Sad situation with my mom - need help/advice

[Anonymous]

Her priority is to remain with a criminally predatory man who cheated on her by sexually assaulting her young daughter.

The next time she blames you, ask her if she ever wonders how many others there have been over the years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:More therapy. With a new baby in the picture, you need different tools and boundaries.

Agreed. There is a real narrative here and while the abuse was in no way your fault, you are really far from being healthy. You’ve also given your mom two months to process something she could have known for two decades.

[Anonymous]

Agree with everyone on more therapy and perhaps new boundaries. Your post also reminded me of this lovely piece by Esau McCalley in today's NYT: https://www.nytimes.com/2021/08/21/opinion/pandemic-changes-satisfaction.html

He writes about a complicated relationship with his father, and wrote (movingly), these two things:
"He was like most of us, a mass of contradictions."
"As I grieved, my father’s death brought a certain clarity about my calling as a husband and parent. If my relationship with my dad had been marked by brokenness, I wanted my relationship with my wife and children to be marked by healing."

It's not too late for you and your mom to come to a place of healing, but it's not quick or easy. And you can focus right now on the kind of mother you want to be and can be. That's a perfectly OK priority and boundary for you as you enjoy new motherhood. Peace and healing to you and your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is easier for her to blame you and pull away from you. She could have shown him the baby pictures without sending them to him. Him sending them back to you was a power play. Block his texts. He is not feeling ashamed, nor is your Mom.

These are all correct. More therapy. Surround yourself and your sweet baby with other people. Your mother is not going to give you the reaction you want and deserve. Oh, and your mom is terrible for saying you should have stopped it. She should have been a parent who you felt comfortable going to so SHE could have stopped her grown husband from abusing a MINOR. It was NOT your responsibility to stop it. Repeat that every day three times a day. It was NOT your fault and it was not your responsibility for stopping it.

+1 Keep going to therapy. I'm sorry to say that I can see my mother reacting like this. I get that she's a lot older know and it would be difficult for her to be on her own but she's always chosen the man in her life (first my abusive father and then, once widowed, her 2nd husband). One of the hardest things is accepting that I don't have the mother I deserved - that all kids deserve. Your mother sounds the same. That understanding is earth-shattering. You'll do better for your kids. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

congratulations on your baby op that is wonderful. your mother is victim blaming you and that is not going to go well if you continue to be in contact with these people.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately you will soon see how mom was also guilty. It will eventually lead to you not seeing either of them and your brother until he is 18.
But you can do this with the help of therapy

[Anonymous]

Op, I have an eerily similar story to yours.

I ended up choosing estrangement from my mother (though in my case, my mom knew about the abuse in real time and actually turned a blind eye or even did things to make it easier to happen like leaving me alone with my stepdad, though the abuse was less clear-more like touching/holding/snuggling/rubbing kinds of things, no actual penetration).

My mother has never met my children. I have no contact with her. After many years, I shared the truth of the abuse with my siblings because they had their own children and I felt obligated to make sure they knew so they could protect them.

It was the greatest sorrow of my life when my kids were really little, I yearned for my mother, but has gotten much easier. My kids are now 5 and 3 and I am 98% ok with things as they are.

Lots of therapy and no contact.

Also, I’ve built a network of people who adore my children. I’ve embraced the limited family that I have that is loving (and it’s very few people). We have wonderful nannies who are recent immigrants and our families have kind of adopted each other. Our nanny’s mother is an honorary grandma to my kids.

My kids are madly loved and adored by so many people, it makes it matter less that they don’t have a real grandma (MIL is dead).

I feel like a success. I have succeeded in protecting my kids from this garbage and that is the only thing that matters. The things I went through will never happen to my kids.

[Anonymous]

OP, you do not have to love this woman because she is your Mother. You can be cordial to her, keep her in your life at a distance (why would you have her come to help with the baby?? you are so messed up). You are going to have to be stronger than this for your own child's sake.

[Anonymous]

Op, would you consider telling your brother the situation? It seems dysfunctional to keep him out of the loop. (I am assuming he is not a minor, because... clearly he needs OUT of that house. Also, he might very well have been victimized too)..

Your step dad is a manipulative and toxic man. Your mother is weak. She should leave him, even if he kills himself. That’s not her responsibility. But if she does stay with him, she doesn’t get to unload her guilt on you. I’m all for honoring one’s parents, but she needs to have the right response to maintain a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Op, would you consider telling your brother the situation? It seems dysfunctional to keep him out of the loop. (I am assuming he is not a minor, because... clearly he needs OUT of that house. Also, he might very well have been victimized too)..

Your step dad is a manipulative and toxic man. Your mother is weak. She should leave him, even if he kills himself. That’s not her responsibility. But if she does stay with him, she doesn’t get to unload her guilt on you. I’m all for honoring one’s parents, but she needs to have the right response to maintain a relationship.

Yep. If I found out my spouse had done that to my child, and he then threatened to kill himself, I would ask would he prefer I get him a rope or a gun. Protect your family and draw those boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry. This is exactly what I’m afraid would happen and why I’ve never told My mom. Your relationship has already fallen apart with your mom. You need to confront your stepdad.

I never told my mom either and I used to rationalize it. Eventually my relationship fell apart anyway. She died awhile ago and I don’t even miss her.

OP, I don’t know what you can do. I would hope your mom is acting that way out of guilt and that she will process it and reach out to you. Eventually your brother will know something is wrong and you either tell him or not. I’ve chosen not to tell mine. But both of my parents are gone so there is no one left out. I hope you find peace.

[Anonymous]

Quit your relationship with your mom. Tell your brother why you are breaking the relationship.

Be wary of leaving your children with your side of the family, including your brother.

The way forward is vigilance as far as your kids and other vulnerable children are concerned AND transparency about what happened to you.

[Anonymous]

My mom is like this. My abuse was not like this and it was by a sibling (not sexual, but definitely not typical sibling rivalry by any stretch). Anytime my mother is ever confronted by the truth about ANYTHING that shatters her perfect world she lashes out at the messenger. She would murder the messenger with her bare hands if she could-she flies into a rage. And she gaslights. Did your mom do that? Did she tell you you are imagining things or exaggerating? Did she make you doubt your own reality?

[Anonymous]

Sorry....posted too soon. Boundaries are your friend. I had to learn to accept my mother does not live in reality and is not a safe person. I have a relationship with her that is distant and cordial, but needed therapy to be able to accomplish that.

[Anonymous]

Keep in mind that it’s much harder to extricate yourself from this situation once your child is bonded to your mother. It is better for that bond to never be established in the first place than to have to break it later.

Nannies are your friend! Seriously. I believe our nanny would give her life for our child, she loves him that much. Build your own loving “family” for your children. If you don’t feel ready to cut your mom off completely, at least don’t involve your kids in the relationship and just see her separately on your own.