Trans(?) Child

[Anonymous]

I have a 12 year old son previously diagnosed with ADHD who until the pandemic was thriving. His mental health rapidly deteriorated after schools closed and he was cutoff from teachers, coaches, friends, etc.

His therapist believes that in addition to ADHD he has severe depression and possibly Asperger's. Unfortunately, son is unenthusiastic about the therapy and it has not helped.

There was a thread posted here back in May about an 11 yo girl coming out as gay. It was very helpful to me because son told us at the time he might be gay. Several posters mentioned that there are many kids coming out as gay/trans who turn out not to be. Therapist concurs that this is happening a lot. Son must have developed some feeling for girls because he has since told us he is bisexual.

Son has been watching lots of videos from trans people and recently concluded that he is really a girl. We have been taken aback by the vehemence with which he is asserting this. Among other things, he wants to start hormone therapy right away. He is demanding to buy girls' clothing, wear makeup, tell strangers he is trans, and be called by a girl's name. For what it's worth, he has never shown any feminine characteristics and even now is like a tornado going through the house every day.

So, he might be trans but we are doubtful. We would like to help him work through this while preserving our relationship with him. We have told him we love him no matter what but otherwise don't know what to do because he doesn't cooperate with the therapist, or listen to reason. Son says the issue was not even discussed with therapist this week.

Any suggestions? We are desperate for help.

[Anonymous]

This is not the place to ask for advice on this, I don’t think. There is so much prejudice on this board.

But I don’t think that children can even get hormone therapy if they aren’t cooperating with their therapists. You can try changing therapists but I believe that’s the first step.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not the place to ask for advice on this, I don’t think. There is so much prejudice on this board.

But I don’t think that children can even get hormone therapy if they aren’t cooperating with their therapists. You can try changing therapists but I believe that’s the first step.

And when I say “the first step” I mean the first practical step for the whole situation, not the first step for getting hormones.

Also I know from first hand experience that this is hard. Hang in there. You are right both to be a little skeptical and to be open to the possibility that your child is trans.

[Anonymous]

Read The Transgender Teen by Stephanie Brill and Lisa Kenney. It was so helpful for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a 12 year old son previously diagnosed with ADHD who until the pandemic was thriving. His mental health rapidly deteriorated after schools closed and he was cutoff from teachers, coaches, friends, etc.

His therapist believes that in addition to ADHD he has severe depression and possibly Asperger's. Unfortunately, son is unenthusiastic about the therapy and it has not helped.

There was a thread posted here back in May about an 11 yo girl coming out as gay. It was very helpful to me because son told us at the time he might be gay. Several posters mentioned that there are many kids coming out as gay/trans who turn out not to be. Therapist concurs that this is happening a lot. Son must have developed some feeling for girls because he has since told us he is bisexual.

Son has been watching lots of videos from trans people and recently concluded that he is really a girl. We have been taken aback by the vehemence with which he is asserting this. Among other things, he wants to start hormone therapy right away. He is demanding to buy girls' clothing, wear makeup, tell strangers he is trans, and be called by a girl's name. For what it's worth, he has never shown any feminine characteristics and even now is like a tornado going through the house every day.

So, he might be trans but we are doubtful. We would like to help him work through this while preserving our relationship with him. We have told him we love him no matter what but otherwise don't know what to do because he doesn't cooperate with the therapist, or listen to reason. Son says the issue was not even discussed with therapist this week.

Any suggestions? We are desperate for help.

I've been through this - sort of - with both my girls, 14 and 10. First, yes, this is a huge topic these days. Not just in the DMV, but everywhere. My older daughter has two friends right now that are identifying as not female. It's very common and I don't think it's a hostile attitude to acknowledge that tweens and teens are being exposed to the idea of gender fluidity and that it may influence them. However, i have found that's a fine line to walk when your child is telling you they feel this way.

I did basically the same as you - expressed support no matter what. I drew the line at buying a requested binder for my daughter, not because I don't think being transgender is real or that I think it is wrong. I just told her that she was expressing feelings that she had never expressed before regarding her gender and a binder was starting a process that I was not comfortable starting without a lot more thought and analysis. There were tears and some yelling but she accepted that and the topic has seemed to go by the wayside. So my 2 cents would be a hard no on hormone therapy.

If she had started expressing a desire to wear boy's clothes, cut her hair, etc. I would not stop her. That's my younger daughter. She wants to be sort of androgynous and that's fine. I emphasize that the feelings they are experiencing - basically the discomfort around puberty and this time in adolescence is normal and if they stop feeling this way that's ok too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a 12 year old son previously diagnosed with ADHD who until the pandemic was thriving. His mental health rapidly deteriorated after schools closed and he was cutoff from teachers, coaches, friends, etc.

