How do I stand up to mean girl SIL without causing drama?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ll warn you now you’re about to get a lot of bad, and very confrontational advice, because that’s how DCUM rolls.

In reality I think you should accept there’s no magic formula to change her. I’d play deaf and a little dumb at the rude and biting comments.

I’m not saying OP has to be confrontational, but… you would really allow someone to constantly put you down and verbally abuse you, with no response and no end in sight?

I would not confront anyone but I would flat out refuse to be around her. I’m not anyone’s punching bag.

DP. In other words you would rather escalate the drama than let it go. There is a reason why you're unhappy...

I’m not unhappy - because like you, I am not a doormat. People who mistreat me don’t get to be in my life - no drama.

[Anonymous]

With compassion in your tone: Larla, I am so sorry how damaged life has made you. Repeat as needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ll warn you now you’re about to get a lot of bad, and very confrontational advice, because that’s how DCUM rolls.

In reality I think you should accept there’s no magic formula to change her. I’d play deaf and a little dumb at the rude and biting comments.

I’m not saying OP has to be confrontational, but… you would really allow someone to constantly put you down and verbally abuse you, with no response and no end in sight?

I would not confront anyone but I would flat out refuse to be around her. I’m not anyone’s punching bag.

DP. In other words you would rather escalate the drama than let it go. There is a reason why you're unhappy...

I’m not unhappy - because like you, I am not a doormat. People who mistreat me don’t get to be in my life - no drama.

Ah, you don't understand the drama dynamic at all. You're instigating and you don't even know it. That's pretty sad. No wonder you have no friends and even your husband is ignoring you. At some point you're going to realize that you've caused all of your own problems. I am sorry to know that will happen but it will. Hopefully you'll look into therapy then and get healthy. Good luck. (NP)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Google "grey rock". One thing you wan to avoid is giving her personal ammo.

They other phrase I would put in your arsenal is "what do you mean by that?" or "why would you say that?".

Beyond that, distance and cool politeness are the best way through. Stay firm in boundaries if you need to "this is what works for our family" and don't get sucked into any sort of back and forth.

+1
Even better than "why would you say that?" is "why do you say that?" Or, "I'm not following. What do you mean by that?"
Also, "Sorry, I didn't catch that. What did you say?" I find that making people repeat their obnoxious comments, like I have a slight hearing impairment, is pretty effective. That mean comment or zinger sounds kind of stupid if you have to say it again. And then when they do, I just say, "Huh," and move on. You're not going to win a contest of snarky comments with a person who is regularly mean. The best strategy is to play a little bit dumb, don't react, and don't give them ammo. Avoid them as much as possible. Be polite. If they try to get competitive or tell you that you're doing "it" wrong (whatever "it" is), just smile and say, "I'm glad that works so well for your family." Do not get sucked into a debate.

Another comment that works pretty well is, "Well, that's a thought." Or "Well, that's an idea."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Google "grey rock". One thing you wan to avoid is giving her personal ammo.

They other phrase I would put in your arsenal is "what do you mean by that?" or "why would you say that?".

Beyond that, distance and cool politeness are the best way through. Stay firm in boundaries if you need to "this is what works for our family" and don't get sucked into any sort of back and forth.

I think these are terrible things to say as they just fan the flames.

SIL: Only an idiot would buy Fiestaware. Oh OP, didn't you just buy new dishes? What kind?
OP: Fiestaware
SIL: See? Only an idiot
OP: Why would you say that?
SIL: Because everyone knows only morons buy Fiestaware! I mean, come on!

SIL: People who bring cookies to a party are so lazy. You know they just bought them and then put them in their own container to pass them off as theirs.
OP: I made these. I stayed up until 1am last night baking them.
SIL: lol, okay OP. Whatever.
OP: what do you mean by that?
SIL: Nobody believe you - everyone knows you just got them at Wegmans on the way here.

Uh no, if OP answers the first questions with "interesting, why do you think that?" or "hmm why would say that?" it changes the conversation OFF OP and her choices and BACK TO SIL. Which is the entire point. You don't engage further than that. If SIL insists you own up to liking Fiestware, you shrug your shoulders and say "its what works for my family" and walk away.

You don't try to bunt her fast balls. You walk away from the plate. That's the whole point.

+1
You can't get defensive. When she says people who bring cookies are lazy, you look at her, maybe slightly quizzically, and say, "Huh. I never really thought about it." And then walk away or change the subject. You don't debate it with her or defend yourself. If she insults people who buy Fiestaware, you say, "You sure have strong feelings about Fiestaware!" and laugh and walk away or change the subject. Or you say, "Why do you say that?" and let her rant about Fiestaware. The point isn't to "win" the argument. The point is to engage as little as possible and get out of the situation so you can spend time with the family members who aren't mean.

Plus, the "why do you say that" comment works much better when the insults are less...obvious. A lot of mean people try to give themselves plausible deniability, so they don't come out and say that people who do X are bad or stupid. They try to insinuate, imply, and hint, so that when you get offended, they can disavow any intent to insult you. Or they try "kidding on the square" -- if you get offended, they "were just kidding! Can't you take a joke?" even though they were not, actually, kidding. Feigning ignorance of any deeper meaning and asking them to explain what they mean makes them uncomfortable, because the whole point is NOT to come out and say things directly. Really direct comments are, in many ways, easier to deal with.