Can you ever get over your DH saying he comes first to himself even before your only child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gotta put on your oxygen mask before helping others. I assume you were nagging?

Yep. I'm female and I come first too. I also put our marriage first before kids too. Seems like there's a reason you only have one kid and still can't get it together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH would never SAY that. And mostly his actions support that he does value the children. But when the kids were little he'd make himself lunch and not bother asking the kids if they wanted anything. He did this over and over again, and I can't understand it. Even now that the kids are big enough to get their own lunches he'll get up to make something and not ask anybody else if they want something. We accidentally got pregnant and I ended up having an abortion b/c he couldn't imagine having another child and it stressed him out. I have forgiven him. I'm at peace with it. I'm not seething over with rage. But when I think about how selfish he was I just can't reconcile his normal giving self with that. But I'll never look at him the same way.

I’m sorry you went through that.

[Anonymous]

I'll say again, most men should not have children. They cannot handle giving up their selfishness, even for their kids.

[Anonymous]

I think you can. Remember that in the heat of the moment people say things they don’t mean, especially when they are trying to hurt somebody. Also, people change. DH said something kind of awful to me about ten years ago (not mean, just very, very insensitive) and I was hung up in it for a long time. Then I asked him about the topic without bringing up what he said, and his thoughts on the matter were completely different. I’m sure he would have zero recollection of saying what he said.

So yeah, it might take a long time, but you can get past it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Asking stupid questions in the middle of an argument is also damaging and immature. Again I say they both need to grow up. I feel sorry for their child.

I must have missed it, did OP ask a question to the SO and what happened?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately I think a lot of men feel this way. Most of the men with kids I’ve dated have said something similar, and not even out of anger. I broke up with my last bf because he said he’ll always come before his kids, and I saw the damage that mentality did.

+1

I couldn’t believe how he’d totally ignore his kids in the room and just spend hours reading his phone. All the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH would never SAY that. And mostly his actions support that he does value the children. But when the kids were little he'd make himself lunch and not bother asking the kids if they wanted anything. He did this over and over again, and I can't understand it. Even now that the kids are big enough to get their own lunches he'll get up to make something and not ask anybody else if they want something. We accidentally got pregnant and I ended up having an abortion b/c he couldn't imagine having another child and it stressed him out. I have forgiven him. I'm at peace with it. I'm not seething over with rage. But when I think about how selfish he was I just can't reconcile his normal giving self with that. But I'll never look at him the same way.

Same.

Once you see the neglect pattern you cannot un-see it.

I didn’t make peace with it because I fundamentally view it as unacceptable. But I am too busy with the kids, house, work and family to do any Bs radical acceptance. He’s selfish all the time and someday we will go our separate ways; he won’t care. I just don’t want him to further F up the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is that something you can forgive and/or forget?
We have other issues , and he said he said it out of anger to hurt me, but is that something you can erase from your memory?

You buried the lede. The problem isn't that he *puts himself first, the problem is he intended to hurt you and succeeded.


*We are born alone and we will die alone. We live our lives and, hopefully, we enjoy great experiences and give and receive love. But, when it comes down to it, no one will give a f#ck about you as much as you yourself. No one gives a rip about your inner world...your feelings and desires are yours alone. Your dh may struggle with depression, anxiety or general existential crises. Is he highly intelligent? I know of what I write. I became much more content, caring and involved in others' lives when I accepted the aforementioned reality that I truly am on my own in life, so I better look out for myself first. A happy offshoot to that is that I'm more caring and attentive to my family and friends because I don't want them to feel my angst. That being said, I put myself first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gotta put on your oxygen mask before helping others. I assume you were nagging?

Yep. I'm female and I come first too. I also put our marriage first before kids too. Seems like there's a reason you only have one kid and still can't get it together.

+1

[Anonymous]

On our honeymoon, DH told me that he was not responsible for my happiness. Sage words and absolutely rotten timing. I have been happily married for 30+ years and he is an amazing dad, DH and human being.

OP, if he is a great dad to your child then what he is saying or feeling in a moment of anger to you is really immaterial. You are borrowing unnecessary trouble.

[Anonymous]

I mean, saying it wouldn’t uniquely bother me but acting like he’s the center of the universe and catering only to himself would get old real quick. Only women are taught it is a crime to put our needs before our children’s, and it is incredibly sexist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does that even mean? It’s too abstract an idea to take seriously. This is not something to dwell on.

+1. It seems like a weird thing to say that just came out in the heat of an argument. I mean, literally speaking, it's probably true of almost everyone ("I matter more to me than anyone else"), but I too am not even sure how much to dwell on the abstraction of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately I think a lot of men feel this way. Most of the men with kids I’ve dated have said something similar, and not even out of anger. I broke up with my last bf because he said he’ll always come before his kids, and I saw the damage that mentality did.

+1

I couldn’t believe how he’d totally ignore his kids in the room and just spend hours reading his phone. All the time.

My husband is like that. I can be managing the kids and cleaning up or cooking or getting them ready and he's just ignoring us. It's like it doesn't occur to him that he should participate. The only way it got better was me scheduling a lot more time for myself outside of the house. He will take them out to the park, or I'll come home and they'll be doing something together at least some of the time. And when it is both of us at home, I either write off his participation or explicitly ask for what I need.

To OP: my husband has said much worse things to me and I haven't gotten over it, but I do live with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can see why you have other issues, this is a stupid argument and a stupid thing to be upset over. You both need to grow the hell up!

Seriously, this is one of the dumbest things I've heard of when it comes to finding slights. He made a statement in anger and you can never ever ever ever forget it so you have to divorce?? And, the statement isn't that bad. Ever heard of putting your own oxygen mask on first? If you ever have a problem with your child, you will learn just how important self care and prioritization of self is hugely important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can see why you have other issues, this is a stupid argument and a stupid thing to be upset over. You both need to grow the hell up!

Seriously, this is one of the dumbest things I've heard of when it comes to finding slights. He made a statement in anger and you can never ever ever ever forget it so you have to divorce?? And, the statement isn't that bad. Ever heard of putting your own oxygen mask on first? If you ever have a problem with your child, you will learn just how important self care and prioritization of self is hugely important.

Wise words. Op, get yourself together. You must have a lot of time on your hands if you can ruminate on some dumb thing dh said. If women obsessed like that over every stupid thing a man said, we'd have no free time to think about our own concerns.