finally understanding what kind of people my parents are and not liking it

[Anonymous]

I'm coming to a better understanding of what kind of person my mother is and that she has some contempt for me. We do not live near my parents but when they visit, they bring a lot of grief and cause unnecessary stress. They come to see our kids but by the fourth or fifth day, there's an ugly conflict. Thank heavens they stay at a hotel. What I'm realizing now is that my mother has a very manipulative side. My husband saw it early on and has kept her at arm's length. I get it, even more, these days. She's been pissed for years that we moved away because she feels she is owed a certain life, i.e. us visiting them every weekend to pay tribute. That's the culture she's from.

She's also the queen of schaudenfreude and likes to talk about other people's misfortunes. She's gossiped to me about her friends' adult children and their problems and I now realize she's most likely doing the same thing when it comes to me and my family.

Funny thing is she used to accuse other relatives of being "manipulative" or "opportunists" many years ago. Turns out she's just as bad but hides it better. She's lost contact with friends and family members over the years and now I see why. She had a few major blowups with people when I was a kid and it all makes sense now. It's her. For those who've experienced this, what do you do when you realize someone is so toxic? It's one of those good to the kids situations but I'm sure at some point they're going to figure out her by the time they're teenagers, too.

[Anonymous]

It's OK for your kids to love her and have a positive relationship with her. I loved my grandparents dearly, and it wasn't until after their deaths that I started to think about and come to terms with their deep imperfections, namely racism. I cherish the good memories and do my best to release the bad things by making sure I don't repeat those bad patterns or worldviews.

It's also OK to keep your distance, establish your boundaries, and shut down bad behavior. You set the tone in your home. You are in charge of what you will accept/negotiate, and what you won't put up with. You do your best, and any disappointment or frustration she feels are hers to deal with. Her feelings are not your responsibility or your problem.

Take care, OP.

[Anonymous]

I have a 6 day limit with my parents. On the 7th day, some ugly argument is going to go down. I think it would be easier if we lived closer (then we could do do stuff like just go out to dinner), we would not have a 24/7 visit. You know the limit. Plan for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm coming to a better understanding of what kind of person my mother is and that she has some contempt for me. We do not live near my parents but when they visit, they bring a lot of grief and cause unnecessary stress. They come to see our kids but by the fourth or fifth day, there's an ugly conflict. Thank heavens they stay at a hotel. What I'm realizing now is that my mother has a very manipulative side. My husband saw it early on and has kept her at arm's length. I get it, even more, these days. She's been pissed for years that we moved away because she feels she is owed a certain life, i.e. us visiting them every weekend to pay tribute. That's the culture she's from.

She's also the queen of schaudenfreude and likes to talk about other people's misfortunes. She's gossiped to me about her friends' adult children and their problems and I now realize she's most likely doing the same thing when it comes to me and my family.

Funny thing is she used to accuse other relatives of being "manipulative" or "opportunists" many years ago. Turns out she's just as bad but hides it better. She's lost contact with friends and family members over the years and now I see why. She had a few major blowups with people when I was a kid and it all makes sense now. It's her. For those who've experienced this, what do you do when you realize someone is so toxic? It's one of those good to the kids situations but I'm sure at some point they're going to figure out her by the time they're teenagers, too.

Your mom sounds a lot like my mom, who has a NPD diagnosis.

Lots of unnecessary stress and drama. It's her immaturity. Almost like life isn't interesting enough unless something is blowing up and she can judge it. Schaudenfreude is huge as well and probably helps to balance her low self esteem. Lots of comparing me to other people and gossiping about me to her adult friends. Or the bank teller. It never ends.

And her accusing other people of being manipulative/opportunists may be her projecting her own qualities on to them. My mom often tells me what she's really up to by accusing me of it OR accusing someone else (like if she tells me I'm poisoning people against her...I know that's what she's been doing against me).

