Why are my kids so mean to each other?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also have 3 kids, but the youngest is 2.5 and too young to fight/compete with the other 2. My older two fight sometimes, but definitely get along more and are in each other’s corners (ALWAYS). I don’t know if it will change since they are still young (6 and 8), but the only thing I can think of is that I punish both when they fight. I don’t care who is right and who is wrong. Occasionally, (if one hurts the other for example) I will ask the “aggressor” to apologize to the “victims”… but usually they are both somewhat guilty.

My kids also really like to play together… maybe because we don’t do too many play dates?
Maybe it will all change in a few years, but so far, my kids are definitely each other’s rocks

Anecdotally when talking to people who are close with their siblings the most common thing I've heard (from parents who were successful at raising close siblings) is that the parents made the kids work it out amongst themselves and didn't get involved. Removes the parent are referee.

Anextodatlly when talking to people who don't get along with their siblings the most common thing I've heard from the kids ( now adults0 is that their parents didn't intervene when they should have, or half-assed it they was alot of these posters are suggesting group punishments.

This was my parents. They let us abuse each other and our relationships haven't recovered.

I set very firm rules with my kids that they need to treat each other with kindness, even if they don't like something their sibling did. Disagreements need to be handled respectfully. I won't necessarily step in and solve things. But I also don't let them Lord of the Flies it like my parents. There are ground rules. No hitting. No name calling. No taking advantage of each other. Etc. So far my kids are really close.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also have 3 kids, but the youngest is 2.5 and too young to fight/compete with the other 2. My older two fight sometimes, but definitely get along more and are in each other’s corners (ALWAYS). I don’t know if it will change since they are still young (6 and 8), but the only thing I can think of is that I punish both when they fight. I don’t care who is right and who is wrong. Occasionally, (if one hurts the other for example) I will ask the “aggressor” to apologize to the “victims”… but usually they are both somewhat guilty.

My kids also really like to play together… maybe because we don’t do too many play dates?
Maybe it will all change in a few years, but so far, my kids are definitely each other’s rocks

Anecdotally when talking to people who are close with their siblings the most common thing I've heard (from parents who were successful at raising close siblings) is that the parents made the kids work it out amongst themselves and didn't get involved. Removes the parent are referee.

Anextodatlly when talking to people who don't get along with their siblings the most common thing I've heard from the kids ( now adults0 is that their parents didn't intervene when they should have, or half-assed it they was alot of these posters are suggesting group punishments.

This was my parents. They let us abuse each other and our relationships haven't recovered.

I set very firm rules with my kids that they need to treat each other with kindness, even if they don't like something their sibling did. Disagreements need to be handled respectfully. I won't necessarily step in and solve things. But I also don't let them Lord of the Flies it like my parents. There are ground rules. No hitting. No name calling. No taking advantage of each other. Etc. So far my kids are really close.

This is what I mean by insisting on respect instead of being best friends. It's great if siblings are best friends or close , but that often isn't reality. This model is also a good lesson for dealing with life and people outside the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also have 3 kids, but the youngest is 2.5 and too young to fight/compete with the other 2. My older two fight sometimes, but definitely get along more and are in each other’s corners (ALWAYS). I don’t know if it will change since they are still young (6 and 8), but the only thing I can think of is that I punish both when they fight. I don’t care who is right and who is wrong. Occasionally, (if one hurts the other for example) I will ask the “aggressor” to apologize to the “victims”… but usually they are both somewhat guilty.

My kids also really like to play together… maybe because we don’t do too many play dates?
Maybe it will all change in a few years, but so far, my kids are definitely each other’s rocks

Anecdotally when talking to people who are close with their siblings the most common thing I've heard (from parents who were successful at raising close siblings) is that the parents made the kids work it out amongst themselves and didn't get involved. Removes the parent are referee.

Anextodatlly when talking to people who don't get along with their siblings the most common thing I've heard from the kids ( now adults0 is that their parents didn't intervene when they should have, or half-assed it they was alot of these posters are suggesting group punishments.

This was my parents. They let us abuse each other and our relationships haven't recovered.

I set very firm rules with my kids that they need to treat each other with kindness, even if they don't like something their sibling did. Disagreements need to be handled respectfully. I won't necessarily step in and solve things. But I also don't let them Lord of the Flies it like my parents. There are ground rules. No hitting. No name calling. No taking advantage of each other. Etc. So far my kids are really close.

This is what I mean by insisting on respect instead of being best friends. It's great if siblings are best friends or close , but that often isn't reality. This model is also a good lesson for dealing with life and people outside the family.

