Reply to DD wants to transfer out of top university but DH won't allow it

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[quote=Anonymous]As for how to make this work for DD, again tell her to apply where she wants, and include UMD (sounds like you’re in-state there.) CC or anything that would require her to live at home is NOT an option. (There’s a good chance that living with her father would be harmful/destructive until he gets himself together.)

Again, let her apply everywhere she wants. There are some real upsides to being at a bigger state school with a more diverse student body. As a math major, she’ll find plenty of rigorous people. She’ll find them other places, too. Ivy League and similar schools are not the only ones with smart kids, of course! But her idea of being a complete person - not just a walking brain - is mature as can be. Encourage it (and remember that grad school is always a second chance at adding on to that experience.)

Finally, as she gets her transfer applications in, you need to get to work on your options for financing three years of college without your DH’s money. This might mean your DD has to take out loans. Or work (for as much money as possible) during the summer and the school year, too. It’s not crazy - this is how tons of kids/families get their students through school. Obeying your DH in order to “have him oay” for her college is not her only option. But help her figure that out (maybe create another post asking about financial aid/loan options when a spouse refuses to pay …)

On that note, between us right now, your in-state school (UMD) may well be the most affordable option, so be sure she applies there, too. But do NOT tell her that’s where she’s “going to have to go.” Because it’s not. For now, it’s just one option of many.

Tell your DD that it’s her life and her mental health comes first. She should keep her options open, and “we’ll figure it out” for next year. This alone might help her relax enough to finish her first year in a better place (and possibly choose to stay, if that ends up being what she wants.)

FINALLY, encourage your DD to set up time with a counselor at student health to talk about how she’s feeling about her current school. Especially the social isolation and feeling that everyone around her are too stressed out/obsessed with academics to connect socially. Without a doubt, she’s not the only one who feels that way at her school. This is exactly what mental health counselors on campus are there for. Teach her to use the resources at her disposal - not so she can get “happy enough to stay,” but because she deserves all the support she needs! ❤️
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