Trans(?) Child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP -- I'm the parent of a young transman (female at birth). First, let me say that your initial post and the comments from 16:42 are quite reasonable and I endorse them. This will be a difficult time for your family no matter how it all ends up. As difficult as it was for us, I am so thankful that my son came out before anyone ever heard of Caitlyn Jenner and the trans-thing exploded. I am sure that only makes it more difficult to sort out what's going on today.

The internet does make kids strident. Happened with our son too. We kept warning about the reliability of info on the internet, but in truth our son was able to figure out pretty well who was and was not reliable,. It probably does help them confirm whatever they are thinking somewhat, but its very hard to take it away. Just keep engaging and hope he'll share what he's looking at so you can evaluate it too.

I have just a few thoughts prompted by some of the posts above.

1. We too were skeptical about using a therapist who specialized in this issues because we were concerned they would just have a bias to confirm what the child said. On the other hand, we also tried a therapist who no real experience with these issues and that was both a complete waste of time and we discovered he had a strong bias in the other direction. We finally settled on a therapist who had previously had a number of patients who were exploring trans identity and seemed up on the literature, but whose pediatric practice was much broader, i.e., she was not dependent on potential trans referrals for a primary source of income. She was very good.

2. We took the position -- back then we had support for it form several medical organizations (not sure if they have changed) -- that there could be no medical interventions unless our child lived as the opposite gender openly for some period of time (I forget if it was 6 months or a year) and was also in therapy dealing with the issue for some period of time (again, I don't recall exactly how long but I'm sure it was at least 6 months, if not a year). I should note that our son never thought he was gender queer -- a term that he knew but we didn't at the time.

3. Hormones.

First, you need to understand the difference between puberty blockers and cross hormone therapy - what they do, side effects, etc.

Second, you should start researching this now -- without your child in my opinion. If he starts pushing again you will already want to be armed with the information to share with him. If he goes on the journey with you to do the research, he'll likely get very excitable making it harder to learn quietly.

Third, you need to ask specifically about these with respect to fertility. I think cross hormones after a while can make a boy sterile. I had heard that puberty blockers did not way back when, but I am sure there is much more data today so you should consult a medical expert (endocrinologist, I believe). I doubt most 11 year old boys are really in a position to evaluate how they will feel about biological reproduction, and if he hasn't hit puberty yet you probably can't do anything to preserve those options unless there have been some medical breakthroughs I've not heard about. But you should be asking these questions of medical specialists now "just in case" you have to go down this road.

Fourth, and this is the really tough one. If it turns out that your child really is trans and is going to live as a woman as an adult -- and based on how recent this all came up I doubt you will have an opinion on that one way or the other for quite some time -- then yes, puberty blockers can dramatically improve the child's appearance, self-esteem and quality of life later (voice, adams apple, physique, etc.).

My son has one friend who is a young transwoman (not in this area). She is beautiful and confident. But I understand she was one of these "boys" who insisted she was a girl and behaved accordingly from a very young age and did so consistently, which gave her mom the confidence to use puberty blockers. You sound too early in your journey to know where this is going, but do all the fact gathering ASAP.

Best of luck to you, your child, and the rest of your family.

thank you so much for this!!!

I have a cis boy who has been trans relate for 2.5 years, age 13, I’ve been wondering above it a lot of these things. I am very supportive, but hesitant to pursue “permanent” options in case her opinion changes as she continues to develop. I’m not in denial, or anti-, just hedging “in case” her mind changes. She has lived openly as female for almost all that time, I’m cool with it.

We have not done therapy as I didn’t want to push her towards something that wasn’t permanent , but it’s been 2+ years, so I think it’s time.

Anyone have counseling recommendations? Live in the Fairfax area.
Thanks for your support in this!!

My 14 year old CIS girl just told me she wants to have surgery to remove her penis!
Wow, things I never saw coming in the delivery room

We strongly feel that this is too young to make such a permanent decision, how young is too young? She’s been “she” for three years.

[Anonymous]

cis girls don't have penises

[Anonymous]

Is there a hobby or sport (or volunteer role) he can focus on?

It won't solve the other issues he is dealing with, but might provide a few hours of healthy distraction, human interaction with peers and get him off the internet?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:cis girls don't have penises

How could a parent be YEARS into this process and not understand the terms yet?

If this is impacting your family, please take the time to get educated people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:cis girls don't have penises

How could a parent be YEARS into this process and not understand the terms yet?

If this is impacting your family, please take the time to get educated people.

There.Are.So.Many.Terms. and new ones popping up all the time. Who tf can keep up? Also, why do we need so many labels?

[Anonymous]

OP here. In light of the two posts above by people with transgender children, I want to briefly weigh in. I would encourage anyone whose child announces when they are a tween or teen that they are transgender but has no prior history of identifying as the opposite sex to consider counseling. But also to take into account that bad counseling may be worse than no counseling.

