Why are my kids so mean to each other?

[Anonymous]

I have 3 kids and individually they are pretty awesome kids. However, they are so damn mean to one another. They are selfish. They love when sibling gets in trouble or lose in sports or games. I just don’t get it. They are horrible sharers and fight constantly all day everyday unless they are on a screen.

If they are alone or with others, each kid behaves well. They love their friends and are pretty thoughtful and considerate to others. Only to one another are they awful.

What am I doing wrong?!!!

[Anonymous]

You haven't read Siblings Without Rivalry yet, have you?

[Anonymous]

Do you know anything about animals? Are you aware that we are just hairless apes?

[Anonymous]

Your description is very general. Hard to guess.

[Anonymous]

Make everything into a cooperation. There's only one screen, either share or don't use it. There are three of you, either you are all in trouble or you're handling it between the three of you.

[Anonymous]

We go on vacation a lot without screens which forces them to get along and interact. Camping or going somewhere like vista rica and staying at places with no screens.

[Anonymous]

I have some of that with my kids. Not as bad but there is excessive competition among them that just seems to be a part of their personalities. They are all very ambitious and competitive but more likely to hide that in the world than at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you know anything about animals? Are you aware that we are just hairless apes?

LOL. You are.... not wrong.

[Anonymous]

Jealous, parenting, personality...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We go on vacation a lot without screens which forces them to get along and interact. Camping or going somewhere like vista rica and staying at places with no screens.

It doesn't force them to interact. You could put my sibling in a room with nothing and we'd still not interact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make everything into a cooperation. There's only one screen, either share or don't use it. There are three of you, either you are all in trouble or you're handling it between the three of you.

This approach could very easily backfire and make the situation much, much worse. It really depends on what the actual dynamics are.

If they are competing and mean with each other, but not with classmates or friends, that would indicate that this is a family specific issue. A few questions to ask:

- What is each kid's family identity? Do you think of your kids as "the oldest", the "youngest", and the "middle kid". Even if you use other terms, do you let their birth order influence how you treat them? Does the oldest always wind up helping you more or being in charge of the other two? Does the youngest get picked on, or conversely, let off the hook a lot? Does the middle child get overlooked?

- Does each kid have opportunities to shine within the family? Moments when they get to excel at something and be the recipient of appreciation or accolades? Maybe the family goes to one kid's music recital and then they get to pick the restaurant afterwards. Or the kid who has been interested in cooking makes dinner for the family one night and everyone eats it and is appreciative.

Kids need to feel like individuals and they need to feel individually valued. Focusing on them as a group all the time can make them feel insecure and cause more fighting and rivalry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You haven't read Siblings Without Rivalry yet, have you?

+1. And Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings. I was very concerned about sibling rivalry. I read both of these books when pregnant with DD2. My daughters get along great and I am certain that these books had a huge impact on how their relationship developed. Never too late OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You haven't read Siblings Without Rivalry yet, have you?

Condescending way to frame your response

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make everything into a cooperation. There's only one screen, either share or don't use it. There are three of you, either you are all in trouble or you're handling it between the three of you.

What brings kids together is a common enemy.

Be arbitrarily mean to all of them equally and they will unite against you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make everything into a cooperation. There's only one screen, either share or don't use it. There are three of you, either you are all in trouble or you're handling it between the three of you.

What brings kids together is a common enemy.

Be arbitrarily mean to all of them equally and they will unite against you.

Seriously. My friend did this with two rabbits that wouldn't bond. She kept then out all night on a cold porch and randomly squirted them with water from a water pistol so they got cold and wet and huddled with each other for warmth,

As I was listening to her tell me about this technique I realized why my parents dragged all four of us kids out camping, in the Adirondack mountains in fall, in the rain. We had one tent for the kids too. And it leaked!