DD wants to transfer out of top university but DH won't allow it

[dcmom12345]

Hi,
I find myself in a difficulty situation caught between my husband and daughter. My daughter is currently a college freshman at an Ivy majoring in Math and has had a terrible experience so far. No friends, high stress, and is generally miserable. She expressed concerns over wanting to transfer in the first month but I told her to give it a little more time(until winter break) to confirm there is more than typical trouble adjusting to college issues. Well winter break came and she is more adamant than not over wanting to transfer. I accepted that and asked her what schools she was considering and this was her list(Umiami, Colgate, W&L, Syracuse, Penn State, MSU, and Florida State). DH blew up and announced he would not finance any schools on that list. He only agrees to finance her current school or another Ivy/schools he deems as ivy equivalent(not many). We don't qualify for FA and I can't afford a refusal to contribute. Her grades are good so I'm not worried about her not getting into one of her listed schools, but am dealing with either a miserable child for another 4 years or not being able to afford college. Advice?

[Anonymous]

The schools she has identified seem very different. Can you sit with her - calmly - and have her walk you through what is intriguing about these schools? Maybe they have great math programs? (I have no idea.) If she can come to the table and explain what the draw is for these schools, you should be able to explain this to your husband.
I would also tell her that she needs to complete the year at her current school.

[dcmom12345]

She agreed to complete year at current school. She was very honest about what she was looking for-schools for which she perceived the student body as less intense/academically focused and the classes as easier. She finds others at her school "obsessed with academics" and feels their intensity hurts her mental health.

[dcmom12345]

also looking for a "more fun and typical college experience" that she believes the other schools will offer.

[Anonymous]

Are you the Ivy Troll who keeps posting about either being a miserable student at an Ivy, or being a mother of a miserable student at an Ivy?

[dcmom12345]

this is my 2nd post ever here lol

[Anonymous]

It’s not that easy to transfer sophomore year

Have her come home community college then reapply

Her list is garbage honestly penn state Florida state to Colgate WTH? Who made that list ?

I agree with DH she stays or community college then she pays school of her choice

It’s not because her current school is an ivy that I agree with him it’s because she’s immature clearly from her list and should not be a four year school

She’s immature not college ready

[Anonymous]

dcmom12345 wrote:She agreed to complete year at current school. She was very honest about what she was looking for-schools for which she perceived the student body as less intense/academically focused and the classes as easier. She finds others at her school "obsessed with academics" and feels their intensity hurts her mental health.

Nothing wrong with that. It had to be miserable being stuck in a pressure cooker for 4 years.

Regarding your husband, you’re going to have to fight tooth and nail for your daughter. If my DH reacted this way, I would respond swiftly.

[Anonymous]

Encourage her to transfer. Her mental health is worth more than some perceived prestige. Way too many kids commit suicide over less.

[Anonymous]

dcmom12345 wrote:She agreed to complete year at current school. She was very honest about what she was looking for-schools for which she perceived the student body as less intense/academically focused and the classes as easier. She finds others at her school "obsessed with academics" and feels their intensity hurts her mental health.

There is a wide array of colleges between Ivies and the list you posted.

I understand your where both your DD and DH are coming from. Can you compromise and find a T50 big state? Seems like your DD would be happier with a less intense school like a big state u. Michigan, GA Tech, Purdue.. locally, UMD, VATech, UVA.... What about those?

DC is a dual math and CS major at UMD. DC doesn't find the kids at UMD to be too intense. Social scene wise, there seems to be something for everyone. DC is not into football, but football is big at UMD. Even so, DC has found a friend group. I find kids at UMD to be pretty diverse in terms of interests.

I'm sure the other big colleges are similar.

FWIW, my DC had really high stats in HS, and they wanted CMU but I don't think DC would've been happy with such an intense environment, and DC agrees. DC is pretty low key, but loves the challenging classes at UMD.

[dcmom12345]

I agree and offered my support for her to transfer. The issue is I can't pay for it alone and DH won't contribute.

[Anonymous]

She finds others at her school "obsessed with academics" and feels their intensity hurts her mental health.

In my opinion, the obsession of peers with academics and its effect on a student's stress level are often features of the eye-of-the-beholder. There are more obsessed and less obsessed students at all schools. She might look around for less obsessed friends.

Similarly-selective colleges that she is considering for transfer options may not be significantly different for academic peer groups. If she wants a much larger portion of chill, non-obsessed students, she may need to step down significantly for prestige, with no guarantee that she won't still feel stressed.

also looking for a "more fun and typical college experience" that she believes the other schools will offer

Hard to know what to say about this part. In a few years, this won't matter to her.

You might point out that the social experience of transfers isn't necessarily the same as that of freshmen.

I would suggest letting her apply as a transfer, but with the understanding that the conversation should happen at the end of the school year, when she has a full year under her belt. That will presumably also be after she has been admitted; check timelines for transfer admission and enrollment carefully.

[dcmom12345]

To add- we live in Maryland so I brought up in UMD as an option with DD seemed okay with but DH put on list of "will not pay for". He gave a list of universities he would consider acceptable which was limited to Chicago, Duke, MIT, Stanford, Caltech, AWS, JHU, Northwestern, RICE, Vandy, Michigan, and Berkeley.

[Anonymous]

dcmom12345 wrote:She agreed to complete year at current school. She was very honest about what she was looking for-schools for which she perceived the student body as less intense/academically focused and the classes as easier. She finds others at her school "obsessed with academics" and feels their intensity hurts her mental health.

It's reasonable to look for a different social environment, but I would not encourage easier classes for a math major. Perhaps more supportive, but not less rigorous. Especially as a woman in a very male field, her goal should be to be as well-educated and prepared as possible. Otherwise she will struggle later.

Why is she studying math? And why did she pick the school she picked? It's fine to revisit decisions, but it's worth remembering why you made them.

[Anonymous]

One semester isn’t enough time to decide if she likes her school. You need to encourage her to find friends through clubs/activities in which she is interested. Part of parenting is giving your child the mature perspective that she lacks. Transferring isn’t a good idea or use of funds. Long term, she will benefit from her degree from this school. I agree with your husband. You all should help her develop resiliencecy and social skills not indulge her whims.