How do I stand up to mean girl SIL without causing drama?

[Anonymous]

My SIL is frequently rude and inappropriate with me. I am honestly flummoxed as I don't understand what have I done to encourage her scorn and be a target of meanness. I stay away from her, say a polite hello and then ignore her and avoid her for most of the family gatherings. The thing is...I actually don't know HOW to respond to targeted mean girl comments and jibes.

I am worried that if I do respond in my defense she will get angry and throw a fit and play victim. So I have always ignored it.

What is a mature polite way to deal with this?

[Anonymous]

Google "grey rock". One thing you wan to avoid is giving her personal ammo.

They other phrase I would put in your arsenal is "what do you mean by that?" or "why would you say that?".

Beyond that, distance and cool politeness are the best way through. Stay firm in boundaries if you need to "this is what works for our family" and don't get sucked into any sort of back and forth.

[Anonymous]

I’ll warn you now you’re about to get a lot of bad, and very confrontational advice, because that’s how DCUM rolls.

In reality I think you should accept there’s no magic formula to change her. I’d play deaf and a little dumb at the rude and biting comments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ll warn you now you’re about to get a lot of bad, and very confrontational advice, because that’s how DCUM rolls.

In reality I think you should accept there’s no magic formula to change her. I’d play deaf and a little dumb at the rude and biting comments.

OP here. I have always played deaf and ignored her and focused on DH and I when we are with his family. His parents turn a blind I and do not notice or do not care. DH says his sister is mean to everyone in the family (this is mostly true) so he doesn't even notice her jibes and mean girl behavior.

So I have ignored it. She has been on my case since he brought me home. She excluded me from friendships with other extended family, gossips about be and is rude and inconsiderate to me. She will openly mock my dietary choices or lifestyle choices.

I don't respond to pass it off as a joke by laughing.

But it is awkward and it hurts. She is 30 years old! I am 34.

Aren't we too old for this?

[Anonymous]

If SIL is mean to everyone, I don't see how it will cause any drama to stick up for yourself. You don't have to do it in a rude manner, but you won't be revealing anything that everyone else doesn't already know already.

You might first start with pointing her comments out privately to your husband when she says them if he truly doesn't already notice them. I suspect that he does notice them, but doesn't want to cause drama himself by sticking up for your in front of his family. I would talk with him before the visit/trip and insist that he stick up for you this time. That fact that this has gone on for so long without anyone saying anything to her about it or doing anything about it is just making the situation worse.

[Anonymous]

Stand up for yourself. Do not back down for peace in the family. This type of action just encourages the behavior. Down not be nice or doing anything for her. Treat her the same way she treats you.

[Anonymous]

You need to be more specific. You told us practically nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If SIL is mean to everyone, I don't see how it will cause any drama to stick up for yourself. You don't have to do it in a rude manner, but you won't be revealing anything that everyone else doesn't already know already.

You might first start with pointing her comments out privately to your husband when she says them if he truly doesn't already notice them. I suspect that he does notice them, but doesn't want to cause drama himself by sticking up for your in front of his family. I would talk with him before the visit/trip and insist that he stick up for you this time. That fact that this has gone on for so long without anyone saying anything to her about it or doing anything about it is just making the situation worse.

NP here. I suspect DH could have been SIL's "target" before he married OP. OP, you just have to limit your exposure to toxic SIL. During certain holidays and certain things that you "must" attend, just be short and sweet with her, but do not engage. She is looking for an audience - her dad probably didn't love her, who knows. Point is, you are never going to really know why SIL resents you. Maybe you make her look bad? Agree with other PP about "grey rocking" SIL. She seems mean spirited and antagonistic, and if you are surrounded by kind people, you probably don't understand her bitter mentality. Be glad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stand up for yourself. Do not back down for peace in the family. This type of action just encourages the behavior. Down not be nice or doing anything for her. Treat her the same way she treats you.

+1

Give it back to her, OP. People like this don't know about functional relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to be more specific. You told us practically nothing.

Agree. Can you provide a couple of examples?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ll warn you now you’re about to get a lot of bad, and very confrontational advice, because that’s how DCUM rolls.

In reality I think you should accept there’s no magic formula to change her. I’d play deaf and a little dumb at the rude and biting comments.

+1 OP, you cannot change another person; you can only change how you react to that person. Read some books on Relational Aggression. Queen Bees and Wannabes is probably the Bible in relational aggression. Start practicing some of the recommendations. Again, you will not change your SIL; your goal is to change how you react to her.

[Anonymous]

With these types of people, it's literally impossible to not create drama if you stand up for yourself. So, you can either continue to ignore (that is what she's counting on) or you can tell her to cut out the crap and create drama. But unfortunately there's not really middle ground with a narcissist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ll warn you now you’re about to get a lot of bad, and very confrontational advice, because that’s how DCUM rolls.

In reality I think you should accept there’s no magic formula to change her. I’d play deaf and a little dumb at the rude and biting comments.

OP here. I have always played deaf and ignored her and focused on DH and I when we are with his family. His parents turn a blind I and do not notice or do not care. DH says his sister is mean to everyone in the family (this is mostly true) so he doesn't even notice her jibes and mean girl behavior.

So I have ignored it. She has been on my case since he brought me home. She excluded me from friendships with other extended family, gossips about be and is rude and inconsiderate to me. She will openly mock my dietary choices or lifestyle choices.

I don't respond to pass it off as a joke by laughing.

But it is awkward and it hurts. She is 30 years old! I am 34.

Aren't we too old for this?

Oh the family has enabled this dynamic. I do not play those games.

Just stare at her for 10 seconds with a smirk on your face.
“Well, that was mean” - just stare at her
“Oh, that’s what we are doing today, insulting people?”
“Look, I don’t disrespect you, so do not disrespect me”
“Rude”
“That’s was uncalled for”
“I’m not playing these mean girl games with you today”
When she responds, AND SHE WILL, your only response is:
“I said what I said”
Look at her for 10 seconds and walk away.
I suggest you earn your husband you are no longer going along with this dysfunctional dynamic .
Her family will be upset, they have long decided that letting her be an emotional bully was easier than calling out her destructive behavior. They are doing her no favors.
I sorta feel bad for her, because she has been taught it’s ok and one day someone is going to beat her a**.
Maybe today is the day.

[Anonymous]

Take the high road. Butter wouldn't melt in your mouth. Just smile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ll warn you now you’re about to get a lot of bad, and very confrontational advice, because that’s how DCUM rolls.

In reality I think you should accept there’s no magic formula to change her. I’d play deaf and a little dumb at the rude and biting comments.

I’m not saying OP has to be confrontational, but… you would really allow someone to constantly put you down and verbally abuse you, with no response and no end in sight?

I would not confront anyone but I would flat out refuse to be around her. I’m not anyone’s punching bag.