Former colleague messaged me on the ‘gram

[Anonymous]

So I used to consult with number of big companies and worked with the junior executives who were being groomed for the top spots. I generally speaking keep in touch with them 5-6 years later but in a very professional way. When I was working that job, there was one junior exec about 5 years older than me who was delightful, we hit it off in a work friendly way, as he had kids almost exactly the same time as me (ie his wife was pregnant at the same time as me). I also used to rely on him for different things, and it was all fine. He was a handsome tall drink of water but so is my husband so it was not a big deal to me, plus I work with so many executives I do my best to keep a distance. Plus, we always kept it professional so I didn’t worry about it. Plus he was SO nice to everyone, a true reputation of a highly intelligent but warm gentleman.

Anyways, after I left a job I was doing consulting and met him for breakfast on a business trip as he was now CEO of his company and at the breakfast he told me he and his wife were splitting up. And there was a spark at the breakfast, I don’t know how to describe- he just was looking deep into my eyes or something. I left and took a deep breath in the Uber to my next appt and tried to think nothing of it etc. Mind you I am a very conservative person regarding my personal life, so I just brushed it off and moved on. I would be lying if I didn’t say the picture of his eyes in my mind didn’t make my stomach flutter but again, I’m a working mom with a good life and don’t need to mess with that, so the thought just faded away but there was always a little crush that I definitely am NOT going to pursue.

Well- three years later and I post something on Instagram with a video of me, and he messages me that I am freaking gorgeous, that he always had the BIGGEST crush on me, and he was drinking wine and single and probably shouldn’t say anything. I did my best to defuse the situation by saying, thanks for the compliment and say, thank you, it’s not a big deal, and don’t drink any more wine. Left it at that and said bye.

Here’s the thing, I am now questioning so much. Did I do something to make it seem like I wanted this behavior? Was the way I dress too much? Am I giving off a vibe I shouldn’t? Am I more attractive than I think three kids later? I feel like I am not that great looking after kids, but maybe the standard has changed Plus my ego is HIGHLY pleased to be called all these wonderful things by a handsome ceo, but that is dumb. I am having trouble concentrating, and now I’m not consulting and I have a new job where I go meet the c suite and their team next week, and need to be on point but I’m second guessing myself.

Anyone experience something like this and how long did it take for the feeling of emotional tumult to go away? This is obviously a stupid thing to happen, and I’m irritated I can’t ignore it and keep thinking about it because it makes me feel good (again ego) like I still “got it”, but also bad because it feels wrong for my marriage. Again, I am wracking my brain to see if I did anything wrong.

Also how can I avoid this situation again with another male executive?

[Anonymous]

It's not you who needs to change in this situation. Men need to clean up their acts.

[Anonymous]

I don't see that you did anything wrong please don't blame yourself.

What you could have done differently is made it clear to him that you didn't find it appropriate for him to be hitting on you as a colleague and as a married woman. Sometimes you have to let a guy know his behavior is inappropriate.

I also would have blocked him or not allowed him to follow me after the breakfast incident.

[Anonymous]

why did you abbreviate Instagram with ‘gram?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like this guy is just a creep who’s attractive and savvy enough to pick up on your pearl-grabbing conservative vibe and get under your skin with a compliment. Not too much you can do to prevent (or predict) this behavior from others just be prepared to shut them down when they try it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I don't see that you did anything wrong please don't blame yourself.

What you could have done differently is made it clear to him that you didn't find it appropriate for him to be hitting on you as a colleague and as a married woman. Sometimes you have to let a guy know his behavior is inappropriate.

I also would have blocked him or not allowed him to follow me after the breakfast incident.

All of this.

[Anonymous]

This is a nothingburger. Why are you sabotaging yourself over this? You had a moment with a handsome single guy. He send a message, you politely turned him down. It’s over, why are you still dwelling on it?

[Anonymous]

This sounds like an elaborate fantasy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a nothingburger. Why are you sabotaging yourself over this? You had a moment with a handsome single guy. He send a message, you politely turned him down. It’s over, why are you still dwelling on it?

