My dad asked me to call him nightly

[Anonymous]

He lost my mom earlier this year. I call or kids facetime maybe four-five times a week. Or else have him over. Today he said we really need to call more, preferably between 8-9, when he fees loneliest. That is my wind down and kid bedtime. I said of course but now feel guilty and pressured.

[Anonymous]

Edited to add, he wants us to call each eve at 8.

[Anonymous]

One of the things people who are recently widowed or otherwise left alone worry about is something happening to them and no one even knowing it happened because no one is there, no one is checking in.

If it were me I’d humor him until he feels more comfortable.

[Anonymous]

Does he have friends or relatives you could encourage to call then? It might also help to feel he's still part of a community.

[Anonymous]

Can you incorporate the call into maybe a facetime bedtime story for the kids? Incentive to be ready for bed on time so Grandfather can read a story.

[Anonymous]

Do you have siblings? Maybe you can set up a schedule where each sibling is responsible for certain nights so no one has to do it every night. And maybe because it's so frequent, you can keep it short -- just a check-in and good night.

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel for you. When my mom got like this, My 3 siblings and I took turns. Is there any9ne else?
I would also gently push back.
“Dad, I understand you feel lonely at night. But that is my family bed time, getting the kids ready for bed, brushing teeth, baths and bedtime stories. I’m sure you can understand how important it is to stick to our nightly routine. How about x time every other day?”

[Anonymous]

It's still early In his grieving process. Do it. You would want the same from him, if things were reversed. He will change with time. Give him a year or so. Friends and relatives drop fast after a funeral.

[Anonymous]

Does he text? Maybe a mix of calls and texts would help him feel less alone, and maybe you wouldn’t have to phone every day.

My 85 year old Dad was able to text.

[Anonymous]

I would try to share the nightly calls with someone else he likes. Another relative, a friend? Create a schedule and send automatic reminders on people's phones so they don't forget.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He lost my mom earlier this year. I call or kids facetime maybe four-five times a week. Or else have him over. Today he said we really need to call more, preferably between 8-9, when he fees loneliest. That is my wind down and kid bedtime. I said of course but now feel guilty and pressured.

I'd approach this two ways - 1) I'd call him. If my widowed dad specifically told me he felt lonely and a nightly call would help, I'd do it. Make it 10 minutes; and 2) do you have relatives or friends of his that you could enlist in a phone tree so it doesn't all fall on you?

Over time it will be natural to pull back, but right now it sounds like he he needs some support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's still early In his grieving process. Do it. You would want the same from him, if things were reversed. He will change with time. Give him a year or so. Friends and relatives drop fast after a funeral.

x100000

[Anonymous]

Good for him for asking for what he needs. I'd mentally commit to doing the calls through the summer, and then after Labor Day, get him watching a show you're watching so he has to get off the phone to watch the show at 8pm, and then the two of you can talk about it the next day.

[Anonymous]

I think he needs it and you'd feel terrible if you didn't do it, ultimately.

My mother lost my father in 2017 and she was TEXTING me constantly thereafter, even though she was 5 hours ahead in Europe. She'd text me "goodnight" every evening. Then something would occur to her and she'd start texting and emailing again. It was constant communication for the next 3 years until she died.

It drove me insane.

If she'd asked for a single call once per day that would have been preferable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's still early In his grieving process. Do it. You would want the same from him, if things were reversed. He will change with time. Give him a year or so. Friends and relatives drop fast after a funeral.

x100000

+1. For a few weeks after a funeral, you’re the center of attention for friends and family, and then you aren’t. You’re just alone when you haven’t been alone for decades