Trans(?) Child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your kid is so unhappy, the he is flailing around looking for a fix/reason. Of course, I could be wrong about that order of things...but it is my hunch.

Can you try to find a therapist who is a better fit for him?

Good luck to you both. Hopefully, this pandemic will come to an end at some point and he will do better with in person classes.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks again for all the responses. I thought I would update this from time to time in case it might help someone.

So, a week ago, I thought we were on the verge of this being over. In my initial post I had mentioned that son had been watching lots of videos on the internet that seemed to influence him. What I did not fully appreciate is that son had met an older trans kid (born male) and spent all day with him for three weeks at a camp. This kid apparently has become my son's trans mentor. The kid is only a grade ahead of mine so it may be partly psychological for me but he towers over my son and has already developed a lot of adult male characteristics so he looks much older. Frankly, this makes me more than a bit uncomfortable. It is a tough situation because son has had very few friends in his life and has really latched on to this kid.

The week before last son went away to a week long sleep away camp. Since his return he has not mentioned hormones, girl's clothing or wearing makeup. Apparently, after 5 days away from the internet and his mentor, he started to develop some misgivings. Early last week, son wrote on a social media site that he had been certain he was a girl but now was having considerable doubts. So, that's when I thought that it might be over. But after he discussed this with the trans mentor kid and one other kid who is sort of an echo chamber, the decision was that he should push the doubts out of his head and keep moving forward as a girl. He is still asking that we refer to him by a girl's name.

We are looking at options for a new therapist but it is quite difficult these days, especially if you need someone who takes insurance.

[Anonymous]

Your child is Aspergers? I have a daughter who is aspergers. They rarely see the subtle parts of life. It's all or nothing. If your child is struggling with gender identity, it definitely could be gung ho or not at all.

Find a new therapist and start slowing your child down from making any long term decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your child is Aspergers? I have a daughter who is aspergers. They rarely see the subtle parts of life. It's all or nothing. If your child is struggling with gender identity, it definitely could be gung ho or not at all.

Find a new therapist and start slowing your child down from making any long term decisions.

Asperberger's is no longer a diagnosis. IOP if your therapist doesn't know this then you need to find a new therapist regardless.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. I have a trans daughter. This journey is a long one. Start by using your child’s preferred name and pronouns. I know it’s really, really hard. But it’s so important. Even if they never transition, you are sending a message of unconditional love and support. You can communicate your own feelings by carefully sharing that you think rushing to meditation would be a mistake without a lot of therapy first. But allow them to dress the way they choose. Pushing back will backfire. Trans kids are at very, very high risk of suicide. Your role isn’t necessarily to agree, but to be a loving, supportive, safe presence.

I know what you’re feeling. It’s so easy to tell other people to be accepting of trans kids - until it’s your kid. Then it becomes so painful. You have to dig deep and support your child. Therapy helped me process some unexpected feelings.

[Anonymous]

I just want to lend my support. I am struggling with a child who has other issues but I am blown away by the courage trans-parents embody

[Anonymous]

I was the OP of the post back in May. FWIW, my daughter was very strong in the beginning (folks told me she would grow out of it, or we pushed her in that direction). It’s been several months and she has decided on pansexual and has had “crushes” on both boys and girls. We have been supportive and just keep the line’s of communication open.

My daughter also recently made a trans boy friend (not female) and I’ve discovered from his mother that just talking to your child openly. It sounds like you are doing everything you can be. I just want to lend my support.

[Anonymous]

Any news on this?

Op! Stay strong and support your child! I’m not sure what would be the right support for him/her, but I hope you get it done.

I think it’s telling that this other boy has so much power. Maybe the solution is much simpler.

[Anonymous]

Why is a 12 year old watching videos about trans people?

[Anonymous]

Do boys know they can be feminine without being female?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any news on this?

Op! Stay strong and support your child! I’m not sure what would be the right support for him/her, but I hope you get it done.

I think it’s telling that this other boy has so much power. Maybe the solution is much simpler.

OP here. Thanks for all the posts. I'll give a quick update.

Son has cooled down some. He seems to mostly have lost interest in the kid who was his trans mentor. Also, he has done some research, and we have discussed, the side effects of hormones. He now says that was a bad idea. He still says he feels like a girl though.

We are trying to be warm and keep him close without being judgmental. It feels like he is just going to have to work this out of his system on his own time frame. I don't think this will be permanent but it could take months or even years for him to work it out. Here is an example of working it out. He talked for weeks about how badly he wanted to buy a pair of girls jeans. So finally, we took him to the mall with the agreement that he could try on but not buy a pair of jeans. He went into the changing room and stayed there for a long time. But to cut to the chase, once he actually put them on whatever glamorous images were in his head went away and what he found was that girls jeans are just not very comfortable. He has dropped the girls jeans idea but he still mentions other (non-specified) girls clothing he would like to try.

And to the person who asked why a 12 year old is watching trans videos on YouTube, it's a fair question. But any newer TV is going to have YouTube and if you leave the kid alone for 5 minutes, this is the result. For bigger picture reasons involving his overall mental health, we have moved to cut way back on his computer and YouTube use.