We've gone no contact. I was hoping to have a "good for the kids" situation but it turns out, her throwing me under a bus and talking bad about my husband and I in front of the kids isn't good for them....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm coming to a better understanding of what kind of person my mother is and that she has some contempt for me. We do not live near my parents but when they visit, they bring a lot of grief and cause unnecessary stress. They come to see our kids but by the fourth or fifth day, there's an ugly conflict. Thank heavens they stay at a hotel. What I'm realizing now is that my mother has a very manipulative side. My husband saw it early on and has kept her at arm's length. I get it, even more, these days. She's been pissed for years that we moved away because she feels she is owed a certain life, i.e. us visiting them every weekend to pay tribute. That's the culture she's from.

She's also the queen of schaudenfreude and likes to talk about other people's misfortunes. She's gossiped to me about her friends' adult children and their problems and I now realize she's most likely doing the same thing when it comes to me and my family.

Funny thing is she used to accuse other relatives of being "manipulative" or "opportunists" many years ago. Turns out she's just as bad but hides it better. She's lost contact with friends and family members over the years and now I see why. She had a few major blowups with people when I was a kid and it all makes sense now. It's her. For those who've experienced this, what do you do when you realize someone is so toxic? It's one of those good to the kids situations but I'm sure at some point they're going to figure out her by the time they're teenagers, too.

Your mom sounds a lot like my mom, who has a NPD diagnosis.

Lots of unnecessary stress and drama. It's her immaturity. Almost like life isn't interesting enough unless something is blowing up and she can judge it. Schaudenfreude is huge as well and probably helps to balance her low self esteem. Lots of comparing me to other people and gossiping about me to her adult friends. Or the bank teller. It never ends.

And her accusing other people of being manipulative/opportunists may be her projecting her own qualities on to them. My mom often tells me what she's really up to by accusing me of it OR accusing someone else (like if she tells me I'm poisoning people against her...I know that's what she's been doing against me).

We've gone no contact. I was hoping to have a "good for the kids" situation but it turns out, her throwing me under a bus and talking bad about my husband and I in front of the kids isn't good for them....

OP here. There is some narcissism there (very proud of being Christian in a superior, pushy, nationalistic way). I think it masks a lot of insecurity as it does with most narcissists. I think she is also a little lonely and tries to make up for it by asserting herself as a third parent to my kids, always asking too many questions about them and even once declaring that she WILL BE one of the most important people in their lives. She said that when they were babies. It was a bit much.

And yes, there's always drama. It's exasperating. They visit, we have a nice few days, and then bam! The poop hits the fan and there's drama, usually some crap over the kids or politics or religion.
I really can't do it anymore. I used to hear the same stuff too about poisoning people against her. I talked to a therapist in college and she said the therapist really needs to hear from her as well to get the full picture, as if everything is always about her first and foremost. Sigh.

[Anonymous]

I think you just leveled up, OP, as the kids would have it

The next level is to realize that she's emotionally stunted and a lot of her actions and words aren't something she can change about herself. So the goal is acceptance and distancing and boundaries.

My mother was the last of 7, neglected by both parents, bullied by older siblings, and told at one point by her mother that she was not loved and they wanted a boy in her place. It's no wonder my mother has a very immature way of understanding relationships and has no friends. She tends to be hypercontrolling, has no boundaries with me, can be terribly critical and seems to rejoice in the misfortunes of others.

So. Distance. Boundaries. Or as my doctor husband says: "I treat her like one of my mentally ill patients. Very politely, but without any emotional connection."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I think you just leveled up, OP, as the kids would have it

The next level is to realize that she's emotionally stunted and a lot of her actions and words aren't something she can change about herself. So the goal is acceptance and distancing and boundaries.

My mother was the last of 7, neglected by both parents, bullied by older siblings, and told at one point by her mother that she was not loved and they wanted a boy in her place. It's no wonder my mother has a very immature way of understanding relationships and has no friends. She tends to be hypercontrolling, has no boundaries with me, can be terribly critical and seems to rejoice in the misfortunes of others.

So. Distance. Boundaries. Or as my doctor husband says: "I treat her like one of my mentally ill patients. Very politely, but without any emotional connection."

