Reply to DD wants to transfer out of top university but DH won't allow it

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=dcmom12345]To add- we live in Maryland so I brought up in UMD as an option with DD seemed okay with but DH put on list of "will not pay for". He gave a list of universities he would consider acceptable which was limited to Chicago, Duke, MIT, Stanford, Caltech, AWS, JHU, Northwestern, RICE, Vandy, Michigan, and Berkeley. [/quote]

Encourage and support your DD with her plan. And tell DH to go F himself.

No joke. Your DD is self-aware and expressing her needs in a very clear and mature way. She deserves the full support of at least one parent.

Two very big things are at stake here - her sense of autonomy and her mental health. These two things are often related. If a teen or young adult does not feel that they have autonomy - control of the outcome of an important situation - they may spiral into feeling like they have no options or choice other than to continue suffering something that they think they can’t handle any longer. That’s true depression and despair, which can be truly worrisome at that age.

I’m no expert, but it sounds like your DD is far from that point right now. She’s doing great - thinking clearly about what she’s experiencing and what else she might need. Encourage that in every way possible. That’s her emerging sense of self speaking, and it’s way more important than anything else right now.

As for your DH, deal with him separately. Do not drag your DD into “problem solving” with him. She doesn’t deserve the burden of having to try to “thread the needle” between what she needs right now (autonomy/the feeling she has options and choices) and what he’s demanding. She’s a young adult in a vulnerable spot. Protect her from having to take on his problems as her own right now. (She can come back to dealing with him/his stuff later when she’s returned to a stronger emotional place.)

This isn’t small stuff. DD deserves a parent who unconditionally has her back right now. Please be that parent. [/quote]

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