Would you describe my baby as high-needs?

[Anonymous]

DD is ten-months-old. It took until 8 mo this to get her to STTN but now she sleeps well. All milestones on track or a bit early. 2nd child.

She needs constant attention and/or engagement or she screams. She seems to know if you’re looking at her or not and she call for us (ma ma ma ma) or scream. She wants to be carried everywhere although she’s a good crawler. She screams in the stroller and car seat. She will not let us put a spoon in her mouth - she has to feed herself. She will not sit through one book.

She’s breaking me!

[Anonymous]

She sounds intense, especially for a second child. Can you gradually increase your time to respond and her tolerance?

[Anonymous]

Yes! I had a kid like that. You have to re-learn strategies because the ones that work for compliant kids just won't work for yours. Like ALWAYS giving two choices (she's a bit too young too understand, but will soon). My older DD loved my high needs second baby and really helped us immensely (they were 2 years apart). I think she helped provide extra attention that the baby craved.

Also, my kids wouldn't sit for books until they were about 15-18 months old. NBD. They not sit well for 30 min of books every night and really enjoy books as the best part of their day.

[Anonymous]

My first (and only) was like that and still is in many ways. Very similar -- didn't STTN until about 9 months, wanted to be held all the time, but also wanted to be independent on stuff like feeding right from the start. It's definitely a personality thing. I had a friend and my therapist (I used to take DD to therapy appointments when she was very little) refer to her as "high needs" and I guess she probably is. I don't have a point of comparison.

One thing I've learned as she's gotten older, though, is that if I channel my efforts with her carefully, she can actually be more independent and easier than other kids her age. She's always been better at solo play than her peers, for instance, because she started her "I want to do this myself!" phase very early and I just... let her. I also introduced activities that are easy to do alone early on -- she LOVES coloring and painting and anything art-focused, because it's something she can lose herself in and doesn't need help or collaboration to do.

I would also say that as she got older, it became a lot easier to set limits with her and that just makes it easier to deal with stuff like the screaming when she wants to be held. With an 8 mo, if she screams you are probably going to pick her up every time because she's a baby. With a 2 year old? You can just say "Honey, my arms are full at the moment and you know how to walk, so you're just going to have to walk." She'll protest at times but she also has the cognition to get it, and I can reason with her and explain things and it gets easier.

We have had to work with a behavioral therapist on stuff like potty training, though. Mostly because the conventional wisdom does not work for a kid like this -- when we tried to potty train the way most people tell you to (the Oh Crap method people on DCUM raved about) our kid just about lost her mind. So just remember you have to parent the kid you have, and just because it worked for someone else's kid (or for your other kid) does NOT mean it's going to work for this one. Sounds like you are already figuring that out.

[Anonymous]

Sounds a lot like my first. The first year was very hard, but it progressively got easier. She would scream when dad held her until she was 2ish. Now at 3.5, she is much easier, but still a bit intense. She is clearly an extrovert and just craves engagement and attention, but she's also smart, sweet, hilarious, sensitive, becoming better at solo play, and finally loves her dad (she likes to tell him now, "Daddy, I did like you when I was a baby, I just didn't like you to hold me.")

[Anonymous]

Yes, and I can relate. The BEST thing we did when my dd was that age was start to teach her baby sign. She had so much she wanted to communicate and couldn’t. Once she knew some signs it helped until she could talk.

She’s currently a sensitive, somewhat anxious, very bright and creative teen.

[Anonymous]

I would not describe that has high-needs. Sounds like a normal baby. Your first must have been easy

[Anonymous]

That is not typical and sounds really, really hard. I wouldn’t be concerned about her not sitting down to read a book but you are right in being concerned about the level of attention she needs at all times. I agree with the pp who suggested increasing your time to respond to her. Have you talked to your pediatrician about any of this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, and I can relate. The BEST thing we did when my dd was that age was start to teach her baby sign. She had so much she wanted to communicate and couldn’t. Once she knew some signs it helped until she could talk.

She’s currently a sensitive, somewhat anxious, very bright and creative teen.

Which signs did you teach? We do more; all done; help. What others, if you recall?

[Anonymous]

So it sounds like the thing that is getting you is the screaming? Otherwise she sounds pretty normal. Can you teach her a different thing instead of screaming? I have my 9MO “growl” like a “baby dinosaur” and she thinks it’s HILARIOUS but it doesn’t set my eardrums on fire the way screaming used to.

The car seat is rough for mine too but I have noticed some improvement since she’s moved to the convertible away from the infant seat and has a little more viability.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, and I can relate. The BEST thing we did when my dd was that age was start to teach her baby sign. She had so much she wanted to communicate and couldn’t. Once she knew some signs it helped until she could talk.

She’s currently a sensitive, somewhat anxious, very bright and creative teen.

+1

We did “more” and “milk” and “I love you” the latter of which was baby for “hold me please”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not describe that has high-needs. Sounds like a normal baby. Your first must have been easy

This is not correct. This is not “normal baby” behavior and you are right to want to seek out information on helping your child to self soothe and communicate. Try teaching sign language, don’t hover or respond to the baby immediately when she cries, try to remain calm but firm when talking to her and talk to a pediatrician if you can.

I have 4 kids and worked with babies at a daycare center for a long time. This baby sounds particularly tough!

[Anonymous]

My second DD was absolutely exactly like this! Around ten months, I realized that she was “better behaved” with our nanny than with me. I didn’t think they understood at that age but she’s flip on the changing table with me but never with nanny; she would cry for me to hold her constantly but would crawl around and play with nanny. When I asked nanny how she did it, she just said she told DD!!! “No turning on the changing table.”, “I can’t hold you now so you’re going to have to play”.

Surprising.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, and I can relate. The BEST thing we did when my dd was that age was start to teach her baby sign. She had so much she wanted to communicate and couldn’t. Once she knew some signs it helped until she could talk.

She’s currently a sensitive, somewhat anxious, very bright and creative teen.

Which signs did you teach? We do more; all done; help. What others, if you recall?

DP here but we taught “milk” (which meant nursing), water, more, food, hurts, and then she was talking. I purposely hired a nanny who was fluent in baby sign language and got two very early talkers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My second DD was absolutely exactly like this! Around ten months, I realized that she was “better behaved” with our nanny than with me. I didn’t think they understood at that age but she’s flip on the changing table with me but never with nanny; she would cry for me to hold her constantly but would crawl around and play with nanny. When I asked nanny how she did it, she just said she told DD!!! “No turning on the changing table.”, “I can’t hold you now so you’re going to have to play”.

Surprising.

I am a PP with a similar child and I agree with this. Teaching sign language helps, but people really underestimate how much language even very young babies understand -- I think they figure a lot out by context cues like expressions and tone of voice, too. My child like this is now extremely verbal (she's 4) and unusually articulate for her age, and I think it's partly because we talked to her a lot as a baby to help her understand the world around her, because she was so sensitive and needed so much attention.