Husband is overly attached to his mom
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Anonymous
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I know I’m going to get mean comments about how I should have known better as the signs were always there. My husbands family is very attached to each other in a way that to me seems to be codependent at best and toxic at worst. I guess I can’t relate as I love my family very much but I’m an immigrant so my parents live overseas.I call them every few days and we do family video calls but by all purposes I am my own person and independent. My parents love and respect me and let me put my husband and our little family first.
My husbands family is sort of toxic(IMO). They are very cliquey and my MIL is always going on about family first, blood is thicker than water, and has instilled in her adult children a strong desire to always be together. My MIL was unhappy when my husband started dating me seriously and did not want us to get married. She also did not let her daughter get married until this year and her mother’s disapproval was such a hindrance that she broke up with her fiancé many times until finally deciding she can’t give him up due to her mom. Any major holiday or days off we have we are expected to go to my in laws house. It’s not enough to visit, we must sleep over! My husband wants to do everything his mom wants him to do. I don’t have a say. He texts her and sends her pictures of everything we do. Dinners we make, trips we go on, purchases we make. She’s also his confidant regarding his business and financial decisions. She has also advocated for ensuring that I “pay my share” as I shouldn’t be using much of “his” money. It’s sort of creepy. Long story short, I feel like my husband is devoted to his family or origin and I am just an add on. Am I overreacting? |
Anonymous
| A lot of this I wouldn't be comfortable with either. But it doesn't really matter. You either learn to deal with it or you divorce. You're not going to change him |
Anonymous
| OP when you married him you knew this. How were you expecting to deal with it? Do that. |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
Op here. To be fair, we were 26/27 when we married and I thought he’d grow up and over it. |
Anonymous
| I don’t think you’re overreacting, it sounds awful to me. I think you have put yourself in a bad position. Not sure why you put up with it while dating and in the marriage up until now. I guess you either accept it or divorce. It wouldn’t even be fair to ask them to change their dynamic at this point. |
Anonymous
| Get out! |
Anonymous
| Have you posted about this before? This sounds familiar. In any case, this is a very hard dynamic to live with. Your husband is enmeshed with his mother and you’re the third wheel in this marriage. Do you have children? If not, I wouldn’t without some serious effort at marriage counseling and change in behavior on his part. Also, how close do you live to your MIL? Is there a FIL? |
Anonymous
| If you don't have kids, leave. |
Anonymous
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OP, I’m so sorry.
I won’t note you with unnecessary details, so I’ll just tell you to seek help for yourself. Get into therapy. Maybe make some significant decisions without DH (your own bank account) and formulate an escape plan. Just formulate at this point to give yourself some control and independence. A therapist could help with this. Ideally, DH will get into therapy and join you. Prepare an ultimatum. |
Anonymous
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I opened this thinking it would be another whiner and begrudging tiniest affection of her DH for his mom, but no. Honestly, it sounds like a raging nut house, and your DH is just as complicit, if not more, in this codependent insanity.
However, can you honestly say if you were living in your country, how often would you be seeing your parents? How much would they be involved in your lives? I know my mom would be nuts; she is in Europe. My sister lives on the second floor of her house, and my mom complains that she never sees her! I am from the former Yugoslavia, so maybe your parents would be different. I know in Scandinavian countries parents are non-intrusive, for the most part. However, your MIL and DH sound like codependent narcissists. |
Anonymous
| Do you have kids OP? |
Anonymous
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As the mother of adult men I think this is the mothers failure to raise a boy into an independent man. I’ve seen this happen with friends and I think it is a form of mental abuse. It is our job as parents to be out of a job.
As one of my sons would say, “I’m a grown ass married man” Mom needs to “stay in her lane”. |
Anonymous
| How old is MIL? She won’t be around forever. Will your DH compromise? For example, go for a visit, but not stay over. |
Anonymous
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What, exactly, is different now vs. when you were dating/engaged?
This is who you dated and you were engaged to. That was the time to figure this out. Like, what’s the big reveal? All of a sudden, NOW all this is odd/red flag? |