OP here again. She enjoys a lot of panic, too. She hates where we live and feels that she lives in a superior place with superior schools that we basically turned our noses up at when we moved. So she'll read about our kids district, find something negative and declare see! see! this is such a bad district. Told you so!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm coming to a better understanding of what kind of person my mother is and that she has some contempt for me. We do not live near my parents but when they visit, they bring a lot of grief and cause unnecessary stress. They come to see our kids but by the fourth or fifth day, there's an ugly conflict. Thank heavens they stay at a hotel. What I'm realizing now is that my mother has a very manipulative side. My husband saw it early on and has kept her at arm's length. I get it, even more, these days. She's been pissed for years that we moved away because she feels she is owed a certain life, i.e. us visiting them every weekend to pay tribute. That's the culture she's from.

She's also the queen of schaudenfreude and likes to talk about other people's misfortunes. She's gossiped to me about her friends' adult children and their problems and I now realize she's most likely doing the same thing when it comes to me and my family.

Funny thing is she used to accuse other relatives of being "manipulative" or "opportunists" many years ago. Turns out she's just as bad but hides it better. She's lost contact with friends and family members over the years and now I see why. She had a few major blowups with people when I was a kid and it all makes sense now. It's her. For those who've experienced this, what do you do when you realize someone is so toxic? It's one of those good to the kids situations but I'm sure at some point they're going to figure out her by the time they're teenagers, too.

Sounds like my mom. Just realized last year she’s a covert narcissist. Everything after that makes sense. My mom also has lost many relationships over the years and loves to gossip and thinks we owe her for things she does. We moved away last year and I went low contact. Also sought therapy and am learning how to hold boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm coming to a better understanding of what kind of person my mother is and that she has some contempt for me. We do not live near my parents but when they visit, they bring a lot of grief and cause unnecessary stress. They come to see our kids but by the fourth or fifth day, there's an ugly conflict. Thank heavens they stay at a hotel. What I'm realizing now is that my mother has a very manipulative side. My husband saw it early on and has kept her at arm's length. I get it, even more, these days. She's been pissed for years that we moved away because she feels she is owed a certain life, i.e. us visiting them every weekend to pay tribute. That's the culture she's from.

She's also the queen of schaudenfreude and likes to talk about other people's misfortunes. She's gossiped to me about her friends' adult children and their problems and I now realize she's most likely doing the same thing when it comes to me and my family.

Funny thing is she used to accuse other relatives of being "manipulative" or "opportunists" many years ago. Turns out she's just as bad but hides it better. She's lost contact with friends and family members over the years and now I see why. She had a few major blowups with people when I was a kid and it all makes sense now. It's her. For those who've experienced this, what do you do when you realize someone is so toxic? It's one of those good to the kids situations but I'm sure at some point they're going to figure out her by the time they're teenagers, too.

Your mom sounds a lot like my mom, who has a NPD diagnosis.

Lots of unnecessary stress and drama. It's her immaturity. Almost like life isn't interesting enough unless something is blowing up and she can judge it. Schaudenfreude is huge as well and probably helps to balance her low self esteem. Lots of comparing me to other people and gossiping about me to her adult friends. Or the bank teller. It never ends.

And her accusing other people of being manipulative/opportunists may be her projecting her own qualities on to them. My mom often tells me what she's really up to by accusing me of it OR accusing someone else (like if she tells me I'm poisoning people against her...I know that's what she's been doing against me).

We've gone no contact. I was hoping to have a "good for the kids" situation but it turns out, her throwing me under a bus and talking bad about my husband and I in front of the kids isn't good for them....

OP here. There is some narcissism there (very proud of being Christian in a superior, pushy, nationalistic way). I think it masks a lot of insecurity as it does with most narcissists. I think she is also a little lonely and tries to make up for it by asserting herself as a third parent to my kids, always asking too many questions about them and even once declaring that she WILL BE one of the most important people in their lives. She said that when they were babies. It was a bit much.

And yes, there's always drama. It's exasperating. They visit, we have a nice few days, and then bam! The poop hits the fan and there's drama, usually some crap over the kids or politics or religion.
I really can't do it anymore. I used to hear the same stuff too about poisoning people against her. I talked to a therapist in college and she said the therapist really needs to hear from her as well to get the full picture, as if everything is always about her first and foremost. Sigh.

Also, I stopped giving her details. Last year one of my kids was diagnosed with autism but knowing she’ll react with her expert opinion, I decided to not tell her. She doesn’t know how to be supportive, only “right.”