Former colleague messaged me on the ‘gram

[Anonymous]

I’ve been in the same situation where you suddenly get caught off guard by having a real attraction to someone at work. For me, I’ve been married so long and those feelings of being initially smitten by someone are so far in the past I had forgotten what they felt like. It’s a really seductive thing to get that ego boost. It sounds like you diffused his flirty behavior and didn’t give him any reason to make him think you were open to reciprocating. My “crush” lasted a few months and then it faded. My case is a little different than yours - I’m a male and my coworker a female and she didn’t say anything close to being flirty. She was just a charming, well-spoken attractive woman.

[Anonymous]

Not reading all that but sorry it happened to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a nothingburger. Why are you sabotaging yourself over this? You had a moment with a handsome single guy. He send a message, you politely turned him down. It’s over, why are you still dwelling on it?

The kind of women who start sentences with "So," or "Well," are prone to this level of drama.

LOL! So true!

[Anonymous]

OP here, I woke up and it seems to have passed. Aside from the trolls, a couple of great responses on here. Thank you to the thoughtful posters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not you who needs to change in this situation. Men need to clean up their acts.

Thank you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been in the same situation where you suddenly get caught off guard by having a real attraction to someone at work. For me, I’ve been married so long and those feelings of being initially smitten by someone are so far in the past I had forgotten what they felt like. It’s a really seductive thing to get that ego boost. It sounds like you diffused his flirty behavior and didn’t give him any reason to make him think you were open to reciprocating. My “crush” lasted a few months and then it faded. My case is a little different than yours - I’m a male and my coworker a female and she didn’t say anything close to being flirty. She was just a charming, well-spoken attractive woman.

Helpful, thanks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I used to consult with number of big companies and worked with the junior executives who were being groomed for the top spots. I generally speaking keep in touch with them 5-6 years later but in a very professional way. When I was working that job, there was one junior exec about 5 years older than me who was delightful, we hit it off in a work friendly way, as he had kids almost exactly the same time as me (ie his wife was pregnant at the same time as me). I also used to rely on him for different things, and it was all fine. He was a handsome tall drink of water but so is my husband so it was not a big deal to me, plus I work with so many executives I do my best to keep a distance. Plus, we always kept it professional so I didn’t worry about it. Plus he was SO nice to everyone, a true reputation of a highly intelligent but warm gentleman.

Anyways, after I left a job I was doing consulting and met him for breakfast on a business trip as he was now CEO of his company and at the breakfast he told me he and his wife were splitting up. And there was a spark at the breakfast, I don’t know how to describe- he just was looking deep into my eyes or something. I left and took a deep breath in the Uber to my next appt and tried to think nothing of it etc. Mind you I am a very conservative person regarding my personal life, so I just brushed it off and moved on. I would be lying if I didn’t say the picture of his eyes in my mind didn’t make my stomach flutter but again, I’m a working mom with a good life and don’t need to mess with that, so the thought just faded away but there was always a little crush that I definitely am NOT going to pursue.

Well- three years later and I post something on Instagram with a video of me, and he messages me that I am freaking gorgeous, that he always had the BIGGEST crush on me, and he was drinking wine and single and probably shouldn’t say anything. I did my best to defuse the situation by saying, thanks for the compliment and say, thank you, it’s not a big deal, and don’t drink any more wine. Left it at that and said bye.

Here’s the thing, I am now questioning so much. Did I do something to make it seem like I wanted this behavior? Was the way I dress too much? Am I giving off a vibe I shouldn’t? Am I more attractive than I think three kids later? I feel like I am not that great looking after kids, but maybe the standard has changed Plus my ego is HIGHLY pleased to be called all these wonderful things by a handsome ceo, but that is dumb. I am having trouble concentrating, and now I’m not consulting and I have a new job where I go meet the c suite and their team next week, and need to be on point but I’m second guessing myself.

Anyone experience something like this and how long did it take for the feeling of emotional tumult to go away? This is obviously a stupid thing to happen, and I’m irritated I can’t ignore it and keep thinking about it because it makes me feel good (again ego) like I still “got it”, but also bad because it feels wrong for my marriage. Again, I am wracking my brain to see if I did anything wrong.

Also how can I avoid this situation again with another male executive?

This feels like the core of the issue for you. There are no easy answers here, unfortunately. Attraction outside of marriage sometimes happens and isn’t in your control no matter how you dress or how conservative you think you are. There are a couple ways to handle it mentally. One is try to compartmentalize. If you want to go there in your head, tell yourself this is a fantasy and I will enjoy it like I enjoy a movie. Try and be present with the rest of your life as much as possible. The other way is to explore more deeply, what are the roots of this fantasy that are so exciting to me. Why do I want this. That might lead you to answers about how to live differently and be more accepting of different parts of yourself. For example, there’s a part of you that enjoys being attractive to men you desire. Yet you judge yourself for that and seem to have some very harsh beliefs about what that means about you as a woman. Is that true? Is it necessary? Are there healthy and acceptable ways to get it out of your system?

OP here- you hit the nail on the head. Now that the feelings have passed, it’s making me think I’m missing something from my life and need to address it. And that is adventure, feeling wanted and beautiful. My family is extremely down to earth, so is my husbands, but that’s the downside, you don’t feel like needing or wanting some of that zing in your life is a good value. That’s a bit too extreme. Think after two years of covid (I had a covid baby last year early in the pandemic) I really miss excitement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a nothingburger. Why are you sabotaging yourself over this? You had a moment with a handsome single guy. He send a message, you politely turned him down. It’s over, why are you still dwelling on it?

The kind of women who start sentences with "So," or "Well," are prone to this level of drama.

LOL! So true!

An super thirsty for attention. Who posts videos of themselves on Instagram?

[Anonymous]

OP, he thinks that you will be willing and open to have a NSA ONS with him.

He knows you are married and just had a kid, BUT, he also think you are MBA (Married But Available).

The question is - why would he think that your morals are loose and you will be willing to have an extra-marital affair? And no, you are not hot.

I would not be flattered. A man whose own wife divorced his a$$ is not a catch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was he an Executive, though?

Lol

And another follow-up, do you ever work with other Executives?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a nothingburger. Why are you sabotaging yourself over this? You had a moment with a handsome single guy. He send a message, you politely turned him down. It’s over, why are you still dwelling on it?

The kind of women who start sentences with "So," or "Well," are prone to this level of drama.

LOL! So true!

An super thirsty for attention. Who posts videos of themselves on Instagram?

Literally, like a billion people

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:why did you abbreviate Instagram with ‘gram?

+1 smdh

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a nothingburger. Why are you sabotaging yourself over this? You had a moment with a handsome single guy. He send a message, you politely turned him down. It’s over, why are you still dwelling on it?

The kind of women who start sentences with "So," or "Well," are prone to this level of drama.

LOL! So true!

+1 She wants us to tell her she must be super attractive.

OP, a drunk man who is divorcing his wife (did he tell you why?) thinks you would be easy to get into bed for some no strings fun. That's all it is. After multiple kids, I doubt you are a vision of loveliness, but perhaps you exude an air of desperation in real life, similar to the tone of your post?

[Anonymous]

Why do you call it "the 'gram"? This makes you sound like an old person trying to sound cool. This is not a desirable vibe.

[Anonymous]

Just enjoy the compliment (albeit kind of inappropriate and drunken). There is nothing like being informed by a hot, successful man that he finds you attractive especially when you may not be feeling your best. You certainly do got it!

The same thing happened to me, and whenever I see him around, I do feel rather attractive and powerful. It helps that I am very happy with DH and wouldn't pursue anything because then it's just flattering and not awkward.