His therapist believes that in addition to ADHD he has severe depression and possibly Asperger's. Unfortunately, son is unenthusiastic about the therapy and it has not helped.

There was a thread posted here back in May about an 11 yo girl coming out as gay. It was very helpful to me because son told us at the time he might be gay. Several posters mentioned that there are many kids coming out as gay/trans who turn out not to be. Therapist concurs that this is happening a lot. Son must have developed some feeling for girls because he has since told us he is bisexual.

Son has been watching lots of videos from trans people and recently concluded that he is really a girl. We have been taken aback by the vehemence with which he is asserting this. Among other things, he wants to start hormone therapy right away. He is demanding to buy girls' clothing, wear makeup, tell strangers he is trans, and be called by a girl's name. For what it's worth, he has never shown any feminine characteristics and even now is like a tornado going through the house every day.

So, he might be trans but we are doubtful. We would like to help him work through this while preserving our relationship with him. We have told him we love him no matter what but otherwise don't know what to do because he doesn't cooperate with the therapist, or listen to reason. Son says the issue was not even discussed with therapist this week.

Any suggestions? We are desperate for help.

I've been through this - sort of - with both my girls, 14 and 10. First, yes, this is a huge topic these days. Not just in the DMV, but everywhere. My older daughter has two friends right now that are identifying as not female. It's very common and I don't think it's a hostile attitude to acknowledge that tweens and teens are being exposed to the idea of gender fluidity and that it may influence them. However, i have found that's a fine line to walk when your child is telling you they feel this way.

I did basically the same as you - expressed support no matter what. I drew the line at buying a requested binder for my daughter, not because I don't think being transgender is real or that I think it is wrong. I just told her that she was expressing feelings that she had never expressed before regarding her gender and a binder was starting a process that I was not comfortable starting without a lot more thought and analysis. There were tears and some yelling but she accepted that and the topic has seemed to go by the wayside. So my 2 cents would be a hard no on hormone therapy.

If she had started expressing a desire to wear boy's clothes, cut her hair, etc. I would not stop her. That's my younger daughter. She wants to be sort of androgynous and that's fine. I emphasize that the feelings they are experiencing - basically the discomfort around puberty and this time in adolescence is normal and if they stop feeling this way that's ok too.

PP here - ^^I just re-read that and realized it sounds condescending and dismissive, which isn't my intent towards OP or towards the kids dealing with this. Overall I have tried to keep an open mind and calm vibe because emotions can get heated. If I had a child that continually expressed they felt they were meant to be the opposite gender that would be one thing, but to have a kid that has never really expressed suddenly declare they want to be the opposite gender, while undergoing the stress of the pandemic and other issues (ADHD in OP's son) would make me want to proceed cautiously and leave room for the kid to change their mind 180 degrees the other way the next week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a 12 year old son previously diagnosed with ADHD who until the pandemic was thriving. His mental health rapidly deteriorated after schools closed and he was cutoff from teachers, coaches, friends, etc.

His therapist believes that in addition to ADHD he has severe depression and possibly Asperger's. Unfortunately, son is unenthusiastic about the therapy and it has not helped.

There was a thread posted here back in May about an 11 yo girl coming out as gay. It was very helpful to me because son told us at the time he might be gay. Several posters mentioned that there are many kids coming out as gay/trans who turn out not to be. Therapist concurs that this is happening a lot. Son must have developed some feeling for girls because he has since told us he is bisexual.

Son has been watching lots of videos from trans people and recently concluded that he is really a girl. We have been taken aback by the vehemence with which he is asserting this. Among other things, he wants to start hormone therapy right away. He is demanding to buy girls' clothing, wear makeup, tell strangers he is trans, and be called by a girl's name. For what it's worth, he has never shown any feminine characteristics and even now is like a tornado going through the house every day.

So, he might be trans but we are doubtful. We would like to help him work through this while preserving our relationship with him. We have told him we love him no matter what but otherwise don't know what to do because he doesn't cooperate with the therapist, or listen to reason. Son says the issue was not even discussed with therapist this week.

Any suggestions? We are desperate for help.

I've been through this - sort of - with both my girls, 14 and 10. First, yes, this is a huge topic these days. Not just in the DMV, but everywhere. My older daughter has two friends right now that are identifying as not female. It's very common and I don't think it's a hostile attitude to acknowledge that tweens and teens are being exposed to the idea of gender fluidity and that it may influence them. However, i have found that's a fine line to walk when your child is telling you they feel this way.

