Abuse/infidelity

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP, but your life sounds like one hot mess right now.

You are living w/someone who physically/verbally/financially abuses you - yet you are continuing to live in this unhealthy dynamic due to residual guilt over an affair that you engaged in.

My best advice for you right now is to seek therapy w/a professional who can help you to come to full terms why you are punishing yourself every single day.
Hopefully you will soon get out of this toxic environment that is your life right now and move on to the life that you ultimately deserve.

Wishing you only the best❣️

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you’re a shit person for having an affair, and I think infidelity is its own form of abuse, but I also think that in no way excuses or justifies the abuse committed against you.

Get out and work on yourself to become a better person and to create better boundaries to protect yourself from abuse.

BTW, your AP has sold. you a sob story about his life to justify his relationship with you. When I read my now exDH’s emails to his AP, they were full of the same kind of “I am stuck in this marriage” rhetoric you describe. But, the reality we had sex multiple times a week and when I confronted him about the affair, he begged me to stay. Even after I ended things, he he worked for a couple more years trying to get me to reconcile, but I refused.

APs (both you and your AP) have serious character flaws. They lie, manipulate, engage in delusional thinking, and create double lives and fantasies. Your AP is manipulating and abusing you in a way that is different from your husband’s abuse.

Again, please get out and get therapy and abstain from relationships for a couple of years while you work on yourself.

Op here, yes I understand all this. As I said the affair is long over. I’m totally aware of the duplicity/cowardice/escapism/delusion/dissociation/living in my head involved. I’d never lived a double life before (except with my husband who abuses me privately and maintains a public facade…so prototypical). I have a tendency towards irresponsibility and dreaminess. This triggers my husband to crack down and again makes me defend his abuse.

Re: AP he never gave me a sob story. His home life had been sufficiently happy. He had not a trace of self-pity. I’ve never known anyone as un-self-pitying. I know it sounds hard to believe, but I admired that about him. He had lost a parent to cancer at a young age and felt life was short, we should focus on the positive, and although he fought/worked hard for his life no one “deserves” anything. He helped me mature in that way, contradictory as that sounds.

You keep forgetting his wife in all of this. Very self-centered both of you. His wife certainly didn’t “deserve” to be cheated on and lied to for years, and certainly not be in a non-monogamous marriage without her knowledge or consent. Talk about abuse.

You have A LOT of work to do since you still cannot see that and still want to frame your affair and AP as something just wonderful. You are shittt and he’s shitty, and (though I’m only getting your version), your husband is shitty. I don’t really by that you are abused. You sound all about justification and mental gymnastics.

[Anonymous]

Many of us have lost a parent young to cancer. We don’t use it as carte Blanche to cheat on our spouses in marriage. WTF?!?!! You found this admirable. That’s the gdddamn tag line from Ashley Madison “life is short have an affair”.

You and lover boy and frickin pathetic and I doubt he even lost a parent. #lifelong player

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many of us have lost a parent young to cancer. We don’t use it as carte Blanche to cheat on our spouses in marriage. WTF?!?!! You found this admirable. That’s the gdddamn tag line from Ashley Madison “life is short have an affair”.

You and lover boy and frickin pathetic and I doubt he even lost a parent. #lifelong player

“Focusing on the positive” was banging a side piece. Ha ! Real winner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many of us have lost a parent young to cancer. We don’t use it as carte Blanche to cheat on our spouses in marriage. WTF?!?!! You found this admirable. That’s the gdddamn tag line from Ashley Madison “life is short have an affair”.

You and lover boy and frickin pathetic and I doubt he even lost a parent. #lifelong player

JC, no one is saying it was carte blanche to cheat! He was so far from a lifelong player. He was a hardworking nerd who had never been unfaithful. I think it happens more often than you think with this type of guy. It's very disappointing to women.

[Anonymous]

You keep forgetting his wife in all of this. Very self-centered both of you. His wife certainly didn’t “deserve” to be cheated on and lied to for years, and certainly not be in a non-monogamous marriage without her knowledge or consent. Talk about abuse.

You have A LOT of work to do since you still cannot see that and still want to frame your affair and AP as something just wonderful. You are shittt and he’s shitty, and (though I’m only getting your version), your husband is shitty. I don’t really by that you are abused. You sound all about justification and mental gymnastics.


