Sad situation with my mom - need help/advice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Op, would you consider telling your brother the situation? It seems dysfunctional to keep him out of the loop. (I am assuming he is not a minor, because... clearly he needs OUT of that house. Also, he might very well have been victimized too)..

Your step dad is a manipulative and toxic man. Your mother is weak. She should leave him, even if he kills himself. That’s not her responsibility. But if she does stay with him, she doesn’t get to unload her guilt on you. I’m all for honoring one’s parents, but she needs to have the right response to maintain a relationship.

Yep. If I found out my spouse had done that to my child, and he then threatened to kill himself, I would ask would he prefer I get him a rope or a gun. Protect your family and draw those boundaries.

+1000. He's avoiding responsibility with his vague suicide threats. Wants others to think it's their fault if he kills himself. I would let him kill himself. I'm sure there were others. Don't let him meet your child knowing what he's capable of.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry about everything that happened to you.
I am afraid that you cannot have any relationships with your mom.
Her only recourse would be to divorce. Clearly, she is not ready to do that, might be wondering about financial stability, or maybe her dh convinced her that you are lying.
I am so sorry, not only did you get abused, you now lost a mom.

[Anonymous]

I’m struck by what a narcissistic reaction your mother had to you disclosing your abuse.

Real talk: Your mom chose your abuser over you once and now she’s doing it again. Women like your mom are broken in a way that can’t be fixed. Don’t waste your time trying.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, op. You're not to blame. You were a victim and a child. Even if you were older, you still would be the victim and not to blame. You've shouldered something very hard alone for so many years. I hope you find healing.

[Anonymous]

Font be surprised if he molested your brother as well.

[Anonymous]

Your mom is making your stepdad's abuse of you about how you aren't supporting her. Think about that. Please stay in therapy and work through this there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Her priority is to remain with a criminally predatory man who cheated on her by sexually assaulting her young daughter.

The next time she blames you, ask her if she ever wonders how many others there have been over the years.

NP. Although my father didn't sexually abuse me, his was emotional/verbal/physical, I've said similar things to my mom when she dared comment on my DH's parenting. DH is an amazing father and has never, ever be inappropriate with our kids. Whenever my mother has criticized/commented about DH's parenting, I ask if he should be more like my father. It shuts her down pretty quickly (and I have to say, sometimes I go on and on about it because it's really triggering for me and, yes, I've had lots of therapy). She now keeps her comments to herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m struck by what a narcissistic reaction your mother had to you disclosing your abuse.

Real talk: Your mom chose your abuser over you once and now she’s doing it again. Women like your mom are broken in a way that can’t be fixed. Don’t waste your time trying.

Agree 100% and don't keep hoping she will change. You don't need that negativity in your life. Focus on therapy, your healing process, your baby, and your relationship with your husband. You absolutely should not put yourself in situations where these people can hurt you more, or where they can hurt your kiddo.

And tell your brother, especially if you want to continue to have a relationship with him independent of your mom and step-dad, and because he may have been abused as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m struck by what a narcissistic reaction your mother had to you disclosing your abuse.

Real talk: Your mom chose your abuser over you once and now she’s doing it again. Women like your mom are broken in a way that can’t be fixed. Don’t waste your time trying.

+1. OP, is there a history of your mother competing with you? Wonder if she’s blaming you for this, for “seducing” her husband/your step-father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m struck by what a narcissistic reaction your mother had to you disclosing your abuse.

Real talk: Your mom chose your abuser over you once and now she’s doing it again. Women like your mom are broken in a way that can’t be fixed. Don’t waste your time trying.

This right here. Your mom has chosen him over you and should it come to your vulnerable child, she will allow the abuser access to the child without a second thought. She’s not just a narcissistic person, she is an enabler, and she is a danger to you and your family.

[Anonymous]

Guy here,

She is making your abuse about her, and it needs to be about you. Cut her out and let her know why. If she decides to choose him over you, that's on her. It will suck for a few months, but that's about it really

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Op, would you consider telling your brother the situation? It seems dysfunctional to keep him out of the loop. (I am assuming he is not a minor, because... clearly he needs OUT of that house. Also, he might very well have been victimized too)..

Your step dad is a manipulative and toxic man. Your mother is weak. She should leave him, even if he kills himself. That’s not her responsibility. But if she does stay with him, she doesn’t get to unload her guilt on you. I’m all for honoring one’s parents, but she needs to have the right response to maintain a relationship.

Yep. If I found out my spouse had done that to my child, and he then threatened to kill himself, I would ask would he prefer I get him a rope or a gun. Protect your family and draw those boundaries.

+1. Tell her you don't want to talk to her ever again, until she can make the right moral decision to side with the abused instead of the abuser.

[Anonymous]

You'll need to tell your brother sometime. What if he has a child someday? He would want to be warned. Of course, he may not believe you, but at least your conscience is clear. Sorry OP, you're a mom now and your child comes first. Anybody who is wishy-washy about letting pedos be around your child needs to be kicked to the curb. I know it is sad. Definitely more therapy and some space from your mom. Some of the stuff she is saying is outrageous. She is really damaged and can't help you.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry. You need to cut ties with your mother. I think you should explain what happened to your brother and see if he is supportive.

[Anonymous]

Hugs OP. Good advice her. Mom gets completely cut out. No calls, no visits, no grandchild. She has made the choice. Focus on your child and husband. Tell brother.