Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask yourself if there were signs that you missed. Sometimes a woman tries and tries to work on her marriage but the man is in denial and won't engage, and she just gives up. It may be that what you are doing now is too little too late. If you're only willing to work on the marriage when it's at the brink of death, you're not much of a husband. Ask yourself what you've been ignoring.

Ignore this crap. Typical DCUM woman saying it's all the man's fault. That's the last thing you need right now.

The last thing somebody needs is introspection?

Yup. When a guy has just been hit with divorce, the last thing he needs to do is brood about what he did wrong, why it was his fault, all that shit.

\

And this is precisely why I don't date divorced men.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It being, divorce. The wife mentioned that she has been unhappy for years and wants a divorce. I'm lost - caught me off guard. She's in the process of moving out of our house. Two kids in the mix, both under 10. I've been shocked for the last week and am having severe anxiety. I'm keeping a cool, brave front for the world but on the inside, I'm shattered. After the kids go to bed, I'm crying and drinking myself to sleep. Wife is sleeping in a separate bedroom until she moves out. She wants nothing to do with trying to save the marriage or discuss how I can make her happy like we used to be. I'm not begging her to stay but wanted to talk about it but she's already made up her mind. I am afraid that I'm going down a rabbit hole that I won't be able to pull myself out of. She had one emotional affair years ago and I have a feeling someone else is involved, but it's neither here nor there.

For those that went through separation/divorce, how did you get your life on track? Are you happier as a single dad? Help.

First thing you do is get your team together.

1) Lawyer. A good one. A lot of men in your position roll over and just take it because they're trying to keep the peace and minimize conflict with the wife. Do NOT do this. I'm not saying pick fights, but you absolutely need a good lawyer who can advise you on the law and how it applies to your situation. You may need to find your spine, especially if she calls a lot of the shots.

2) A therapist. A good one. For you. This will help you work through your emotions, help you find your footing and generally be an outlet for those times you feel erratic. This person will also help you find the spine you need to get through this.

3) A private investigator if you suspect there's any infidelity. In some states (Virginia) it can affect financial settlements.

4) Friends, confidants, etc. You need to tell a few people what's going on and you need to welcome their support.

I'm not going to lie: It's going to suck for the next several years. It will likely be financially devastating as you pay lawyers and the like. But it HAS to be done. You're looking for a fair and dignified settlement. Do NOT allow yourself to be pushed around. You're entitled to 50% custody. You get 50% of the assets. You may or may not have to pay some spousal support if there is a big income differential. This can be negotiated (and affected if there is infidelity -- see above about the PI).

I'm three years on now. I leveraged her infidelity to get out of paying spousal support -- she had great plans to "pretend to work" in real estate and "make it her year of learning" so she didn't make enough money that a judge would award her a lot of alimony. The photos and evidence from the PI put a stop to that pretty quick -- I think she was shocked.

Now, I'm so much happier than when I was in the years leading up to the divorce where I was staying out of a sense of duty to protect my kids from her borderline tendencies (outbursts of anger, withdrawal, etc). But it was a rocky road to get there.

I did get therapists for the kids. It's helped, but I'm not going to lie -- it messed them up pretty good too. That's unfortunate. But honestly it's hard to say whether it was the actual divorce that caused their issues or the years of living in a house where the parents basically co-existed and were ships in the night and while there wasn't a lot of direct conflict it was clear they didn't really dig each other. I was also the default parent even though she was the SAHM -- I was the one that took them to all the doctors, went to parent teacher conferences alone, went to all their school events solo, all their rehearsals and practices, etc. She stayed in the BR. Towards the end, she was having phone sex with her AP while I was taking the one kid to marching band. So it was a messed up situation. I only wish I had left earlier.

Anonymous wrote:You mention being shocked.

Before the separate bedroom thing happened,

- how was your sex life?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You mention being shocked.

Before the separate bedroom thing happened,

- how was your sex life?

OP here. Don't think our sex life was lacking. Some weeks it was every night, other weeks maybe 3-4 times. And pretty consistent.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You mention being shocked.

Before the separate bedroom thing happened,

- how was your sex life?

OP here. Don't think our sex life was lacking. Some weeks it was every night, other weeks maybe 3-4 times. And pretty consistent.

People on this forum just can't wrap their head around the fact that so many people cheating have regular sex at home. Actually, they don't have ED or dysfunction and high drive so it makes sense they have a lot of sex. Anecdotally, the people close to me that were cheated on did have active sex lives which were above the norm for age demographic and, when spouses were cheating, the sex was even more frequent and passionate at home. It's the hydraulic pump theory.

Anonymous wrote:
I think this is more true for male cheaters. Female cheaters are usually done with the entire marriage and spouse when they cheat. Men are more likely to just getting rocks off on the side to feel young and get validation in midlife.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I think this is more true for male cheaters. Female cheaters are usually done with the entire marriage and spouse when they cheat. Men are more likely to just getting rocks off on the side to feel young and get validation in midlife.

Yes and the best part is when they stop having sex with their DH because they feel like that's cheating on their AP.

BlueFredneck wrote:Posting on behalf of my wife, Chrome barfed before she could hit send.

Well, op, your wife did exactly what this bord suggests, you two went to therapy, and from her perspective, it didn’t work. She didn’t threaten divorce, something the board says to never ever do, she just told you she wanted one.

You said yourself you were lazy and selfish, nobody wants to be married to that. It can be especially painful to be married to someone who can be all in for the kids, but then expects you to “take yourself to the movie” “get your own dinner” “buy whatever you want for Christmas”.
W
Hatever was or wasn’t going on, your wife decided she didn’t want to live with it. Given that you didn’t seem to learn from therapy or your wife’s unhappiness, why do you care?