It’s not the rule, but usually siblings ARE close. I can’t think of anyone who is not close to their siblings (even as adults).
In my experience, siblings are very close (even if not always best friends).

But I agree with your point on setting ground rules and intervene when those are not respected

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also have 3 kids, but the youngest is 2.5 and too young to fight/compete with the other 2. My older two fight sometimes, but definitely get along more and are in each other’s corners (ALWAYS). I don’t know if it will change since they are still young (6 and 8), but the only thing I can think of is that I punish both when they fight. I don’t care who is right and who is wrong. Occasionally, (if one hurts the other for example) I will ask the “aggressor” to apologize to the “victims”… but usually they are both somewhat guilty.

My kids also really like to play together… maybe because we don’t do too many play dates?
Maybe it will all change in a few years, but so far, my kids are definitely each other’s rocks

Anecdotally when talking to people who are close with their siblings the most common thing I've heard (from parents who were successful at raising close siblings) is that the parents made the kids work it out amongst themselves and didn't get involved. Removes the parent are referee.

Anextodatlly when talking to people who don't get along with their siblings the most common thing I've heard from the kids ( now adults0 is that their parents didn't intervene when they should have, or half-assed it they was alot of these posters are suggesting group punishments.

This was my parents. They let us abuse each other and our relationships haven't recovered.

I set very firm rules with my kids that they need to treat each other with kindness, even if they don't like something their sibling did. Disagreements need to be handled respectfully. I won't necessarily step in and solve things. But I also don't let them Lord of the Flies it like my parents. There are ground rules. No hitting. No name calling. No taking advantage of each other. Etc. So far my kids are really close.

This is what I mean by insisting on respect instead of being best friends. It's great if siblings are best friends or close , but that often isn't reality. This model is also a good lesson for dealing with life and people outside the family.

It’s not the rule, but usually siblings ARE close. I can’t think of anyone who is not close to their siblings (even as adults).
In my experience, siblings are very close (even if not always best friends).

But I agree with your point on setting ground rules and intervene when those are not respected

I'm not particularly close to my siblings since adulthood. We were closer as kids. My siblings are homophobic, engage in mommy shaming, are anti-science, and misogynistic. So no we aren't close. I love them, but beyond getting together for occasional holidays and making sure our mother has cared for there's not much of a relationship. Parenting is only part of the puzzle, people choose their own paths in life as they become adults and that impacts relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why no they have to like each other? Just because you decided to have 3 kids and had visions of them as besties doesn't mean that's how it has to go.

Set ground rules and consequences for respect ie no hitting or name calling
Let them have time to themselves and things that are just theirs

Don't always force them to go to siblings events let them chill at home sometimes.

What a sad way to look at family. This is how you get kids who don't like each other. I don't understand families like this. That's like saying your kids don't have to like you or like their grandparents. I didn't have a family so we could all merely tolerate each other. Family comes first, forever, and no you don't have to be best friends but siblings love each other and support each other.

What a condescending twat you are. Guess what they don't have to like you are each other ! I love my family, but as adults my parents and my siblings have some pretty disgusting beliefs. We aren't close because of that and I don't particularly like them.

I mean I don't really blame anyone for not liking you, it's pretty obvious that would be impossible.

[Anonymous]

Seriously asking, why have children if you don't care if they like you? Why give them siblings if you don't care if they like each other? What's the point?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why no they have to like each other? Just because you decided to have 3 kids and had visions of them as besties doesn't mean that's how it has to go.

Set ground rules and consequences for respect ie no hitting or name calling
Let them have time to themselves and things that are just theirs

Don't always force them to go to siblings events let them chill at home sometimes.

What a sad way to look at family. This is how you get kids who don't like each other. I don't understand families like this. That's like saying your kids don't have to like you or like their grandparents. I didn't have a family so we could all merely tolerate each other. Family comes first, forever, and no you don't have to be best friends but siblings love each other and support each other.

They don't. My kids don't have to like Me. Your kids don't have to like you or their grandparents either or their siblings. They do have to be respectful and treat each other with respect. That's just reality.

Again, what a depressing way to view family. Why even have one?

[Anonymous]

I think one important factor in whether siblings like each other and get along is the sibling relationships modeled for them by their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why no they have to like each other? Just because you decided to have 3 kids and had visions of them as besties doesn't mean that's how it has to go.

Set ground rules and consequences for respect ie no hitting or name calling
Let them have time to themselves and things that are just theirs

Don't always force them to go to siblings events let them chill at home sometimes.

