Husband is overly attached to his mom

[Anonymous]

I'm not clear on what husband and MIL are deciding that is destructive or problematic. In fact, why should they take two cars if they all fit in one and are going to the same place? It sounds like the parents might be older and they might benefit from not having to do a long drive on their own. And why is OP concerned about privacy during the drive when they're going to be sharing a accommodations at the destination? They could always take OP's car so that she would feel free to drive it when she wants some time alone during the trip.

I don't think there's anything per se wrong with seeking guidance from trusted people who have more experience than you do. Nobody will want what's best for your family like your parents will. I can see in some of my siblings that they would have avoided all sorts of stupid mistakes, especially with money, if they'd sought out my parents' help. And OP doesn't seem to say that she disagrees with the advice that the in-laws are giving. Yes, the final decisions should be made by OP and her husband. But what harm is there is getting guidance? Also, I can't tell if OP is indeed Indian. But if she is, and if there is a cultural aspect to this high parental involvement, I'd bet that MIL would absolutely urge him to be a faithful husband who stands by OP through thick and thin. This is the upside to this sort of family attachment.

[Anonymous]

OP if you don’t have kids, your only chance is to move. But I would just cut your losses at this stage because your husband is not in a partnership with you, he’s sleeping with you and being partners with his mother. Find an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP if you don’t have kids, your only chance is to move. But I would just cut your losses at this stage because your husband is not in a partnership with you, he’s sleeping with you and being partners with his mother. Find an adult.

+1. You are in for years of heartache if you stay with this man.

[Anonymous]

I’d say you’re underreacting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband's family is similar, but my husband has managed to break out of the hold quite a bit since having met and married me. He does sometimes talk about "going home" and I have to remind him "this is your home, we are your immediate family." Thankfully his sister is a single crazy cat lady (without any cats) and has an extremely odd codependent relationship with his parents, so I think they focus most of their energy on her and not us.

You are nor a crazy cat lady if you don't have any cats! You sound like a judgemental busybody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband's family is similar, but my husband has managed to break out of the hold quite a bit since having met and married me. He does sometimes talk about "going home" and I have to remind him "this is your home, we are your immediate family." Thankfully his sister is a single crazy cat lady (without any cats) and has an extremely odd codependent relationship with his parents, so I think they focus most of their energy on her and not us.

You are nor a crazy cat lady if you don't have any cats! You sound like a judgemental busybody.

+1 Omg PP sounds the crazy one. I have cats and would rather be a crazy loving cat lady than be vindictive and controlling of my spouse!

[Anonymous]

You gave some agency here. Bring two cats to their house so your DH can sleep over but you can return home. Don’t attend every dinner. Drive separately to NC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You gave some agency here. Bring two cats to their house so your DH can sleep over but you can return home. Don’t attend every dinner. Drive separately to NC.

Cars, not cats!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the mother of adult men I think this is the mothers failure to raise a boy into an independent man. I’ve seen this happen with friends and I think it is a form of mental abuse. It is our job as parents to be out of a job.

As one of my sons would say, “I’m a grown ass married man”

Mom needs to “stay in her lane”.

+ 1million - mom of 2 boys here.

[Anonymous]

My ex was like this. It was awful. I’m so glad he’s my ex.

[Anonymous]

Plenty of married women are very attached to their moms. I don't think the sex of the person should decide if they should be close to their mom or not. But it does become a problem if they blindly rely on advice from their parents and not consult their spouse. Fwiw I am not close to my parents and don't have a problem if my DH is close they can talk all they want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Plenty of married women are very attached to their moms. I don't think the sex of the person should decide if they should be close to their mom or not. But it does become a problem if they blindly rely on advice from their parents and not consult their spouse. Fwiw I am not close to my parents and don't have a problem if my DH is close they can talk all they want.

Agree.

[Anonymous]

You have no voice. You are expected to defer to her demands. He screams at you should you disagree.

If he loved and respected you he would value your thoughts and opinions.

He is using you for the one thing he can't get from her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You gave some agency here. Bring two cats to their house so your DH can sleep over but you can return home. Don’t attend every dinner. Drive separately to NC.

Cars, not cats!

Bringing two cats to MIL’s could be fun, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the mother of adult men I think this is the mothers failure to raise a boy into an independent man. I’ve seen this happen with friends and I think it is a form of mental abuse. It is our job as parents to be out of a job.

As one of my sons would say, “I’m a grown ass married man”

Mom needs to “stay in her lane”.

You clearly have not met most Indian mothers and their sons.

Sadly this is true in many cases with Indian families. In my case, I am the daughter of Indian parents but married to a non-Indian with a (luckily) very functional family. In my case, my brother and parents are extremely codependent and expect the same from me, though I have my own family. My brother is unmarried and childless, and has intertwined himself so completely with my parents, that I always fall short of ‘being there’ for my family. In hindsight, my mom set the scene for this dynamic when we were children, that we must always be there for our blood family and any amount of abusive behavior should be forgiven, because ‘he is your brother’.

My husband has been frustrated with this dynamic for years. My family has always dictated the terms of our interactions and admittedly, I fed into this dynamic and was part of the dysfunction, mostly because I was afraid of upsetting my mom and brother.

Finally, my husband had to basically issue an ultimatum and while I was initially upset, it helped me realize how dysfunctional my family dynamic is and that something has to change if I want to stay married. So I started drawing boundaries with my parents and brother, and as you can imagine, this has not gone over well with anyone. My brother decided I am useless in his life and my parents still cater to his emotional outbursts, but since I have taken myself out of the equation, slowly things have started to change. There have been many bumps in the road, but I am hopeful that things will get better over time for everyone.

I wanted to tell you as someone in your husbands position, that it is possible for the dynamic to change if he is willing to really look at his own behavior. It was very painful for me but I had to realize that it was very unfair to my husband and kids to continue with the dysfunctional dynamic.

Hugs, this is very difficult and we don’t always know when we get married how things will turn out, it’s not always easy to say no to someone because they have a difficult relationship with their family. I hope you are able to find some resolution but I definitely think drawing boundaries, at least with your own behavior/reactions is a start. In my husbands case, he simply started saying no to requests, and I eventually came around to doing the same.

In *some* Indian families but not all - in your case, it sounds like you need some therapy because my family is not like this AT ALL. I am also Indian, married to a Caucasian Mama's boy. It has taken me 10 years to get him away from calling Mom about every little thing. Even now, I think he shares way too much info, but at least she no longer has any influence over our decisions.

Quoted PP here. I mean, I AM in therapy so not sure what you meant by that? Regardless, I said it’s true in many cases, not ALL. And I never said it couldn’t be true in non-indian families. You are very lucky it’s not the case in your family though. Perhaps we ALL need therapy or maybe not to take everything so personally?

Also Indian and this Mama's boy dynamic was why I didn't marry an earlier bf. Fit every stereotype.