Wives who treat husbands like crap - and husbands who seem to enjoy it?

[Anonymous]

Here is my question. This is a family/couples dynamic I have seen play out time and again. Maybe it will help me in my own life.

I'm nice, laidback, easygoing, fun to be around, athletic, smart (I think!?) -- and, somehow, never seem to get a guy to commit. Three of my exes have gone on to marry women who are domineering/bossy (I know this due to mutual friends and actually knowing two of the wives well, still same social circles etc). Like, not mean women, but the guys are on a leash.

My sister has a similar dynamic with her husband! It's always "whatever you say" and *eye roll laugh* "have to ask [sister], she's in charge!"

Do I need to be ... meaner? I feel like a 1950s weirdo asking this but truly don't know what''s up and tired of my friends saying "just be yourself" because that doesn't work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here is my question. This is a family/couples dynamic I have seen play out time and again. Maybe it will help me in my own life.

I'm nice, laidback, easygoing, fun to be around, athletic, smart (I think!?) -- and, somehow, never seem to get a guy to commit. Three of my exes have gone on to marry women who are domineering/bossy (I know this due to mutual friends and actually knowing two of the wives well, still same social circles etc). Like, not mean women, but the guys are on a leash.

My sister has a similar dynamic with her husband! It's always "whatever you say" and *eye roll laugh* "have to ask [sister], she's in charge!"

Do I need to be ... meaner? I feel like a 1950s weirdo asking this but truly don't know what''s up and tired of my friends saying "just be yourself" because that doesn't work.

Hmmm... Yes, some men want women to "be in charge" / do all of the mental labor of running a family life while they just ride along without being fully invested. That is the vibe I get from "she's in charge!" type comments, that the men aren't wanting to be full partners. Sometimes laidback and easygoing (man or woman) is code for unwilling to have/share opinions and responsibility.

I don't think that you being "meaner" would help. It might be something else, or you just haven't met the right person yet.

[Anonymous]

Most men have mommy issues. Most moms are controlling so there you go.

It's always fun to have a laid-back easy going friend but when s*** hits the fan you want someone who can take the bull by the horns and get s*** done.

[Anonymous]

I’m at like you, but DH adores me and does almost anything I ask. In past relationships, me being nice kept relationships afloat. We didn't really fight so nothing to end things for awhile. But those guy were not as into me. If I asked for too much they would’ve bolted sooner. They just didn’t have that intense of feelings where it was worth staying.

What I have found is that men that have more intense feelings for women will let the women have whatever they want and do what lever they say. You need to find the man that truly adores you.

[Anonymous]

I'm a dominant bossy wife and that doesn't mean I treat my husband like crap. It's quiet the opposite and my husband is treated very well and besides for running our business which I also work at he has no responsibilities. I'm a take charge type and he's not which works for us and unfortunately others may misinterpret that but unless you specifically know the dynamics of there relationship you don't know what goes on.

[Anonymous]

In my anecdotal experience, those wives make all the decisions and the husbands get to coast through life with someone else carrying all the stress.

[Anonymous]

Maybe they are also bossy and demanding in bed, to the guy’s delight?

[Anonymous]

It might be a situation where correlation does not equal causation. In other words, that "take charge" behavior you're referring to is also correlated with a woman pressing for a commitment in a way that perhaps you aren't. I'm not saying that's good or bad, just that their approach is different than yours.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know any woman who treats her husband like crap! I’m not bossy, but on day to day things my husband is more than happy to let me take charge. He works many more hours than me and makes far more than me so I take care of stuff. At home he probably considers me to be the boss but I’m never bossy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a dominant bossy wife and that doesn't mean I treat my husband like crap. It's quiet the opposite and my husband is treated very well and besides for running our business which I also work at he has no responsibilities. I'm a take charge type and he's not which works for us and unfortunately others may misinterpret that but unless you specifically know the dynamics of there relationship you don't know what goes on.

Lol you’re so defensive, you treat your husband like crap

[Anonymous]

OP you’re obviously such a cool girl that these guys are intimidated by your intellect, athleticism and looks.

[Anonymous]

How old are you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP you’re obviously such a cool girl that these guys are intimidated by your intellect, athleticism and looks.

lol, exactly.

[Anonymous]

Some men experience constant checking and calling and directing of the household as true, deep love. They want to be taken care of in certain ways. What you call "laidback" they would experience as a profound lack of attention and thus attachment. As crazy as it sounds, some men want to have to "report" to someone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m at like you, but DH adores me and does almost anything I ask. In past relationships, me being nice kept relationships afloat. We didn't really fight so nothing to end things for awhile. But those guy were not as into me. If I asked for too much they would’ve bolted sooner. They just didn’t have that intense of feelings where it was worth staying.

What I have found is that men that have more intense feelings for women will let the women have whatever they want and do what lever they say. You need to find the man that truly adores you.

Yes, this. When a man is in love, he will do whatever the woman wants. Use the power wisely.

Also, there's some internalized misogyny going on too. I think OP might be one of those women who think that when a woman expresses a need or sets a boundary, she is "treating her man like crap" instead of, you know, being a full human being.

Lastly, read up on John Gottman and his research. One of the key principles to a lasting marriage is one where the man lets himself be influenced by the woman. There is not a similar correlation the other way, because women are already very good at taking influence from men.