The kind of women who start sentences with "So," or "Well," are prone to this level of drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:why did you abbreviate Instagram with ‘gram?

Instagram of Insta, never ever heard it called ‘gram. GTFU.

[Anonymous]

You obviously are into this guy to write such a lengthy detailed post about this.

Acknowledge that, and decide if you want to blow up your marriage or ignore him. And if the later, just ignore him from here on out.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you’re upset that he rocked your world a little. He is doing his thing, how you react to that is your responsibility. Just take this for what it is — he attempted flirting, you weren’t into it, done. Next.

[Anonymous]

Was he an Executive, though?

[Anonymous]

Also the whole ego thing or is it me, am I attractive, should I wear a burka… don’t sweat it. You’re probably great but not that great like everyone else. This means whatever you want it to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I used to consult with number of big companies and worked with the junior executives who were being groomed for the top spots. I generally speaking keep in touch with them 5-6 years later but in a very professional way. When I was working that job, there was one junior exec about 5 years older than me who was delightful, we hit it off in a work friendly way, as he had kids almost exactly the same time as me (ie his wife was pregnant at the same time as me). I also used to rely on him for different things, and it was all fine. He was a handsome tall drink of water but so is my husband so it was not a big deal to me, plus I work with so many executives I do my best to keep a distance. Plus, we always kept it professional so I didn’t worry about it. Plus he was SO nice to everyone, a true reputation of a highly intelligent but warm gentleman.

Anyways, after I left a job I was doing consulting and met him for breakfast on a business trip as he was now CEO of his company and at the breakfast he told me he and his wife were splitting up. And there was a spark at the breakfast, I don’t know how to describe- he just was looking deep into my eyes or something. I left and took a deep breath in the Uber to my next appt and tried to think nothing of it etc. Mind you I am a very conservative person regarding my personal life, so I just brushed it off and moved on. I would be lying if I didn’t say the picture of his eyes in my mind didn’t make my stomach flutter but again, I’m a working mom with a good life and don’t need to mess with that, so the thought just faded away but there was always a little crush that I definitely am NOT going to pursue.

Well- three years later and I post something on Instagram with a video of me, and he messages me that I am freaking gorgeous, that he always had the BIGGEST crush on me, and he was drinking wine and single and probably shouldn’t say anything. I did my best to defuse the situation by saying, thanks for the compliment and say, thank you, it’s not a big deal, and don’t drink any more wine. Left it at that and said bye.

Here’s the thing, I am now questioning so much. Did I do something to make it seem like I wanted this behavior? Was the way I dress too much? Am I giving off a vibe I shouldn’t? Am I more attractive than I think three kids later? I feel like I am not that great looking after kids, but maybe the standard has changed Plus my ego is HIGHLY pleased to be called all these wonderful things by a handsome ceo, but that is dumb. I am having trouble concentrating, and now I’m not consulting and I have a new job where I go meet the c suite and their team next week, and need to be on point but I’m second guessing myself.

Anyone experience something like this and how long did it take for the feeling of emotional tumult to go away? This is obviously a stupid thing to happen, and I’m irritated I can’t ignore it and keep thinking about it because it makes me feel good (again ego) like I still “got it”, but also bad because it feels wrong for my marriage. Again, I am wracking my brain to see if I did anything wrong.

Also how can I avoid this situation again with another male executive?

This feels like the core of the issue for you. There are no easy answers here, unfortunately. Attraction outside of marriage sometimes happens and isn’t in your control no matter how you dress or how conservative you think you are. There are a couple ways to handle it mentally. One is try to compartmentalize. If you want to go there in your head, tell yourself this is a fantasy and I will enjoy it like I enjoy a movie. Try and be present with the rest of your life as much as possible. The other way is to explore more deeply, what are the roots of this fantasy that are so exciting to me. Why do I want this. That might lead you to answers about how to live differently and be more accepting of different parts of yourself. For example, there’s a part of you that enjoys being attractive to men you desire. Yet you judge yourself for that and seem to have some very harsh beliefs about what that means about you as a woman. Is that true? Is it necessary? Are there healthy and acceptable ways to get it out of your system?