Know that if you get a girlfriend, the relationship will look very different. The girlfriend will never say “Sally can’t see the movie on the 18th” because Sally isn’t her kid. She’ll never say “I said no to 5 more minutes of Ipad” because it isn’t her kid.

In other words, all you’ll see is pliant adult who helps you, not a wife and mother.
I told my husband this morning “we are raising young lady here” when he said I was angry. I wasn’t, I simply said that what our kid wanted to do on given day wasn’t going to work.. other days would, but not the day she wanted. It took me an hour to sort out how to explain it to him and to his credit, he “got it”. This won’t happen with a girlfriend who is probably doing the pick me dance.. which may be what you want. Remember, as divorced dad, you get free rein to neglect the women you date. That should work out well for you.

Anonymous wrote:It being, divorce. The wife mentioned that she has been unhappy for years and wants a divorce. I'm lost - caught me off guard. She's in the process of moving out of our house. Two kids in the mix, both under 10. I've been shocked for the last week and am having severe anxiety. I'm keeping a cool, brave front for the world but on the inside, I'm shattered. After the kids go to bed, I'm crying and drinking myself to sleep. Wife is sleeping in a separate bedroom until she moves out. She wants nothing to do with trying to save the marriage or discuss how I can make her happy like we used to be. I'm not begging her to stay but wanted to talk about it but she's already made up her mind. I am afraid that I'm going down a rabbit hole that I won't be able to pull myself out of. She had one emotional affair years ago and I have a feeling someone else is involved, but it's neither here nor there.

For those that went through separation/divorce, how did you get your life on track? Are you happier as a single dad? Help.

Anonymous wrote:

BlueFredneck wrote:Posting on behalf of my wife, Chrome barfed before she could hit send.

Well, op, your wife did exactly what this bord suggests, you two went to therapy, and from her perspective, it didn’t work. She didn’t threaten divorce, something the board says to never ever do, she just told you she wanted one.

You said yourself you were lazy and selfish, nobody wants to be married to that. It can be especially painful to be married to someone who can be all in for the kids, but then expects you to “take yourself to the movie” “get your own dinner” “buy whatever you want for Christmas”.
W
Hatever was or wasn’t going on, your wife decided she didn’t want to live with it. Given that you didn’t seem to learn from therapy or your wife’s unhappiness, why do you care?

Know that if you get a girlfriend, the relationship will look very different. The girlfriend will never say “Sally can’t see the movie on the 18th” because Sally isn’t her kid. She’ll never say “I said no to 5 more minutes of Ipad” because it isn’t her kid.

In other words, all you’ll see is pliant adult who helps you, not a wife and mother.
I told my husband this morning “we are raising young lady here” when he said I was angry. I wasn’t, I simply said that what our kid wanted to do on given day wasn’t going to work.. other days would, but not the day she wanted. It took me an hour to sort out how to explain it to him and to his credit, he “got it”. This won’t happen with a girlfriend who is probably doing the pick me dance.. which may be what you want. Remember, as divorced dad, you get free rein to neglect the women you date. That should work out well for you.

I am dating a divorced dad. And have dated others. And your sentence “as a divorced dad, you get free rein to neglect the women you date” is so true. Men use their kids as an excuse all the time. Sometimes it’s legit and I understand and go along with it but a lot of times it is just a convenient excuse.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

BlueFredneck wrote:Posting on behalf of my wife, Chrome barfed before she could hit send.

Well, op, your wife did exactly what this bord suggests, you two went to therapy, and from her perspective, it didn’t work. She didn’t threaten divorce, something the board says to never ever do, she just told you she wanted one.

You said yourself you were lazy and selfish, nobody wants to be married to that. It can be especially painful to be married to someone who can be all in for the kids, but then expects you to “take yourself to the movie” “get your own dinner” “buy whatever you want for Christmas”.
W
Hatever was or wasn’t going on, your wife decided she didn’t want to live with it. Given that you didn’t seem to learn from therapy or your wife’s unhappiness, why do you care?

Know that if you get a girlfriend, the relationship will look very different. The girlfriend will never say “Sally can’t see the movie on the 18th” because Sally isn’t her kid. She’ll never say “I said no to 5 more minutes of Ipad” because it isn’t her kid.

In other words, all you’ll see is pliant adult who helps you, not a wife and mother.
I told my husband this morning “we are raising young lady here” when he said I was angry. I wasn’t, I simply said that what our kid wanted to do on given day wasn’t going to work.. other days would, but not the day she wanted. It took me an hour to sort out how to explain it to him and to his credit, he “got it”. This won’t happen with a girlfriend who is probably doing the pick me dance.. which may be what you want. Remember, as divorced dad, you get free rein to neglect the women you date. That should work out well for you.

I am dating a divorced dad. And have dated others. And your sentence “as a divorced dad, you get free rein to neglect the women you date” is so true. Men use their kids as an excuse all the time. Sometimes it’s legit and I understand and go along with it but a lot of times it is just a convenient excuse.

I am a divorced dad and I've dated single moms who do that, too, so it isn't just a man thing.

That aside, none of the above scolding is relevant to the OP now. He's not asking for dating advice. He won't be (and shouldn't be) dating for quite a while. I can't understand why the women in this thread just can't get this, and obsessively return to the "YoU mUsT dO sElF-iNtRoSpEcTiOn aNd LeArN hOw YoU fAiLeD aS a HusBaNd" thing as if that should be his number one priority right now. No, it isn't, stop it.