Of course I haven't forgotten his wife. I don't pretend that what I & he did was anything but self-centered and shitty to her. She was IMO blameless. There was absolutely a time when if he had left her I would have married him and I can never apologize to her knowing that (not that I would disturb her now anyway). She wasn't lied to though, she knew and stayed. She was smart to stay but it took a heavy toll. He made it up to her later, she got sick and he took good care of her. I think they are okay now. He has contacted me a few times over the years. I don't respond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you’re a shit person for having an affair, and I think infidelity is its own form of abuse, but I also think that in no way excuses or justifies the abuse committed against you.

Get out and work on yourself to become a better person and to create better boundaries to protect yourself from abuse.

BTW, your AP has sold. you a sob story about his life to justify his relationship with you. When I read my now exDH’s emails to his AP, they were full of the same kind of “I am stuck in this marriage” rhetoric you describe. But, the reality we had sex multiple times a week and when I confronted him about the affair, he begged me to stay. Even after I ended things, he he worked for a couple more years trying to get me to reconcile, but I refused.

APs (both you and your AP) have serious character flaws. They lie, manipulate, engage in delusional thinking, and create double lives and fantasies. Your AP is manipulating and abusing you in a way that is different from your husband’s abuse.

Again, please get out and get therapy and abstain from relationships for a couple of years while you work on yourself.

Op here, yes I understand all this. As I said the affair is long over. I’m totally aware of the duplicity/cowardice/escapism/delusion/dissociation/living in my head involved. I’d never lived a double life before (except with my husband who abuses me privately and maintains a public facade…so prototypical). I have a tendency towards irresponsibility and dreaminess. This triggers my husband to crack down and again makes me defend his abuse.

Re: AP he never gave me a sob story. His home life had been sufficiently happy. He had not a trace of self-pity. I’ve never known anyone as un-self-pitying. I know it sounds hard to believe, but I admired that about him. He had lost a parent to cancer at a young age and felt life was short, we should focus on the positive, and although he fought/worked hard for his life no one “deserves” anything. He helped me mature in that way, contradictory as that sounds.

You keep forgetting his wife in all of this. Very self-centered both of you. His wife certainly didn’t “deserve” to be cheated on and lied to for years, and certainly not be in a non-monogamous marriage without her knowledge or consent. Talk about abuse.

You have A LOT of work to do since you still cannot see that and still want to frame your affair and AP as something just wonderful. You are shittt and he’s shitty, and (though I’m only getting your version), your husband is shitty. I don’t really by that you are abused. You sound all about justification and mental gymnastics.

OP, have you ever considered getting evaluated for ADHD Inattentive? Not that being ADHD is a reason for abuse, but you seem to have an awareness that you are doing something that has consequences that are so negative that your DH gets angry (but to an inappropriate degree). I have seen this play out in families where one person has a hidden disability. Surrounding family members get really angry when the person with the hidden disability or illness keeps doing stuff with negative consequences to others. Behavior that is driven by the (unknown) disability or illness is seen by the family as purposeful, e.g. you forgot to pay the credit card bill and ruined my credit because you’re a jerk and immature (instead of because you have ADHD inattentive)

[Anonymous]

Yes. I have it. That doesn't really change things for him. He still saddles me with all the administrative work, won't listen to me about what I know is correct, or talk to me about any questions or problems with it, and gets angry if I screw it up. He only manages his own life and tells me he is doing me a favor by not burdening me with his responsibilities. But I am on my own for me & DCs, we have no point financial plan besides me following his career on his terms wherever that takes us (yes I have my own but it is always secondary) we have no joint retirement plans bc he will not discuss. I just put the maximum into annual contributions, and keep maxing 529s when he isn't looking.

[Anonymous]

^joint financial plan

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You keep forgetting his wife in all of this. Very self-centered both of you. His wife certainly didn’t “deserve” to be cheated on and lied to for years, and certainly not be in a non-monogamous marriage without her knowledge or consent. Talk about abuse.

