Insensitive friend, how would you explain this?

[Anonymous]

My husband died last year and I was having a rough day. It was anniversary of his death. We were at lunch with friends and they asked how my weekend was and I said it was fine. They kept pushing, why was it just fine and I said "it's the one year anniversary of my husband's death".. my friend who I am the closest with laughed and said "hey at least you got to go to **** steakhouse and enjoy yourself".. I called her out on it separately and she said she jumped in so the other's wouldn't feel awkward and it's an innocent comment. I have really held back from talking about this over the course of the year but there's a rage inside of me because I have sat and listened to all these friends and the issues they have faced over the last few years and very very rarely made it about myself. We are talking about it tonight and I need the words to explain to my friend how I felt this was wrong of her and she should worry less about people feeling awkward and figure out how to support a close friend. We are close friends and see each other weekly and talk daily.

[Anonymous]

I guess I just need the right words to talk to her about it.. her response is just "well I was trying to lighten the mood because you made so and so feel awkward" and I want to be like "f*ck off. I have sat and listened to everyone single person at this table's problems 100X over. It's not always about everyone else"

[Anonymous]

I am the same type of person. Comparatively speaking, I realize I tend to downplay my suffering while listening to others complain about minor things.

Well, guess what, it's something WE can fix, not them. We can communicate more, to express our emotions and put words to them. Otherwise others won't understand or divine what we're going through. It's not their fault.

So you could have sent your friends a heads-up ahead of time saying "the lunch is coming on the heels of the anniversary of my husband's death - I'll be a bit of a mess, bear with me, looking for support during this difficult time." And they'd have been all over you. Maybe you don't automatically think of doing such things, putting yourself out there, demanding emotional support... and that's fine, but if you don't, then don't expect people to guess what you're feeling.

It's hard to be somewhat of an introvert in an extrovert's world.

I'm sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry for you loss. If you haven't talked to a therapist, I would start there. Your friends should be more supportive, but you likely need more support than your friends can provide. That's a huge loss and they probably don't know how to navigate it, I'm feel very sorry for you.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry for your loss. The one comment was weird, but people often say weird things during awkward movements. If you talk to your friend, make the conversation about the larger issue - that you feel like you do all the listening and supporting. Do not just focus on this one thing.

You also might want to speak up a bit more about what you need. Your friend may think you do not want to talk about your loss.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry. If they didn’t know about the momentous occasion beforehand they were probably caught off guard. If you want others to remember this date and you want to do something to commemorate it you need to be very upfront beforehand. Or you have to keep it under wraps and not “ have them dig it out of you” that’s unfair.

I like to stay home and do a few special things, but that’s just me. If you are more public, please be very specific beforehand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I just need the right words to talk to her about it.. her response is just "well I was trying to lighten the mood because you made so and so feel awkward" and I want to be like "f*ck off. I have sat and listened to everyone single person at this table's problems 100X over. It's not always about everyone else"

So say this, if it is how you feel. Honestly they soumd like shit friends anyway if they don't remember that your husband died a year ago.

[Anonymous]

I am just annoyed she laughed and felt more concerned about the other friends feeling caught off guard and awkward than actually emphasizing and being concerned about me. Like who cares if someone feels awkward for a second? Think about how I feel and she was well aware of the day because we talked about it prior.

[Anonymous]

So when she says that, respond back with, “So it was more important to take care of the feelings of others at the table over the feelings of your friend whose husband died. Rather than comforting me, it was more important to make others feel less awkward. That’s what you’re saying.”

She’ll probably deflect again. Respond back with, “It may have been your intent to lighten the mood. You may not have intended to be hurtful. But what I need you to know is that it was hurtful. And rather than simply apologizing, you’re being defensive and putting this back on me. Again, my husband died. I sincerely hope you find a way to grow up. I’ve got to move on.”

Be done with her, OP. You don’t need this.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry op. I have a friend who lost her husband at a young age, and a few years ago she found a group of young widows to hang out with. I got to go to dinner with them, and I was really struck by how honest and raw they were with each other.

I lost my mom young, and there's just something about being with people who have shared the same sort of loss, that just isn't matched with people who haven't been there, no matter how much those people may love and care about you.

Your friend sucks in this area, and its okay to say that. I'd encourage you to find people who've been through a similar loss as you, and work on leaning on them. Big hugs.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry about your husband, OP.

You have to say just what you said on here. If she keeps trying to make excuses, tell her she should listen and not to it next time. I would tell her "How about you apologize and do better next time."

I am very polite with strangers but I am a straight shooter with my friends and family. While I quickly forgive and forget, I make sure they understand what they did was wrong. I don't expect anyone to be perfect, but I expect people to admit fault and apologize. If they can't, they are not the right friends.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry about your husband OP. People suck at grief…Ian’s they don’t like feeling awkward…and toxic positivity is so pervasive. I would tell them you were really hurt by them laughing off the anniversary of your husbands death. You miss him, and always will. Sending you peace, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry for your loss. The one comment was weird, but people often say weird things during awkward movements. If you talk to your friend, make the conversation about the larger issue - that you feel like you do all the listening and supporting. Do not just focus on this one thing.

You also might want to speak up a bit more about what you need. Your friend may think you do not want to talk about your loss.

I disagree. Make it about this one thing -- don't make it about everything and dredge up a bunch of stuff from the past that you never complained about before. "I get that you thought Larla was uncomfortable when I mentioned that it was the anniversary of Joe's death. But it hurt that you laughed and tried to downplay it. I only brought it up because everyone kept pushing me, but it's real and it hurts, and it felt like you thought it was more important to make Larla comfortable than to comfort me." Let her sit with that and see what she says. Maybe add, "I think I'm just looking for an apology. I understand that grief can make people feel awkward and uncomfortable, and people say the wrong thing because they don't know what to say. I know you mean well. But it hurt my feelings, and I just want to know that you understand that."

[Anonymous]

OP, I am very sorry for your loss. I also lost my husband last year and friends wanted me to attend a get together that happened to fall on his 1 year anniversary. I knew I would be a mess no matter what. But they were like: we’ll celebrate you are doing so well! I knew I would be a mess and declined. It’s such a huge loss people just don’t know what to say or do. I had one person say “well you just need to accept he’s DEAD!” Just 3 months after. I was still deep in mourning. Again I am very sorry for your loss. And I’m sorry your friends were not more understanding.

[Anonymous]

I might ask her why it was so important to "lighten the mood." I mean, people ARE capable of understanding death, are they not? What a crap friend. For what it's worth, I think the points you are making here are quite valid and well stated, OP.