Angry about DH’s work situation

[Anonymous]

DH and I have been toying with the idea of moving out of DC for years to have more space and a more affordable lifestyle. He really pushed for it while I was opposed since I liked the ease of being downtown, especially for commuting purposes. Once Covid hit and DH’s company went fully WFH he started pushing even more and says he spoke with HR a few times and they said the company plans to be much more flexible in the future and will never return to 5 days per week in the office. Eventually I gave in and agreed to move with the understanding that DH and I would both have more flexibility (I work full time too but could always wfh 3 days per week and my hours are not as long).

Fast forward to last month when DH’a office fully reopened and guess what, there is no official WFH policy and it seems like the expectation is that most people are in the office 5 days per week. DH now has a commute that is over an hour each way (unless he leaves really early/late). He leaves at 7:30am and often doesn’t get home before 7:30pm which means I now get to work my full time job plus do nearly everything for our two kids (ages 6 and 2). I am now doing camp/day care drop offs and pick ups, preparing and feeding the kids, bath and bedtimes, and really much more completely on my own every single day. Beyond that, it truly sucks that younger one sees her dad for 30 mins in the AM and the older one gets 30 mins at night too.

I know single parents do this on their own every day (as well as many non-single parents too), but I never would have agreed to move had I know it would be like this with DH never being around. DH swore he would be working from home 2-3 days per week and able to help out with the kids and we would be so much happier in a bigger house with a nice yard. It’s unclear to me whether his company changed its mind or he misunderstood whatever HR told him but part of me feels duped. If I didn’t also have a stressful job maybe I would not be as annoyed, but even with my flexibility now everything for the kids is being dumped on me to manage vs it being more of a partnership like before, and it’s impacting my work and certainly how I am being perceived by my boss.

Would others be upset by this too? I have already tried talking to DH but he swears he thought things would be different when we moved. I told him I should quit my job then so the kids can be my full responsibility but he doesn’t want to lose out on the extra income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been toying with the idea of moving out of DC for years to have more space and a more affordable lifestyle. He really pushed for it while I was opposed since I liked the ease of being downtown, especially for commuting purposes. Once Covid hit and DH’s company went fully WFH he started pushing even more and says he spoke with HR a few times and they said the company plans to be much more flexible in the future and will never return to 5 days per week in the office. Eventually I gave in and agreed to move with the understanding that DH and I would both have more flexibility (I work full time too but could always wfh 3 days per week and my hours are not as long).

Fast forward to last month when DH’a office fully reopened and guess what, there is no official WFH policy and it seems like the expectation is that most people are in the office 5 days per week. DH now has a commute that is over an hour each way (unless he leaves really early/late). He leaves at 7:30am and often doesn’t get home before 7:30pm which means I now get to work my full time job plus do nearly everything for our two kids (ages 6 and 2). I am now doing camp/day care drop offs and pick ups, preparing and feeding the kids, bath and bedtimes, and really much more completely on my own every single day. Beyond that, it truly sucks that younger one sees her dad for 30 mins in the AM and the older one gets 30 mins at night too.

I know single parents do this on their own every day (as well as many non-single parents too), but I never would have agreed to move had I know it would be like this with DH never being around. DH swore he would be working from home 2-3 days per week and able to help out with the kids and we would be so much happier in a bigger house with a nice yard. It’s unclear to me whether his company changed its mind or he misunderstood whatever HR told him but part of me feels duped. If I didn’t also have a stressful job maybe I would not be as annoyed, but even with my flexibility now everything for the kids is being dumped on me to manage vs it being more of a partnership like before, and it’s impacting my work and certainly how I am being perceived by my boss.

Would others be upset by this too? I have already tried talking to DH but he swears he thought things would be different when we moved. I told him I should quit my job then so the kids can be my full responsibility but he doesn’t want to lose out on the extra income.

I watched people on the Jobs forum post 'we're never going back; my boss/manager/VP really wants to close the office' for the past six months. Guess what peons? Wishful thinking and you're double screwed as we all know this 'we only have to go in 2 days a week' is not written into your job contract or the HR policy.

Its dependent on the whim of the week and the company's corporate needs.

[Anonymous]

Your DH needs to find a different job with a shorter commute. The issue is not whether to be upset (though I would be too) but whether his current commute works for your family. It does not, therefore it needs to change. Same as if his office had relocated. He can find a WFH job or one closer to home.

Do not quit your job - he seems unreliable and you need your own income and mobility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DH needs to find a different job with a shorter commute. The issue is not whether to be upset (though I would be too) but whether his current commute works for your family. It does not, therefore it needs to change. Same as if his office had relocated. He can find a WFH job or one closer to home.

