Can you ever get over your DH saying he comes first to himself even before your only child?

[Anonymous]

Is that something you can forgive and/or forget?
We have other issues , and he said he said it out of anger to hurt me, but is that something you can erase from your memory?

[Anonymous]

Well actions/behaviors speak louder than words.

But doing both would really be the worst.

[Anonymous]

I can see why you have other issues, this is a stupid argument and a stupid thing to be upset over. You both need to grow the hell up!

[Anonymous]

Lashing out and saying hurtful things absolutely damages a marital relationship.

Backwards priorities does as well.

[Anonymous]

Asking stupid questions in the middle of an argument is also damaging and immature. Again I say they both need to grow up. I feel sorry for their child.

[Anonymous]

What does that even mean? It’s too abstract an idea to take seriously. This is not something to dwell on.

[Anonymous]

My DH would never SAY that. And mostly his actions support that he does value the children. But when the kids were little he'd make himself lunch and not bother asking the kids if they wanted anything. He did this over and over again, and I can't understand it. Even now that the kids are big enough to get their own lunches he'll get up to make something and not ask anybody else if they want something. We accidentally got pregnant and I ended up having an abortion b/c he couldn't imagine having another child and it stressed him out. I have forgiven him. I'm at peace with it. I'm not seething over with rage. But when I think about how selfish he was I just can't reconcile his normal giving self with that. But I'll never look at him the same way.

[Anonymous]

DP.

Why did you raise your voice to your husband, OP? This is never acceptable. You sound very immature.

[Anonymous]

That depends an a awful lot on what he means, and the context.

For example, if it came up during an argument about how he feels he never gets to take time for himself, or about how much he works, or that he really didn't want to go to the tenth kids birthday party that month- I can excuse it. I have often felt like I need to stick up for myself- not in a way that damages my kid, but in a way that helps me create space for myself and feel some personhood.

In any event, that comment alone would not be unforgivable to me. It would indicate to me that I needed to have more conversations and evaluate how things were going in my family.

[Anonymous]

Gotta put on your oxygen mask before helping others. I assume you were nagging?

[Anonymous]

After a tumultuous year, I have learned that I DO need to put myself first. Even before my two kids. Before my spouse. So I’m not faulting your DH for saying or feeling this. But if is weaponizing his words, that’s another story.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately I think a lot of men feel this way. Most of the men with kids I’ve dated have said something similar, and not even out of anger. I broke up with my last bf because he said he’ll always come before his kids, and I saw the damage that mentality did.

[Anonymous]

I am a woman and I might say that depending on the scenario. It doesn’t make me a bad mom that I take time for myself, etc. Like if I decided to miss a kid’s ballgame to go get a massage, I might say “I come first on Friday.” I would mostly be joking, but the underlying sentiment of “I’m doing something for myself this time” would be real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is that something you can forgive and/or forget?
We have other issues , and he said he said it out of anger to hurt me, but is that something you can erase from your memory?

What's the problem? That's the American way. "Me" first!!

[Anonymous]

Get love it. Patenting is hard. Marriage is hard.