Abuse/infidelity
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Anonymous
| Married to someone who has been progressively relentlessly abusive (emotionally, verbally, physically, and ultimately financially). During this time I fell in love with someone else, had a several year affair that I stopped, and for four years have been only in my marriage. Emotionally though despite zero contact I remained in love with the AP. I never told anyone. I realize now that although I ended it I did not do the emotional work of getting past it. In my marriage I have excused the abusiveness as him feeling unconscious anxiety about the infidelity I never confessed, so I have stayed and stayed bc I think maybe he’s right that I’m a shit person and that all his anger and aggression are justified by and a reaction to my changed heart and this thing he does not know. I used the affair as an escape from our difficult relationship. But the vicious abuse has also helped kill the love. I know that what I did was wrong. I just don’t know how to fix it or whether it is fixable, or whether he would be as abusive if I had never done it. I think on another level he regrets marrying me but stayed out of a sense of honor/obligation for which he punishes and degrades me every day. |
Anonymous
| Huh? So does he know about your affair or not? |
Anonymous
| Infidelity is not an excuse for abuse. Nothing is. Clearly this is a highly toxic and unhappy relationship. Why don't you end it? |
Anonymous
+1 I am appalled at infidelity but good grief you don’t deserve to be verbally and emotionally abused because of it. Get out if you possibly can. It will be hard but not as hard as what you’re going through now. |
Anonymous
| You're clearly unhappy in this relationship. Get divorced. |
Anonymous
| Divorce is legal. Life is short. You have our permission to change your life for the better. |
Anonymous
| You had a multi-year affair. Get divorced. And get tested for godssake. |
Anonymous
And Vice Versa. You have issues, your marriage has issues. Get out. |
Anonymous
| Affair aside, what are you doing? Man up and leave. |
Anonymous
| Op, question for you - what are you getting out of it? This would never be normal and stop blaming yourself for something that he did and only thing you could do is get out and find a new partner. |
Anonymous
|
You are not a shit person; you are an abused person. The affair sounds like an act of desperation for help to extricate yourself from a situation where you are in over your head. If I had to guess, you are simultaneously worried about the pragmatics of how to separate (sounds like he controls the finances), his emotional reaction (are you afraid of physical harm and/or smear campaign?), and the worst - you are afraid no one would ever want you and you will have to face this sh*t storm all alone, and on top of that, you deserve to be punished because you had an affair.
Girl, please see a competent therapist ASAP who has experience counseling abused women. This man has done a number on you. Forget the affair. You ended that years ago and you are fully aware now that you need better coping strategies. Set up a support system to help you get out of that relationship and back on your feet. You deserve to have an abuse-free and happy life. |
Anonymous
Nor the other way around. She needs to get out ASAP and never look back. |
Anonymous
| He physically abused you and you are justifying it? Nope. There’s no salvaging your marriage, get out ASAP. |
Anonymous
+1 So often the cheat with married men and help to traumatize another woman/family. Most likely her AP was a real d*ck to his own wife while being nice to her. Just get out. No infidelity, no putting up with abuse, stand up to the issues and either have him get help or get out. Sounds like 'get out' is what's needed. |
Anonymous
| Do you have kids? If so, ages? |