I did basically the same as you - expressed support no matter what. I drew the line at buying a requested binder for my daughter, not because I don't think being transgender is real or that I think it is wrong. I just told her that she was expressing feelings that she had never expressed before regarding her gender and a binder was starting a process that I was not comfortable starting without a lot more thought and analysis. There were tears and some yelling but she accepted that and the topic has seemed to go by the wayside. So my 2 cents would be a hard no on hormone therapy.

If she had started expressing a desire to wear boy's clothes, cut her hair, etc. I would not stop her. That's my younger daughter. She wants to be sort of androgynous and that's fine. I emphasize that the feelings they are experiencing - basically the discomfort around puberty and this time in adolescence is normal and if they stop feeling this way that's ok too.

I think that's an overall very thoughtful and balanced response.

OP, if your child is wanting to explore this issue, it should be done with a team that is experienced in sorting through this. Obviously you can't (as a regular parent) just go to CVS and pick up hormone blockers or hormone therapy. Your child needs to understand that, if it is not already clear. It's generally a multi-year process from application to even considering hormone therapy.

The University of Maryland has a good team. Dr. Nikita has an excellent intro to their program and advice for talking to children and adolescents about this issue here: https://www.umms.org/ummc/pros/physician-briefs/pediatrics/pediatric-endocrinology

The University of Virginia also has a great team. https://med.virginia.edu/pediatrics/divisions/division-of-general-pediatrics/teen-young-adult-clinic/teen-young-adult-transgender-clinic/

[Anonymous]

There is counseling availabile to help your child work through this (and for parent support) at Children’s in DC. https://childrensnational.org/departments/gender-development-program

[Anonymous]

OP, I will go ahead and say what others wont: do not pursue this with an "expert" because they are the most biased of the bunch.

Please read up on Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not the place to ask for advice on this, I don’t think. There is so much prejudice on this board.

But I don’t think that children can even get hormone therapy if they aren’t cooperating with their therapists. You can try changing therapists but I believe that’s the first step.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a 12 year old son previously diagnosed with ADHD who until the pandemic was thriving. His mental health rapidly deteriorated after schools closed and he was cutoff from teachers, coaches, friends, etc.

His therapist believes that in addition to ADHD he has severe depression and possibly Asperger's. Unfortunately, son is unenthusiastic about the therapy and it has not helped.

There was a thread posted here back in May about an 11 yo girl coming out as gay. It was very helpful to me because son told us at the time he might be gay. Several posters mentioned that there are many kids coming out as gay/trans who turn out not to be. Therapist concurs that this is happening a lot. Son must have developed some feeling for girls because he has since told us he is bisexual.

Son has been watching lots of videos from trans people and recently concluded that he is really a girl. We have been taken aback by the vehemence with which he is asserting this. Among other things, he wants to start hormone therapy right away. He is demanding to buy girls' clothing, wear makeup, tell strangers he is trans, and be called by a girl's name. For what it's worth, he has never shown any feminine characteristics and even now is like a tornado going through the house every day.

So, he might be trans but we are doubtful. We would like to help him work through this while preserving our relationship with him. We have told him we love him no matter what but otherwise don't know what to do because he doesn't cooperate with the therapist, or listen to reason. Son says the issue was not even discussed with therapist this week.

Any suggestions? We are desperate for help.

I've been through this - sort of - with both my girls, 14 and 10. First, yes, this is a huge topic these days. Not just in the DMV, but everywhere. My older daughter has two friends right now that are identifying as not female. It's very common and I don't think it's a hostile attitude to acknowledge that tweens and teens are being exposed to the idea of gender fluidity and that it may influence them. However, i have found that's a fine line to walk when your child is telling you they feel this way.

I did basically the same as you - expressed support no matter what. I drew the line at buying a requested binder for my daughter, not because I don't think being transgender is real or that I think it is wrong. I just told her that she was expressing feelings that she had never expressed before regarding her gender and a binder was starting a process that I was not comfortable starting without a lot more thought and analysis. There were tears and some yelling but she accepted that and the topic has seemed to go by the wayside. So my 2 cents would be a hard no on hormone therapy.

If she had started expressing a desire to wear boy's clothes, cut her hair, etc. I would not stop her. That's my younger daughter. She wants to be sort of androgynous and that's fine. I emphasize that the feelings they are experiencing - basically the discomfort around puberty and this time in adolescence is normal and if they stop feeling this way that's ok too.

