Sad situation with my mom - need help/advice

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure where to begin with this - but here goes: When I was 5, my mom married my stepdad. Growing up, I considered him to be my 'real dad.' Loved him very much, was very close to him -- trusted him completely. Didn't have any relationship to my biological dad. But then, when I was 16, he began to sexually abuse me every day for a 3-4 month period -- I won't get into the details, but can say that he could have gone to federal prison for a long time if charges had been pressed. My mom and I weren't on good terms when it happened and I decided not to tell anyone -- that I could handle the burden on my own and it wasn't worth breaking the family apart.

Now, two decades later, I'm in my thirties, and for all that time have been pretending to be in a 'normal,' 'happy' family. But things eventually came to a head for my personally in 2018 (severe depression, marriage falling apart), so I started seeing a therapist—and she was the first person I shared this secret with. In time, I told my husband too. I never thought I'd tell anyone else, certainly not my mom, but I got pregnant this year and realized that I didn't want my dad around a sweet, innocent, and vulnerable child. So I told my mom what happened in June--and told her that I didn't want my dad in my life anymore, nor in my children's life.

The news of course shook her to the core. She has said repeatedly that her life is ruined, that her story is over, etc. At first, she was planning on divorcing my dad. But then, after a week or so, when she confronted my dad about it, he started getting very depressed, saying things that were vaguely suicidal, and my mom started to worry more about his well-being than, it felt, about mine. Maybe that's childish of me to say. But anyway, there's no more talk of divorce and she's continuing to live with him. When my baby came a couple weeks ago, she sent him pictures (which my dad then texted back to me and my husband, as if to say 'I'm still in the picture.') Her rationale is that confronting my dad and living out the truth of this will be too devastating to my brother, who is 10 years younger than me. She also feels extreme shame and can't imagine sharing this with anyone. But I'm beginning to feel abandoned by my mom, and the situation with my brother seems untenable. At some point, he will realize that my dad is the only one who hasn't seen me or the baby...

My mom has been here with me the last few weeks to help out with the baby, but has been very cold and passive aggressive toward me. We've had some fights about it. I accused her of acting like nothing has happened and being cold to me, and she's accused me of not being supportive enough of her, of resenting her, etc. I know I've been cool towards her and sharp in my anger when we fight, but I haven't said anything cruel or that crossed the line -- I don't think anyway. But yesterday, she said to me, almost venomously, "You should have told me when you were 16 what happened, you could have stopped it. When I was younger, I was sexually abused, and I stopped it." And that really hurt. And our connection continues to be frayed while she's here.

I'm worried that my relationship with my mom is going to fall apart. I don't know what to do. She says I don't respect her, am constantly rejecting her, and am unkind, and I'm wondering if there's something I can do to warm her up to me. My husband says to keep a hand extended to her, try to be kind, reassure her that she's welcome here, and we want her to part of our lives and the baby's life. But I feel like I'm doing that, and it's not working. Like I invite her to come on walks with us or to eat dinner with us, and she says "No, that's ok - I know being around me makes you unhappy." I invited her over for the holidays and she said that her priority for the holidays is my brother. And she refuses to be around when DH's parents are around and said to me "Well you've chosen who the real grandparents are," referring to them. The negativity and martyr complex is killing me. What can I do here?

[Anonymous]

More therapy. With a new baby in the picture, you need different tools and boundaries.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry. This is exactly what I’m afraid would happen and why I’ve never told My mom. Your relationship has already fallen apart with your mom. You need to confront your stepdad.

[Anonymous]

Take a break from mom for one month. Seek more therapy. Clarity will come.

[Anonymous]

I don't really have advice beyond therapy and setting boundaries, as others have recommended. I just wanted to say I'm so sorry this happened to you and I wish you peace and healing.

[Anonymous]

Wow OP. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. This is well above DCUM’s pay grade, I’m afraid. Continue with therapy and know that it’s okay to take a break from your mom. It sounds like she really needs therapy but obviously that’s not something you can control. But right now the most important thing is to focus on your baby and yourself. Take care.

[Anonymous]

It is easier for her to blame you and pull away from you. She could have shown him the baby pictures without sending them to him. Him sending them back to you was a power play. Block his texts. He is not feeling ashamed, nor is your Mom.

[Anonymous]

Your Mom is doing the typical thing — thinking who will I replace dear ok’d step dad with if I take up this crusade? Unfortunately very typical reaction. I agree therapy needed. These later child abuse reveals tend to unfortunately bounce back on the victim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is easier for her to blame you and pull away from you. She could have shown him the baby pictures without sending them to him. Him sending them back to you was a power play. Block his texts. He is not feeling ashamed, nor is your Mom.

These are all correct. More therapy. Surround yourself and your sweet baby with other people. Your mother is not going to give you the reaction you want and deserve. Oh, and your mom is terrible for saying you should have stopped it. She should have been a parent who you felt comfortable going to so SHE could have stopped her grown husband from abusing a MINOR. It was NOT your responsibility to stop it. Repeat that every day three times a day. It was NOT your fault and it was not your responsibility for stopping it.

[Anonymous]

Both you and she need therapy separately and hopefully, in the future together. I am glad you are already working through this with a therapist that is helping. Congratulations on your newborn.

Her world was just thrown into chaos and she is still in the throes of the news. She needs time to work through everything. She is probably having a hard time figuring out her new role and life. You do not have to work through it with her. Anger, as you know, is a phase that many of us go through before we get to acceptance.

I wish both of you peace and healing.

[Anonymous]

OP I am very sorry this happened.

You are a parent now. Keep your kids away from your mother she can not be trusted. It is your job to keep them safe.

She did not keep you safe she is not an acceptable adult.

[Anonymous]

Wow.

I'm so sorry, OP. Especially that she blamed you for not stopping it. That was not your responsibility! It was HIS fault for doing it to you in the first place!!

[Anonymous]

Your mom has a lot of growth to do. She's failed you and deeply ashamed, so her coping mechanism is to lash out at you.

I'd consider dropping the rope and just distance yourself from her for a while. Unless and until she grows the eff up and woman up, she's going to continue to hurt you.

I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Op, I am so very sorry. Your mother and stepfather are psychologically limited, and very traumatized themselves. (The generational transmission of abuse from one generation to the next is well documented and not at all uncommon. You are not alone by any means, sadly). Your mother is mired in deep shame, deep humiliation that is steering much of her behavior. These are very complicated dynamics, stay in your own treatment, work through this with (hopefully) a therapist skilled in trauma who you trust. Encourage your mom to see someone, maybe she will maybe she never will. You are entitled to whatever boundaries you need to set. Truly....you are a mother now. You have your own life, surround yourself with loving, healthy people. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Focus on healing yourself. It will take time but you can do it, stay in treatment, and focus on your own little family. She can be in the picture if you want her to be but some of her responses (due to her own pain) have been very hurtful and she has behaved poorly. Because she has trauma too and is consumed by her own pain. Regarding your stepfather....you owe him absolutely nothing. He is ill. You can choose to never see or talk to him again.