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[quote=Anonymous]I'm not sure where to begin with this - but here goes: When I was 5, my mom married my stepdad. Growing up, I considered him to be my 'real dad.' Loved him very much, was very close to him -- trusted him completely. Didn't have any relationship to my biological dad. But then, when I was 16, he began to sexually abuse me every day for a 3-4 month period -- I won't get into the details, but can say that he could have gone to federal prison for a long time if charges had been pressed. My mom and I weren't on good terms when it happened and I decided not to tell anyone -- that I could handle the burden on my own and it wasn't worth breaking the family apart.

Now, two decades later, I'm in my thirties, and for all that time have been pretending to be in a 'normal,' 'happy' family. But things eventually came to a head for my personally in 2018 (severe depression, marriage falling apart), so I started seeing a therapist—and she was the first person I shared this secret with. In time, I told my husband too. I never thought I'd tell anyone else, certainly not my mom, but I got pregnant this year and realized that I didn't want my dad around a sweet, innocent, and vulnerable child. So I told my mom what happened in June--and told her that I didn't want my dad in my life anymore, nor in my children's life.

The news of course shook her to the core. She has said repeatedly that her life is ruined, that her story is over, etc. At first, she was planning on divorcing my dad. But then, after a week or so, when she confronted my dad about it, he started getting very depressed, saying things that were vaguely suicidal, and my mom started to worry more about his well-being than, it felt, about mine. Maybe that's childish of me to say. But anyway, there's no more talk of divorce and she's continuing to live with him. When my baby came a couple weeks ago, she sent him pictures (which my dad then texted back to me and my husband, as if to say 'I'm still in the picture.') Her rationale is that confronting my dad and living out the truth of this will be too devastating to my brother, who is 10 years younger than me. She also feels extreme shame and can't imagine sharing this with anyone. But I'm beginning to feel abandoned by my mom, and the situation with my brother seems untenable. At some point, he will realize that my dad is the only one who hasn't seen me or the baby...

My mom has been here with me the last few weeks to help out with the baby, but has been very cold and passive aggressive toward me. We've had some fights about it. I accused her of acting like nothing has happened and being cold to me, and she's accused me of not being supportive enough of her, of resenting her, etc. I know I've been cool towards her and sharp in my anger when we fight, but I haven't said anything cruel or that crossed the line -- I don't think anyway. But yesterday, she said to me, almost venomously, "You should have told me when you were 16 what happened, you could have stopped it. When I was younger, I was sexually abused, and I stopped it." And that really hurt. And our connection continues to be frayed while she's here.

I'm worried that my relationship with my mom is going to fall apart. I don't know what to do. She says I don't respect her, am constantly rejecting her, and am unkind, and I'm wondering if there's something I can do to warm her up to me. My husband says to keep a hand extended to her, try to be kind, reassure her that she's welcome here, and we want her to part of our lives and the baby's life. But I feel like I'm doing that, and it's not working. Like I invite her to come on walks with us or to eat dinner with us, and she says "No, that's ok - I know being around me makes you unhappy." I invited her over for the holidays and she said that her priority for the holidays is my brother. And she refuses to be around when DH's parents are around and said to me "Well you've chosen who the real grandparents are," referring to them. The negativity and martyr complex is killing me. What can I do here?

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