PP here - ^^I just re-read that and realized it sounds condescending and dismissive, which isn't my intent towards OP or towards the kids dealing with this. Overall I have tried to keep an open mind and calm vibe because emotions can get heated. If I had a child that continually expressed they felt they were meant to be the opposite gender that would be one thing, but to have a kid that has never really expressed suddenly declare they want to be the opposite gender, while undergoing the stress of the pandemic and other issues (ADHD in OP's son) would make me want to proceed cautiously and leave room for the kid to change their mind 180 degrees the other way the next week.

OP here. Thanks so much for your thoughtful advice (and I did not think your initial post was condescending or dismissive!).

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your kid is so unhappy, the he is flailing around looking for a fix/reason. Of course, I could be wrong about that order of things...but it is my hunch.

Can you try to find a therapist who is a better fit for him?

Good luck to you both. Hopefully, this pandemic will come to an end at some point and he will do better with in person classes.

[Anonymous]

This group has a good repuation, but they are not cheap (and likely have a wait).

https://stixrud.com/

[Anonymous]

OP -- I'm the parent of a young transman (female at birth). First, let me say that your initial post and the comments from 16:42 are quite reasonable and I endorse them. This will be a difficult time for your family no matter how it all ends up. As difficult as it was for us, I am so thankful that my son came out before anyone ever heard of Caitlyn Jenner and the trans-thing exploded. I am sure that only makes it more difficult to sort out what's going on today.

The internet does make kids strident. Happened with our son too. We kept warning about the reliability of info on the internet, but in truth our son was able to figure out pretty well who was and was not reliable,. It probably does help them confirm whatever they are thinking somewhat, but its very hard to take it away. Just keep engaging and hope he'll share what he's looking at so you can evaluate it too.

I have just a few thoughts prompted by some of the posts above.

1. We too were skeptical about using a therapist who specialized in this issues because we were concerned they would just have a bias to confirm what the child said. On the other hand, we also tried a therapist who no real experience with these issues and that was both a complete waste of time and we discovered he had a strong bias in the other direction. We finally settled on a therapist who had previously had a number of patients who were exploring trans identity and seemed up on the literature, but whose pediatric practice was much broader, i.e., she was not dependent on potential trans referrals for a primary source of income. She was very good.

2. We took the position -- back then we had support for it form several medical organizations (not sure if they have changed) -- that there could be no medical interventions unless our child lived as the opposite gender openly for some period of time (I forget if it was 6 months or a year) and was also in therapy dealing with the issue for some period of time (again, I don't recall exactly how long but I'm sure it was at least 6 months, if not a year). I should note that our son never thought he was gender queer -- a term that he knew but we didn't at the time.

3. Hormones.

First, you need to understand the difference between puberty blockers and cross hormone therapy - what they do, side effects, etc.

Second, you should start researching this now -- without your child in my opinion. If he starts pushing again you will already want to be armed with the information to share with him. If he goes on the journey with you to do the research, he'll likely get very excitable making it harder to learn quietly.

Third, you need to ask specifically about these with respect to fertility. I think cross hormones after a while can make a boy sterile. I had heard that puberty blockers did not way back when, but I am sure there is much more data today so you should consult a medical expert (endocrinologist, I believe). I doubt most 11 year old boys are really in a position to evaluate how they will feel about biological reproduction, and if he hasn't hit puberty yet you probably can't do anything to preserve those options unless there have been some medical breakthroughs I've not heard about. But you should be asking these questions of medical specialists now "just in case" you have to go down this road.

Fourth, and this is the really tough one. If it turns out that your child really is trans and is going to live as a woman as an adult -- and based on how recent this all came up I doubt you will have an opinion on that one way or the other for quite some time -- then yes, puberty blockers can dramatically improve the child's appearance, self-esteem and quality of life later (voice, adams apple, physique, etc.).

My son has one friend who is a young transwoman (not in this area). She is beautiful and confident. But I understand she was one of these "boys" who insisted she was a girl and behaved accordingly from a very young age and did so consistently, which gave her mom the confidence to use puberty blockers. You sound too early in your journey to know where this is going, but do all the fact gathering ASAP.

Best of luck to you, your child, and the rest of your family.

[Anonymous]

One follow up to above (17:07 again). There may be a tension between puberty blockers and preserving reproduction capability. I would talk to experts now about how they have navigated that. Until a few years ago. most professionals in this area did not even talk about /consider the implications for reproduction -- really negligent. Whatever decisions are made, should at least be fully informed.