Wives who treat husbands like crap - and husbands who seem to enjoy it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know any woman who treats her husband like crap! I’m not bossy, but on day to day things my husband is more than happy to let me take charge. He works many more hours than me and makes far more than me so I take care of stuff. At home he probably considers me to be the boss but I’m never bossy.

NP
Maybe this is an issue of perception. I am surprised you don't know any one like this! Perhaps, when I see dismissive and belittling behavior you see "taking charge".

[Anonymous]

LOL. I and most of my friends were like you when we were young and courting. And then we got married, and had kids and we've slowly evolved into knowing that if we need to get anything done in life, our house, for our kids, we better do it ourselves or manage it, because many men just don't care.
So, we take charge simply because someone has to. Sometimes we seem "bossy/domineering" because we get exhausted from having to ask/remind our husbands/kids 10+ times to do what they're supposed to to keep our home functioning

[Anonymous]

Honestly I’d rather be single than be in a relationship like that. I expect my DH to be an adult man who can share in making decisions for our family. I’m a lawyer by day managing a steady workload and the last thing I would want is to come home and be my spouse’s boss. You seem to have dodged a bullet with your exes. Imagine having to be in charge of nearly everything for the rest of your life …

[Anonymous]

In my experience men give women only as much commitment as they demand. Bossy women find it easier to demand commitment so they get it. Women who want men to just want them so much they decide to commit/propose tend to wait.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here is my question. This is a family/couples dynamic I have seen play out time and again. Maybe it will help me in my own life.

I'm nice, laidback, easygoing, fun to be around, athletic, smart (I think!?) -- and, somehow, never seem to get a guy to commit. Three of my exes have gone on to marry women who are domineering/bossy (I know this due to mutual friends and actually knowing two of the wives well, still same social circles etc). Like, not mean women, but the guys are on a leash.

My sister has a similar dynamic with her husband! It's always "whatever you say" and *eye roll laugh* "have to ask [sister], she's in charge!"

Do I need to be ... meaner? I feel like a 1950s weirdo asking this but truly don't know what''s up and tired of my friends saying "just be yourself" because that doesn't work.

With men my first thought is to evaluate their relationships with their mothers and look at the mothers personality.

Some men will marry the opposite of their mothers but many are looking for someone similar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I’d rather be single than be in a relationship like that. I expect my DH to be an adult man who can share in making decisions for our family. I’m a lawyer by day managing a steady workload and the last thing I would want is to come home and be my spouse’s boss. You seem to have dodged a bullet with your exes. Imagine having to be in charge of nearly everything for the rest of your life …

Way to Miss the point...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know any woman who treats her husband like crap! I’m not bossy, but on day to day things my husband is more than happy to let me take charge. He works many more hours than me and makes far more than me so I take care of stuff. At home he probably considers me to be the boss but I’m never bossy.

NP
Maybe this is an issue of perception. I am surprised you don't know any one like this! Perhaps, when I see dismissive and belittling behavior you see "taking charge".

I think there is a huge difference between taking charge and dismissive and belittling behavior. Dismissive and belittling behavior is emotional abuse and has little to do with taking charge. Taking charge can become dismissive and belittling but I think it is the exception and not the rule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is my question. This is a family/couples dynamic I have seen play out time and again. Maybe it will help me in my own life.

I'm nice, laidback, easygoing, fun to be around, athletic, smart (I think!?) -- and, somehow, never seem to get a guy to commit. Three of my exes have gone on to marry women who are domineering/bossy (I know this due to mutual friends and actually knowing two of the wives well, still same social circles etc). Like, not mean women, but the guys are on a leash.

My sister has a similar dynamic with her husband! It's always "whatever you say" and *eye roll laugh* "have to ask [sister], she's in charge!"

Do I need to be ... meaner? I feel like a 1950s weirdo asking this but truly don't know what''s up and tired of my friends saying "just be yourself" because that doesn't work.

Hmmm... Yes, some men want women to "be in charge" / do all of the mental labor of running a family life while they just ride along without being fully invested. That is the vibe I get from "she's in charge!" type comments, that the men aren't wanting to be full partners. Sometimes laidback and easygoing (man or woman) is code for unwilling to have/share opinions and responsibility.

I don't think that you being "meaner" would help. It might be something else, or you just haven't met the right person yet.

Spot on.

I know way too many "nice laid back" dads who shirk most things on the homefront. They'll sit at the neighbors pool with the guys and beer while their toddlers drown 5 feet away, the women take care of the kids or food, and look at their iPhones. Then when there's a accident they say, "But I didn't do anything!" Indeed, indeed, you did not do anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a dominant bossy wife and that doesn't mean I treat my husband like crap. It's quiet the opposite and my husband is treated very well and besides for running our business which I also work at he has no responsibilities. I'm a take charge type and he's not which works for us and unfortunately others may misinterpret that but unless you specifically know the dynamics of there relationship you don't know what goes on.

This. I'm the same. But I also manage the calendar/events/things to do. He does not have to expend the mental labor on those things. Ever. So when I ask/tell him to do something, I expect him to do it. I'm sure that comes off "domineering" but if he doesn't want to be the laboring oar here, he doesn't get to complain.

And fwiw, he is treated very well. He has an expensive hobby, two actually, that he spends a lot of time/money on. He comes and goes as he pleases and gets lots of time with his friends. And has a wife that does a lot of manual labor around the house too: mowing grass, weeding, painting, etc.

[Anonymous]

So I could have written your post when I was single and frustrated. True, you will not end up with one of the guys who wants his wife to take charge of the social calendar, etc etc. you will find a great guy who wants to be your partner however! I did. I will say, i am not passive by any means but even I found that during the first few years I felt annoyed that my husband had such strong opinions about domestic and baby things and didn’t just defer to me. But over time we’ve worked out a better balance.