You have A LOT of work to do since you still cannot see that and still want to frame your affair and AP as something just wonderful. You are shittt and he’s shitty, and (though I’m only getting your version), your husband is shitty. I don’t really by that you are abused. You sound all about justification and mental gymnastics.

Of course I haven't forgotten his wife. I don't pretend that what I & he did was anything but self-centered and shitty to her. She was IMO blameless. There was absolutely a time when if he had left her I would have married him and I can never apologize to her knowing that (not that I would disturb her now anyway). She wasn't lied to though, she knew and stayed. She was smart to stay but it took a heavy toll. He made it up to her later, she got sick and he took good care of her. I think they are okay now. He has contacted me a few times over the years. I don't respond.

He was never going to marry you .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You keep forgetting his wife in all of this. Very self-centered both of you. His wife certainly didn’t “deserve” to be cheated on and lied to for years, and certainly not be in a non-monogamous marriage without her knowledge or consent. Talk about abuse.

You have A LOT of work to do since you still cannot see that and still want to frame your affair and AP as something just wonderful. You are shittt and he’s shitty, and (though I’m only getting your version), your husband is shitty. I don’t really by that you are abused. You sound all about justification and mental gymnastics.

Of course I haven't forgotten his wife. I don't pretend that what I & he did was anything but self-centered and shitty to her. She was IMO blameless. There was absolutely a time when if he had left her I would have married him and I can never apologize to her knowing that (not that I would disturb her now anyway). She wasn't lied to though, she knew and stayed. She was smart to stay but it took a heavy toll. He made it up to her later, she got sick and he took good care of her. I think they are okay now. He has contacted me a few times over the years. I don't respond.

He was never going to marry you .

There is a direct correlation of women that have been severely betrayed and cancer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You keep forgetting his wife in all of this. Very self-centered both of you. His wife certainly didn’t “deserve” to be cheated on and lied to for years, and certainly not be in a non-monogamous marriage without her knowledge or consent. Talk about abuse.

You have A LOT of work to do since you still cannot see that and still want to frame your affair and AP as something just wonderful. You are shittt and he’s shitty, and (though I’m only getting your version), your husband is shitty. I don’t really by that you are abused. You sound all about justification and mental gymnastics.

Of course I haven't forgotten his wife. I don't pretend that what I & he did was anything but self-centered and shitty to her. She was IMO blameless. There was absolutely a time when if he had left her I would have married him and I can never apologize to her knowing that (not that I would disturb her now anyway). She wasn't lied to though, she knew and stayed. She was smart to stay but it took a heavy toll. He made it up to her later, she got sick and he took good care of her. I think they are okay now. He has contacted me a few times over the years. I don't respond.

He was never going to marry you .

I know. He never said otherwise.

[Anonymous]

OP- you seem more focused on fantasy than your marriage. You come out with “woes me. My husband is so mean and abusive” and then never elaborate or mention it again. I’m 100% going to guarantee your are passive aggressive and nasty at home.

You are going to carry all of your crap to the next relationship. You are that type of person with zero grasp of reality or self-reflection.

I know your type all too well. Drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- you seem more focused on fantasy than your marriage. You come out with “woes me. My husband is so mean and abusive” and then never elaborate or mention it again. I’m 100% going to guarantee your are passive aggressive and nasty at home.

You are going to carry all of your crap to the next relationship. You are that type of person with zero grasp of reality or self-reflection.

I know your type all too well. Drama.

I responded to what others responded to in the thread. No one asked about my marriage. It’s all focused on the long-since-ended infidelity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- you seem more focused on fantasy than your marriage. You come out with “woes me. My husband is so mean and abusive” and then never elaborate or mention it again. I’m 100% going to guarantee your are passive aggressive and nasty at home.

You are going to carry all of your crap to the next relationship. You are that type of person with zero grasp of reality or self-reflection.

I know your type all too well. Drama.

I responded to what others responded to in the thread. No one asked about my marriage. It’s all focused on the long-since-ended infidelity.

Women I have known in domestic violence situations are not sitting around all day on message boards waxing poetic about the one that got away. Your story seems made up in your own mind. It’s what cheaters do to justify their behavior. And you still want to scapegoat your spouse instead of looking at your behavior and part in the demise of the marriage. Your multi-year affair and turning away is a big part of it.