Angry about DH’s work situation

[Anonymous]

Nope, this is unacceptable. I would be livid, and I would demand change. I think you sit down, when you aren't super mad, and you outline all the responsibilities of your life, and you divide and conquer. You are not to work full-time and mother full-time. It is his responsibility to figure out how to do his fair share, and you will expect him to do that. That is the responsiblity of an adult and an equal partner. This is unsustainable, and your marriage will (is?) suffer, and he should know that too.

[Anonymous]

The far flung suburbs suck. The pricing usually reflects this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been toying with the idea of moving out of DC for years to have more space and a more affordable lifestyle. He really pushed for it while I was opposed since I liked the ease of being downtown, especially for commuting purposes. Once Covid hit and DH’s company went fully WFH he started pushing even more and says he spoke with HR a few times and they said the company plans to be much more flexible in the future and will never return to 5 days per week in the office. Eventually I gave in and agreed to move with the understanding that DH and I would both have more flexibility (I work full time too but could always wfh 3 days per week and my hours are not as long).

Fast forward to last month when DH’a office fully reopened and guess what, there is no official WFH policy and it seems like the expectation is that most people are in the office 5 days per week. DH now has a commute that is over an hour each way (unless he leaves really early/late). He leaves at 7:30am and often doesn’t get home before 7:30pm which means I now get to work my full time job plus do nearly everything for our two kids (ages 6 and 2). I am now doing camp/day care drop offs and pick ups, preparing and feeding the kids, bath and bedtimes, and really much more completely on my own every single day. Beyond that, it truly sucks that younger one sees her dad for 30 mins in the AM and the older one gets 30 mins at night too.

I know single parents do this on their own every day (as well as many non-single parents too), but I never would have agreed to move had I know it would be like this with DH never being around. DH swore he would be working from home 2-3 days per week and able to help out with the kids and we would be so much happier in a bigger house with a nice yard. It’s unclear to me whether his company changed its mind or he misunderstood whatever HR told him but part of me feels duped. If I didn’t also have a stressful job maybe I would not be as annoyed, but even with my flexibility now everything for the kids is being dumped on me to manage vs it being more of a partnership like before, and it’s impacting my work and certainly how I am being perceived by my boss.

Would others be upset by this too? I have already tried talking to DH but he swears he thought things would be different when we moved. I told him I should quit my job then so the kids can be my full responsibility but he doesn’t want to lose out on the extra income.

This is your only question? Yes, of course I'd be upset. I don't want to solo parent on the weekdays either, and want an absent husband, absent father. These are dealbreakers, unless it was truly our only options.

Practically, it does not matter if you were duped by your husband, or your husband (and you) were duped by HR's false promises. I mean, it matters because you have serious problems if he lied to you, so I guess figure out if you are in this case. Still, even if he didn't know, it doesn't change your day-to-day reality, which isn't working. You and DH need to focus on solutions:
- You scale back your hours
- He scales back his hours (10 hour days?), and/or negotiates official WFH 2-3 days week as planned. Maybe he does leave super early to avoid a long commute 2-3 days week?
- He finds a different job with WFH options, shorter commute, etc.
- Move, presumably at a poor financial cost
- Hire help for you in the evenings (personally I'd pursue this is a short term solution while you work on the above, but some people find it helpful/adequate long term)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DH needs to find a different job with a shorter commute. The issue is not whether to be upset (though I would be too) but whether his current commute works for your family. It does not, therefore it needs to change. Same as if his office had relocated. He can find a WFH job or one closer to home.

Do not quit your job - he seems unreliable and you need your own income and mobility.

This. A million times this.

[Anonymous]

He’s having an affair, he has you at home far away as planned.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'd be furious. That isn't sustainable at all. As you said, you might as well be a single mom.
There has to be a short-term plan out of that situation.
In the meantime, you need to step away from the responsibilities as much as possible when he is home, maybe you need to be gone 5-6 consecutive hours on the weekend. He needs to feel the weight of the household, not just the lonely burden of a long commute.
And on the weekdays, you need hired help. You should not be damaging your career for his, especially if his cannot pay for hired help.

[Anonymous]

Move back. You’ll take a financial hit but it’s a house not a sentence.

Have him document where he was told there would be no return to full time office work and request 2/3 days official wfh— I wonder how seriously he has actually pursued this, because most places I know going back are going back hybrid.

[Anonymous]

PP had good idea. Getting home at 730, he seems to be staying till 630.

He needs to get up earlier and leave for work at like 5pm, and thus be home by 5 or 6.

Lots of people have a 45-60 min commute, this is no where near super commuter territory. Honestly it’s more common than a 30 minute commute — only the really rich have those.

[Anonymous]

He needs to get up at like 5 am, be into work by 6, and then be home in time to split the after school parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope, this is unacceptable. I would be livid, and I would demand change. I think you sit down, when you aren't super mad, and you outline all the responsibilities of your life, and you divide and conquer. You are not to work full-time and mother full-time. It is his responsibility to figure out how to do his fair share, and you will expect him to do that. That is the responsiblity of an adult and an equal partner. This is unsustainable, and your marriage will (is?) suffer, and he should know that too.

+1. Under “not an option” is you working full time mom and full time job and taking a hit to your career doing both while he only worries about his career. I would be up front that if he doesn’t come up with an option that gets back to the division of labor pre-move then your option is to either quit your job or start a move closer to his job (despite the financial hit) so he can do his share of being a parent/running the household. I bet if he looks at the money situation, he will find that ether going in really early and leaving early or pushing for 2 days WFH or finding a new job would make more sense.

And yes, I would be livid. Not so much that HR may have misled him and he pushed for a move without being sure he would be allowed to WFH, but rather that he is okay with it - that his long commute is his sacrifice, and it’s fine for the kids to sacrifice their time with him, and for you to sacrifice your career and feel overworked doing all the parenting while working full time. It would be different if you all explicitly discussed and agreed to the trade offs, but he is dictating, by not making moves to change things, what everyone else should be willing to sacrifice for his dream of a bigger house and yard now that it’s clear you can’t have the bigger house/yard without some sacrifice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Move back. You’ll take a financial hit but it’s a house not a sentence.

Have him document where he was told there would be no return to full time office work and request 2/3 days official wfh— I wonder how seriously he has actually pursued this, because most places I know going back are going back hybrid.

This. Is he having actual conversations with his boss and HR? Sounds like he just thinks the expectation is that it’s back 5 days/ week and that he may not want to rock the boat by not “going with the flow.”

[Anonymous]

I’d be furious, OP. Sorry you’re stuck in the situation for now. My DH went back to the office full time, too, though we’ve always had a one hour commute. They are working long hours, going out for lunches, etc. I was already burned out from supervising virtual school for special needs kids and taking care of our puppy. My own full time + job is crazy. It’s a lot.

[Anonymous]

Cut your loses and move again. You should have to parent alone, it’s not going to work.

[Anonymous]

Why does he work 10 hour days? (7:30 AM - 7:30 PM minus 2 hour of commuting)

He needs to knock that s*it off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The far flung suburbs suck. The pricing usually reflects this.

Cities suck. The crime rates usually reflect this.