What a sad way to look at family. This is how you get kids who don't like each other. I don't understand families like this. That's like saying your kids don't have to like you or like their grandparents. I didn't have a family so we could all merely tolerate each other. Family comes first, forever, and no you don't have to be best friends but siblings love each other and support each other.

They don't. My kids don't have to like Me. Your kids don't have to like you or their grandparents either or their siblings. They do have to be respectful and treat each other with respect. That's just reality.

Again, what a depressing way to view family. Why even have one?

You have a very tiny view of the world. I marvel at how people like you get through life constantly being depressed when others don't share your beliefs. It has to be difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why no they have to like each other? Just because you decided to have 3 kids and had visions of them as besties doesn't mean that's how it has to go.

Set ground rules and consequences for respect ie no hitting or name calling
Let them have time to themselves and things that are just theirs

Don't always force them to go to siblings events let them chill at home sometimes.

What a sad way to look at family. This is how you get kids who don't like each other. I don't understand families like this. That's like saying your kids don't have to like you or like their grandparents. I didn't have a family so we could all merely tolerate each other. Family comes first, forever, and no you don't have to be best friends but siblings love each other and support each other.

What a condescending twat you are. Guess what they don't have to like you are each other ! I love my family, but as adults my parents and my siblings have some pretty disgusting beliefs. We aren't close because of that and I don't particularly like them.

I mean I don't really blame anyone for not liking you, it's pretty obvious that would be impossible.

Is this how you engage your children? If they express a view that's different than yours you meet them with sarcasm and nasty statements? How abusive of you ! More accurately, how narcissistic of you!

[Anonymous]

Hold are your kids OP?

I have 4, ranging in age from 2-11. They are pretty close, some more than others. They do fight though. Only my sometimes obnoxious tween delights in his 5 year old not getting something she wants, they have a competitive dynamic which I hope improves with age - they’re actually more similar to each other than many of the other kids, so I think that’s why they get on each other’s nerves. Everyone loves the baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why no they have to like each other? Just because you decided to have 3 kids and had visions of them as besties doesn't mean that's how it has to go.

Set ground rules and consequences for respect ie no hitting or name calling
Let them have time to themselves and things that are just theirs

Don't always force them to go to siblings events let them chill at home sometimes.

What a sad way to look at family. This is how you get kids who don't like each other. I don't understand families like this. That's like saying your kids don't have to like you or like their grandparents. I didn't have a family so we could all merely tolerate each other. Family comes first, forever, and no you don't have to be best friends but siblings love each other and support each other.

They don't. My kids don't have to like Me. Your kids don't have to like you or their grandparents either or their siblings. They do have to be respectful and treat each other with respect. That's just reality.

Again, what a depressing way to view family. Why even have one?

You have a very tiny view of the world. I marvel at how people like you get through life constantly being depressed when others don't share your beliefs. It has to be difficult.

Not PP, but people in MY family we have the same view on pretty much all that matters. I guess I am lucky, but my parents are intelligent, educated, liberal people. We sometimes have different opinions on superficial facts/events, but the fundamentals are the same.

My parents taught me to be open minded and critical of any view. There is no absolute truth and no right or wrong.
I just can’t relate to what you are saying because I could appreciate opposite views as long as they are thought through and come from intelligent people that realize themselves that their views only apply to them and that others feel differently.

Only my brother’s wife is a little different, bit we never talk about politics, homosexuality, and broader views of the world (possibly because i know she believes that she “owns the truth” and is just more closed minded in general).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why no they have to like each other? Just because you decided to have 3 kids and had visions of them as besties doesn't mean that's how it has to go.

Set ground rules and consequences for respect ie no hitting or name calling
Let them have time to themselves and things that are just theirs

Don't always force them to go to siblings events let them chill at home sometimes.

What a sad way to look at family. This is how you get kids who don't like each other. I don't understand families like this. That's like saying your kids don't have to like you or like their grandparents. I didn't have a family so we could all merely tolerate each other. Family comes first, forever, and no you don't have to be best friends but siblings love each other and support each other.

What a condescending twat you are. Guess what they don't have to like you are each other ! I love my family, but as adults my parents and my siblings have some pretty disgusting beliefs. We aren't close because of that and I don't particularly like them.

I mean I don't really blame anyone for not liking you, it's pretty obvious that would be impossible.

Is this how you engage your children? If they express a view that's different than yours you meet them with sarcasm and nasty statements? How abusive of you ! More accurately, how narcissistic of you!

You're the one who called someone a twat. Do you speak to your children like that? Trash.