Start by asking how is the child's relationship with his/her parents. If it is not good, i would urge you to draw your child close and re-establish that bond. Be warm and loving but also curious and neutral about their identity issues. Let them know you are here for them no matter what. Also, for tweens and younger teenagers, take a hard look at their internet usage. You may be shocked at what they are looking at. Seriously consider dialing it back. That may be tough. We could not do it so we had to eliminate internet access except for in tightly controlled circumstances. To our surprise, we have a MUCH happier kid.

Second, to the extent that you can, I would assess where the child's mental health is. Has there been trauma in the child's life recently? Does the child have ADHD, depression, autism spectrum issues, etc.? Has there been bullying or ostracism by peers? If you have any of these issues, I would strongly encourage that the child work through these issues with a therapist and determine how they are impacting or causing the gender identity issues before any transition takes place, at least any medical or surgical transition.

Lastly, I would encourage anyone who is curious about this issue and who is not a militant one way or the other to listen to the recent interviews with Dr. Laura Edwards-Leeper on the Unspeakable podcast. She practices affirmative therapy but is critical of practitioners who rush kids to medical transition and overstate the risks of suicide for kids who do not immediately go on pharmaceuticals. If you are interested in someone who takes a more skeptical approach, you can Google Sasha Ayad.

[Anonymous]

They shouldn't have surgery until they're old enough to join the army

[Anonymous]

My DD identified started identifying as transgender at the age of 13. We followed the advice of the gender therapist to change name, use male pronouns, and buy a binder. The only thing we said no to was the hormones. As it ended up, our daughter was a confused teen who got the idea she was a boy from an older teen at school. But it took her nearly five years...until she was almost 18...to realize this was a big mistake. Now that she is a young adult, she tells me she is bi and says the reason she thought she was trans was because she didn't realize there were different ways to be a girl. So glad we didn't allow the hormones. No matter what anyone may claim, blocking puberty is not an innocent "pause" button. And giving a teen girl testosterone can cause irreversible changes.

I agree 100%, OP, that bad counseling is worse than no counseling. I think if we had not sent my daughter to a gender therapist, she would not have taken so long to realize the real reasons behind her trans identity. It seems many counselors are either afraid to question kids about this, or really believe that just because a kid says they are trans then it must be so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks again for all the responses. I thought I would update this from time to time in case it might help someone.

So, a week ago, I thought we were on the verge of this being over. In my initial post I had mentioned that son had been watching lots of videos on the internet that seemed to influence him. What I did not fully appreciate is that son had met an older trans kid (born male) and spent all day with him for three weeks at a camp. This kid apparently has become my son's trans mentor. The kid is only a grade ahead of mine so it may be partly psychological for me but he towers over my son and has already developed a lot of adult male characteristics so he looks much older. Frankly, this makes me more than a bit uncomfortable. It is a tough situation because son has had very few friends in his life and has really latched on to this kid.

The week before last son went away to a week long sleep away camp. Since his return he has not mentioned hormones, girl's clothing or wearing makeup. Apparently, after 5 days away from the internet and his mentor, he started to develop some misgivings. Early last week, son wrote on a social media site that he had been certain he was a girl but now was having considerable doubts. So, that's when I thought that it might be over. But after he discussed this with the trans mentor kid and one other kid who is sort of an echo chamber, the decision was that he should push the doubts out of his head and keep moving forward as a girl. He is still asking that we refer to him by a girl's name.

We are looking at options for a new therapist but it is quite difficult these days, especially if you need someone who takes insurance.

Watching Youtube videos unsupervised at age 11. Posting on social media at age 11. Parent of the year.

[Anonymous]

Anyone with experience of a child who wants to be identified as the opposite gender much younger? Like at 4? Insistent, persistent, consistent for at least 6 months now. But wants to be known as a woman, not a girl (child was born a boy), so we are not sure if this is driven by general unhappiness with this stage of life. We are also working through other diagnoses like anxiety, ASD. Any advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone with experience of a child who wants to be identified as the opposite gender much younger? Like at 4? Insistent, persistent, consistent for at least 6 months now. But wants to be known as a woman, not a girl (child was born a boy), so we are not sure if this is driven by general unhappiness with this stage of life. We are also working through other diagnoses like anxiety, ASD. Any advice?

I would not jump to conclusions about anxiety or ASD unless you have other reasons to think your child might be experiencing these things.
Honestly, it almost sounds like a typical 4-year-old obsession. How some kids become obsessed with dinosaurs, construction equipment, animals, certain characters, careers, any number of things kids latch onto and make central to their lives.
What do you tell your son?
What is his understanding of what girls and women are? What men and boys are? Do you think he grasps the difference between sex and gender?