Anonymous wrote:We have the kids 50/50, so true no contact is not an option. I really thought once we were divorced and he had a girlfriend, he would stop lashing out at me. A recent gem:

The fact that you were married to me for almost 20 years and bore my two daughters means nothing to me and is no reason for me to be civil to you. The ONLY thing that will result in my being civil to you is if you are nice to my girlfriend and praise her (I’ve never met the woman).

I know this guy is twisted six ways to Sunday. Yet I keep thinking, what was the point of getting out? If he is going to keep treating me terribly and rubbing his girlfriend in my face, I might as well have stayed married and at least then there would be no girlfriend and her kids to take on fancy vacation while my daughters are made to feel illegitimate somehow.

I don’t know how to get over this. I lost my family, and for what? I got out because I thought if I stayed even another year I would be dead - either he would have killed me (two separate therapists warned me about my safety), I would have committed suicide, or I would have gotten cancer. Right now, being dead looks like a pretty good alternative. I don’t even know what the point of getting out was if this was the result.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have the kids 50/50, so true no contact is not an option. I really thought once we were divorced and he had a girlfriend, he would stop lashing out at me. A recent gem:

The fact that you were married to me for almost 20 years and bore my two daughters means nothing to me and is no reason for me to be civil to you. The ONLY thing that will result in my being civil to you is if you are nice to my girlfriend and praise her (I’ve never met the woman).

I know this guy is twisted six ways to Sunday. Yet I keep thinking, what was the point of getting out? If he is going to keep treating me terribly and rubbing his girlfriend in my face, I might as well have stayed married and at least then there would be no girlfriend and her kids to take on fancy vacation while my daughters are made to feel illegitimate somehow.

I don’t know how to get over this. I lost my family, and for what? I got out because I thought if I stayed even another year I would be dead - either he would have killed me (two separate therapists warned me about my safety), I would have committed suicide, or I would have gotten cancer. Right now, being dead looks like a pretty good alternative. I don’t even know what the point of getting out was if this was the result.

OP!!!!!!!! OMG, I wish we could get coffee or have drinks. I might login so that you can PM me. I'm not just there, thought I got over it, still in the middle of a bad divorce, but somehow this week (probably holidays) crying over the fact that I'm trying to rationalize why I should have stayed and trying to minimize his abuse so I make myself feel like leaving was the wrong decision. I know exactly what I'm doing when I get on that thought train and I know what to tell myself to snap right out of it. But, it sucks and no matter what I did, I'm always stuck with this a**hole's bullsh** and no matter what I do or don't do, I am never going to get him out of my life. I'm stuck with him.

To answer your question about how to get over this:

1. Remind yourself constantly that leaving was the right decision. You made the right decision by leaving, because staying in that situation for me would have led to things way worse than what you feel right now.

2. By leaving, you have a chance of modeling appropriate relationships for your kids in the future. That's 1 of 2 reasons I left when I did.

3. Remember that his girlfriend is not only his next victim of abuse, but that he is using her on purpose to continue to abuse you. His intention is to get a reaction from you. Google some articles about gaslighting and "crazy-makers" just to go back to abuse basics and remind yourself that this is just a show. It's your choice to play into this game, and all the times we feed into it teaches us exactly what we have to do to not feed that jacka**.

4. I'm in PG County and there are some domestic violence resources I found beneficial. I go to a weekly DV woman's support group at the Family Crisis Center inside the Beltway. The Family Justice Center in Upper Marlboro also has a support group. I love going, because not only is it group therapy, it's a room full of women who are in different stages, but when I feel like "what the f*** am I supposed to do with this sh**????" I at least have a group of women who just get it. One of the ladies talked me into touching base again with House of Ruth, because they do individual counseling. And we were talking about the benefit of just having someone to talk through some of the BS we've had to deal with that week and it just be about my situation. I wan't ready for one-on-one, but I love/need the group, and now I know how to focus individual counseling. I need to sit down with someone every week and say "This MFer did this!!!" And walk out of there in a short time with the tools I need that week to handle it without losing it.