[Anonymous]

I'm curious to a PP who doesn't think their 12 year old sees trans kids on videos. It's all over YouTube - you're blind if you don't think your kid is watching.

As for OP, it might help for you to stop thinking that this is something to "grow out of" or "work out of his system" - it will make it more difficult for you in the long run. Just know that your child is still your child, no matter if they are trans, non-binary, gender fluid, gay, hetero, bi or anything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious to a PP who doesn't think their 12 year old sees trans kids on videos. It's all over YouTube - you're blind if you don't think your kid is watching.

As for OP, it might help for you to stop thinking that this is something to "grow out of" or "work out of his system" - it will make it more difficult for you in the long run. Just know that your child is still your child, no matter if they are trans, non-binary, gender fluid, gay, hetero, bi or anything else.

The parents that control the internet in their house, of course.

There are no devices allowed in their bedrooms. YouTube is only accessed via the family room TV. I know EXACTLY what they watch.

And they are not watching trans kids.

the 9yo is watching Art for Kids hub, and other drawing tutorials

The 12yo is watching NFL highlight, and football training videos.

Not every family has the same 'hands-off' approach that seems to prevalent these days

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do boys know they can be feminine without being female?

Bingo! They need male role models to show them its ok to do feminine things but still be male. I do believe its part of it.

My son is VERY into fashion, and we've let him have that breathing room. But he's also VERY into football.

It's ok to be into both. And its no surprise that some of his favorite players are men like Cam Newton, that show its possible to do both

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP -- I'm the parent of a young transman (female at birth). First, let me say that your initial post and the comments from 16:42 are quite reasonable and I endorse them. This will be a difficult time for your family no matter how it all ends up. As difficult as it was for us, I am so thankful that my son came out before anyone ever heard of Caitlyn Jenner and the trans-thing exploded. I am sure that only makes it more difficult to sort out what's going on today.

The internet does make kids strident. Happened with our son too. We kept warning about the reliability of info on the internet, but in truth our son was able to figure out pretty well who was and was not reliable,. It probably does help them confirm whatever they are thinking somewhat, but its very hard to take it away. Just keep engaging and hope he'll share what he's looking at so you can evaluate it too.

I have just a few thoughts prompted by some of the posts above.

1. We too were skeptical about using a therapist who specialized in this issues because we were concerned they would just have a bias to confirm what the child said. On the other hand, we also tried a therapist who no real experience with these issues and that was both a complete waste of time and we discovered he had a strong bias in the other direction. We finally settled on a therapist who had previously had a number of patients who were exploring trans identity and seemed up on the literature, but whose pediatric practice was much broader, i.e., she was not dependent on potential trans referrals for a primary source of income. She was very good.

2. We took the position -- back then we had support for it form several medical organizations (not sure if they have changed) -- that there could be no medical interventions unless our child lived as the opposite gender openly for some period of time (I forget if it was 6 months or a year) and was also in therapy dealing with the issue for some period of time (again, I don't recall exactly how long but I'm sure it was at least 6 months, if not a year). I should note that our son never thought he was gender queer -- a term that he knew but we didn't at the time.

3. Hormones.

First, you need to understand the difference between puberty blockers and cross hormone therapy - what they do, side effects, etc.

Second, you should start researching this now -- without your child in my opinion. If he starts pushing again you will already want to be armed with the information to share with him. If he goes on the journey with you to do the research, he'll likely get very excitable making it harder to learn quietly.

Third, you need to ask specifically about these with respect to fertility. I think cross hormones after a while can make a boy sterile. I had heard that puberty blockers did not way back when, but I am sure there is much more data today so you should consult a medical expert (endocrinologist, I believe). I doubt most 11 year old boys are really in a position to evaluate how they will feel about biological reproduction, and if he hasn't hit puberty yet you probably can't do anything to preserve those options unless there have been some medical breakthroughs I've not heard about. But you should be asking these questions of medical specialists now "just in case" you have to go down this road.

Fourth, and this is the really tough one. If it turns out that your child really is trans and is going to live as a woman as an adult -- and based on how recent this all came up I doubt you will have an opinion on that one way or the other for quite some time -- then yes, puberty blockers can dramatically improve the child's appearance, self-esteem and quality of life later (voice, adams apple, physique, etc.).

My son has one friend who is a young transwoman (not in this area). She is beautiful and confident. But I understand she was one of these "boys" who insisted she was a girl and behaved accordingly from a very young age and did so consistently, which gave her mom the confidence to use puberty blockers. You sound too early in your journey to know where this is going, but do all the fact gathering ASAP.

Best of luck to you, your child, and the rest of your family.

thank you so much for this!!!

I have a cis boy who has been trans relate for 2.5 years, age 13, I’ve been wondering above it a lot of these things. I am very supportive, but hesitant to pursue “permanent” options in case her opinion changes as she continues to develop. I’m not in denial, or anti-, just hedging “in case” her mind changes. She has lived openly as female for almost all that time, I’m cool with it.

We have not done therapy as I didn’t want to push her towards something that wasn’t permanent , but it’s been 2+ years, so I think it’s time.

Anyone have counseling recommendations? Live in the Fairfax area.
Thanks for your support in this!!