Reply to finally understanding what kind of people my parents are and not liking it

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm coming to a better understanding of what kind of person my mother is and that she has some contempt for me. We do not live near my parents but when they visit, they bring a lot of grief and cause unnecessary stress. They come to see our kids but by the fourth or fifth day, there's an ugly conflict. Thank heavens they stay at a hotel. What I'm realizing now is that my mother has a very manipulative side. My husband saw it early on and has kept her at arm's length. I get it, even more, these days. She's been pissed for years that we moved away because she feels she is owed a certain life, i.e. us visiting them every weekend to pay tribute. That's the culture she's from.

She's also the queen of schaudenfreude and likes to talk about other people's misfortunes. She's gossiped to me about her friends' adult children and their problems and I now realize she's most likely doing the same thing when it comes to me and my family.

Funny thing is she used to accuse other relatives of being "manipulative" or "opportunists" many years ago. Turns out she's just as bad but hides it better. She's lost contact with friends and family members over the years and now I see why. She had a few major blowups with people when I was a kid and it all makes sense now. It's her. For those who've experienced this, what do you do when you realize someone is so toxic? It's one of those good to the kids situations but I'm sure at some point they're going to figure out her by the time they're teenagers, too. [/quote]

Your mom sounds a lot like my mom, who has a NPD diagnosis.

Lots of unnecessary stress and drama. It's her immaturity. Almost like life isn't interesting enough unless something is blowing up and she can judge it. Schaudenfreude is huge as well and probably helps to balance her low self esteem. Lots of comparing me to other people and gossiping about me to her adult friends. Or the bank teller. It never ends.

And her accusing other people of being manipulative/opportunists may be her projecting her own qualities on to them. My mom often tells me what she's really up to by accusing me of it OR accusing someone else (like if she tells me I'm poisoning people against her...I know that's what she's been doing against me).

We've gone no contact. I was hoping to have a "good for the kids" situation but it turns out, her throwing me under a bus and talking bad about my husband and I in front of the kids isn't good for them.... [/quote]

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