Angry about DH’s work situation

[Anonymous]

Can you scale down to part-time work as a compromise?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have deeper issues in your marriage, most likely, no?

Wouldn't you be angry if your husband pushed you to sell a home and move only to find out he's going to be gone 12 hours a day, 5 days a week for no reason other than his stupidity?

It's not like he got a pay bump or an extra month of vacation a year. He's got the same job, she has increased home responsibilities, and the commute for both of them is worse.

Boneheaded move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you scale down to part-time work as a compromise?

Why should she be the one to scale down to part-time? He's the one living the dream--gets to stay out all day and abdicate the child care and household responsibilities, and gains the time he needs to pursue an affair. Win for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you scale down to part-time work as a compromise?

Why should she be the one to scale down to part-time? He's the one living the dream--gets to stay out all day and abdicate the child care and household responsibilities, and gains the time he needs to pursue an affair. Win for him.

Exactly — let him go part time and step it up on the home front.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you scale down to part-time work as a compromise?

Why should she be the one to scale down to part-time? He's the one living the dream--gets to stay out all day and abdicate the child care and household responsibilities, and gains the time he needs to pursue an affair. Win for him.

I wasn't implying she should have to. It was a suggestion based on the fact that OP told her husband she should quit her job but he didn't want her to. If scaling back at work isn't the answer, then maybe getting a nanny or part-time babysitter as another poster suggested. I was only trying to offer a possible solution to OP quitting work altogether.

[Anonymous]

Hire more help until you figure out a permanent solution: moving, new job, whatever.

[Anonymous]

Assuming 1 hr commute, he works 8:30 - 6:30pm every night?

10 hr days? Is he making $$$$?

[Anonymous]

Can you give us locations a bit, we might have other ideas.

I wouldn’t be too upset. You were going to move eventually, it sounds like, and even if he had a in hand policy, that can change on a whim. Maybe if he had an employment contract, but that

[Anonymous]

Why would you move before getting an agreement to be allowed to WFH? Companies are notorious for now allowing WFH. Or for saying one thing and -gasp- changing their minds! Or for new leadership to change goals. Without something in writing this was a silly move.

That said, you might consider renegotiating YOUR end of the bargin.

[Anonymous]

I feel you OP. I’d be super upset about this. It sounds like his desire for more space and a home further out preceded the opportunity to work from home, then the now-defunct WFH plan was used to justify the move.

That cake is baked, as my mom would say. What your DH knew and when he knew it are important. But practically? You agreed to a move, not a radical change in your family responsibilities. He either scales back at work or you get a nanny, or both. Do *not* quit your job. The dynamic here doesn’t support that.

If he acknowledges the untenable nature of the current situation and works with you to find a compromise, your relationship may be able to reset. If he treats this as a fait accompli and tells you directly or indirectly suck it up, then girl, you got a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel you OP. I’d be super upset about this. It sounds like his desire for more space and a home further out preceded the opportunity to work from home, then the now-defunct WFH plan was used to justify the move.

That cake is baked, as my mom would say. What your DH knew and when he knew it are important. But practically? You agreed to a move, not a radical change in your family responsibilities. He either scales back at work or you get a nanny, or both. Do *not* quit your job. The dynamic here doesn’t support that.

If he acknowledges the untenable nature of the current situation and works with you to find a compromise, your relationship may be able to reset. If he treats this as a fait accompli and tells you directly or indirectly suck it up, then girl, you got a problem.

+1

[Anonymous]

I have already tried talking to DH but he swears he thought things would be different when we moved.

Ok but they’re not. So what’s his plan? Saddle you with your FT job and all M-F kid duties until….? What does he say practically in these conversations?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have deeper issues in your marriage, most likely, no?

Wouldn't you be angry if your husband pushed you to sell a home and move only to find out he's going to be gone 12 hours a day, 5 days a week for no reason other than his stupidity?

It's not like he got a pay bump or an extra month of vacation a year. He's got the same job, she has increased home responsibilities, and the commute for both of them is worse.

Boneheaded move.

Take some ownership for your own choices. DH didn’t force you to move; you agreed to do so based on information that was presented at the time. If you think your DH lied to you to get you to move, then yes, you should be angry and you have a massive problem in your marriage. If you both made a decision based on bad information, why is he more to blame than you? Do you really think he enjoys sitting traffic for hours a day and never seeing his kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I have already tried talking to DH but he swears he thought things would be different when we moved.

Ok but they’re not. So what’s his plan? Saddle you with your FT job and all M-F kid duties until….? What does he say practically in these conversations?

Actually both of them together need to make a plan to solve this problem. No point in whining about it. It’s done.

And seriously I’d rather be in OPs shoes and get to have the time with the kids than commute. But you can always throw money at the problem until you figure out a way to make it work.

[Anonymous]

I had a 1.5 hour commute each way before the pandemic. My exDH did not care that I only saw my kids 30 minutes a day. We are divorced. You need to move. It's not sustainable. The resentment will destroy the marriage.