserve the burden of having to try to “thread the needle” between what she needs right now (autonomy/the feeling she has options and choices) and what he’s demanding. She’s a young adult in a vulnerable spot. Protect her from having to take on his problems as her own right now. (She can come back to dealing with him/his stuff later when she’s returned to a stronger emotional place.) This isn’t small stuff. DD deserves a parent who unconditionally has her back right now. Please be that parent. |
Anonymous
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As for how to make this work for DD, again tell her to apply where she wants, and include UMD (sounds like you’re in-state there.) CC or anything that would require her to live at home is NOT an option. (There’s a good chance that living with her father would be harmful/destructive until he gets himself together.)
Again, let her apply everywhere she wants. There are some real upsides to being at a bigger state school with a more diverse student body. As a math major, she’ll find plenty of rigorous people. She’ll find them other places, too. Ivy League and similar schools are not the only ones with smart kids, of course! But her idea of being a complete person - not just a walking brain - is mature as can be. Encourage it (and remember that grad school is always a second chance at adding on to that experience.) Finally, as she gets her transfer applications in, you need to get to work on your options for financing three years of college without your DH’s money. This might mean your DD has to take out loans. Or work (for as much money as possible) during the summer and the school year, too. It’s not crazy - this is how tons of kids/families get their students through school. Obeying your DH in order to “have him oay” for her college is not her only option. But help her figure that out (maybe create another post asking about financial aid/loan options when a spouse refuses to pay …) On that note, between us right now, your in-state school (UMD) may well be the most affordable option, so be sure she applies there, too. But do NOT tell her that’s where she’s “going to have to go.” Because it’s not. For now, it’s just one option of many. Tell your DD that it’s her life and her mental health comes first. She should keep her options open, and “we’ll figure it out” for next year. This alone might help her relax enough to finish her first year in a better place (and possibly choose to stay, if that ends up being what she wants.) FINALLY, encourage your DD to set up time with a counselor at student health to talk about how she’s feeling about her current school. Especially the social isolation and feeling that everyone around her are too stressed out/obsessed with academics to connect socially. Without a doubt, she’s not the only one who feels that way at her school. This is exactly what mental health counselors on campus are there for. Teach her to use the resources at her disposal - not so she can get “happy enough to stay,” but because she deserves all the support she needs! ❤️ |
Anonymous
| I would be divorcing my husband if he was that big of a controlling AH to my kid. Nope. |
Anonymous
| Support your kid in transferring and try to keep DH away from them while decisions are being made and actions taken. When I was young it was very important to my father that I attend a particular school and when I was leaning towards another school he got physically violent and verbally abusive. I went to the school he insisted on and got destroyed academically. I was terrified of trying to transfer because of the risk of setting him off again. It really took a toll on my confidence and left some long term psychological scars. Be very careful to protect DD from DH during this delicate time. My mom didn’t expect my father to act the way he did and it caught her off guard. She wasn’t well positioned to protect me. Try to shield DD as much as you can. Don’t underestimate the damage DH can do. |
Anonymous
I agree with this 100%. It surfaces the two ideas that I was about to share. First, that there’s a tremendous value to be at a school with a lot of people who are more talented than you are in various ways. I can speak from personal experience - my freshman year at my T-10 school was extremely stressful and humbling academically (2.7 first year!) but in retrospect, perhaps the most important experience of my life. Lots of fears and tears, but I also discovered how strong and resilient I am underneath. AND I truly learned from and enjoyed my peers/classmates, who were all brilliant in their own ways (as I am, too, it turned out … but that took time to fully discover.) The one caveat to this is the role that social support played in my experience. I didn’t ever feel isolated or like a fish out of water. My peers were not all “grinds,” and our connections even first year were less about academics/grades and more about the rest of our identities. Had everyone else been grinds who obsessed about their GPAs 24/7, I might have sunk from the pressure. Hard to say. Second, I was going to recommend your DD try economics. It’s not math, but it’s not “humanities” either. If she likes it, it can be as quantitatively rigorous as she wants to make it. And her math background will be a huge plus! Again, if she likes it, so can take it in many different directions. Finance, of course. Or law (international trade and antitrust specialities, for example, can be very quantitative if you choose - lots of opportunities to work with hard-core economists!) Again, if theoretical, abstract, academic math is her thing, maybe economics would feel wrong to her. But there are SO many ways to go with it, including theoretical and abstract. Good luck! This really is a great opportunity for your DD to think outside the box a bit. Not every idea we have about ourselves at age 18 turns out to be correct. It’s ok to pivot!!! |
Anonymous
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Your DH should not control the purse strings solo.
Quick question. Do you have a 529? If so which parent is named? If you, you control it, and DD can go wherever she pleases. |
Anonymous
And the notion that Ivy's are teaching to genius level is hilarious. As if they don't have a ton of average kids as well as a few geniuses; ask anyone who goes there. |
Anonymous
Her grades will probably improve a lot as she moves into higher grades. As long as she’s going to class, understanding most of the material and passing most classes, she’s fine. And there’s no guarantee whatsoever that math classes at other schools would be easier. |
Anonymous
First: I’m talking for what the real numbers are, once you adjust for racism, classism, test phobia, etc. Second, IQ has nothing to do with being a real genius. A genius is a creative person who may or may not be book smart and who does amazing things. Someone with a high IQ is someone who can spot patterns quickly and learn academic information quickly. A kid with an IQ of 140 is a normal bright kid who might be the smartest kid in an average elementary school graduating class in a regular community but might only be in the top 10 percent in Washington. Those are the regular kids at Thomas Jefferson. DC-area schools know what to do with them. The kids who excel in math and physics at Columbia are the kids who were bored at Thomas Jefferson. Those kids were intellectually ready for AP classes when they were 12. A normal bright kid at a normal high school never even meets kids like that. Sure, the normal bright kid can work hard and muddle through in a Columbia math class for math majors. No, the normal bright kid will not have an easy time maintaining a 3.0 GPA in math at Columbia, or at any other T30 school. |
Anonymous
I’m the PP who finished freshman year at my T-10 with a 2.7 My GPA went up every year after that as I adjusted to my college, and I graduated with a 3.4. From there, I went on to grad school (where I excelled, due to my college experience) and an excellent career that I can tie back to my college years, as well. I encourage you and your DD to take the long view. Her first semester’s GPA is just that. First semester. It’s in no way the rest of her life. Just make sure she keeps looking until she finds people she connects with socially. Those experiences and the mutual support that comes with friendship are priceless, both during college and beyond. |
Anonymous
Agreed. And … I think it’s quite likely the MATH department at an Ivy or other top 10 school includes more of the “extraordinarily smart” kids than some other majors at the same school. Put another way, I’d guess few of the “average smart” Ivy kids are chasing dreams of higher, more abstract math. But again, I don’t know this for sure. I do agree, though, that Ivy League schools are not genius-only in their class composition or teaching only to the tippy-top. That’s silly. Of course the school as a whole includes a wide range. But math … it’s a self-selected group, and may well be on a different level, on average. |