Do not quit your job - he seems unreliable and you need your own income and mobility.

The problem with moving to the exurbs or some dream small town in Montana - is that you are literally shackled to the company you can in with. The jobs are in cities. Which makes the commute almost guaranteed to be permanent.

[Anonymous]

I'd be upset, but part of that would be at myself for agreeing to the move without an actual policy in place at work. Lots of companies made noise about increased flexibility, etc., but it would be silly to put any stock in those until you know exactly what they mean by that, and know that it's official.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd be upset, but part of that would be at myself for agreeing to the move without an actual policy in place at work. Lots of companies made noise about increased flexibility, etc., but it would be silly to put any stock in those until you know exactly what they mean by that, and know that it's official.

This, although policies change, and as leadership changes that is a given.

Also, were you counting on same job as same location until retirement?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH needs to find a different job with a shorter commute. The issue is not whether to be upset (though I would be too) but whether his current commute works for your family. It does not, therefore it needs to change. Same as if his office had relocated. He can find a WFH job or one closer to home.

Do not quit your job - he seems unreliable and you need your own income and mobility.

The problem with moving to the exurbs or some dream small town in Montana - is that you are literally shackled to the company you can in with. The jobs are in cities. Which makes the commute almost guaranteed to be permanent.

We don't know where OP is or what her DH does for a living. They can't have gone that far since OP still commutes.

To the "I saw this coming" PP above -- the question has always been whether people will quit rather than go back to the office. Anecdotally, a lot of people are doing that. Others are still waiting to see what their employers do. There will be a period of instability as employers decide about WFT and then employees decide whether to stay.

This post is in the relationship forum because OP wants her DH to take responsibility and be with their family. That means changing jobs. Or I guess moving back to the city but I assume that's financially unwise if they sold/bought.

[Anonymous]

I would be super pissed about this situation. But I’m not sure being mad at your husband specifically is justified or helpful.

You guys now need a new plan. He gets a job that is closer, he gets permission to work from
Home or you move back.

[Anonymous]

You are one of millions around the world making the same stupid mistake.

Did you and your husband really think permanent telework would be allowed that easily?!?

Anyway. Only consolation: this happened to LOTS OF PEOPLE, who also bought properties outside of town and are now faced with grueling commutes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH needs to find a different job with a shorter commute. The issue is not whether to be upset (though I would be too) but whether his current commute works for your family. It does not, therefore it needs to change. Same as if his office had relocated. He can find a WFH job or one closer to home.

Do not quit your job - he seems unreliable and you need your own income and mobility.

The problem with moving to the exurbs or some dream small town in Montana - is that you are literally shackled to the company you can in with. The jobs are in cities. Which makes the commute almost guaranteed to be permanent.

We don't know where OP is or what her DH does for a living. They can't have gone that far since OP still commutes.

To the "I saw this coming" PP above -- the question has always been whether people will quit rather than go back to the office. Anecdotally, a lot of people are doing that. Others are still waiting to see what their employers do. There will be a period of instability as employers decide about WFT and then employees decide whether to stay.

This post is in the relationship forum because OP wants her DH to take responsibility and be with their family. That means changing jobs. Or I guess moving back to the city but I assume that's financially unwise if they sold/bought.

Anectdotally - ime the one's quitting are the ones with jobs on the lower salary band in the first place. I guarantee you that all of my friends at Goldman/Morgan S who have either been back in-office full-time for two weeks now and/or recalled (and started coming in already) have not quit.

I talked to dual-finance world couples and they made the joint decision to just go back to pre-2020 life.

[Anonymous]

Things happen. No reason to evaluate if you have "the right" to be upset.

[Anonymous]

I know many people who were told the same thing as your DH. basically a bait and switch to keep people working. Being mad at your husband and quitting your job are fruitless activities. You are an adult and need to think like one. You and your husband need to come up with a new plan that will likely involve him finding a new job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know many people who were told the same thing as your DH. basically a bait and switch to keep people working. Being mad at your husband and quitting your job are fruitless activities. You are an adult and need to think like one. You and your husband need to come up with a new plan that will likely involve him finding a new job.

This. Unless he is in the habit of misleading you, in which case you'd be just as upset at yourself for believing him when he doesn't have credibility.
At any rate, just figure out what needs to happen to fix the situation. One or both of you switch jobs? Moving again? Hiring help? Don't waste time on unproductive anger if he was duped as well.

[Anonymous]

You have deeper issues in your marriage, most likely, no?

[Anonymous]

Can you afford to get help with the kids temporarily? Hire a babysitter/housekeeper if you can and get some help with drop off/pick up, meals, etc.

Then DH needs to look for a more flexible job. There are tons of jobs in the DMV right now.