How do I stand up to mean girl SIL without causing drama?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Google "grey rock". One thing you wan to avoid is giving her personal ammo.

They other phrase I would put in your arsenal is "what do you mean by that?" or "why would you say that?".

Beyond that, distance and cool politeness are the best way through. Stay firm in boundaries if you need to "this is what works for our family" and don't get sucked into any sort of back and forth.

+1
Even better than "why would you say that?" is "why do you say that?" Or, "I'm not following. What do you mean by that?"
Also, "Sorry, I didn't catch that. What did you say?" I find that making people repeat their obnoxious comments, like I have a slight hearing impairment, is pretty effective. That mean comment or zinger sounds kind of stupid if you have to say it again. And then when they do, I just say, "Huh," and move on. You're not going to win a contest of snarky comments with a person who is regularly mean. The best strategy is to play a little bit dumb, don't react, and don't give them ammo. Avoid them as much as possible. Be polite. If they try to get competitive or tell you that you're doing "it" wrong (whatever "it" is), just smile and say, "I'm glad that works so well for your family." Do not get sucked into a debate.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I tried to talk to my husband about sticking up for me when SIL is being rude and he said he isn't getting involved in drama and closed the door to play video games.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I tried to talk to my husband about sticking up for me when SIL is being rude and he said he isn't getting involved in drama and closed the door to play video games.

You don't just have an IL problem but also a DH problem. Do you have kids? Will you tolerate this behavior when your kid is the target? If not, why would you tolerate it when you're the target? Would you tolerate this behavior if she wasn't a relative of your DH? If not, why does being 'family' make any difference?

I agree with 11:21 and that you shouldn't ignore her barbs. You need to be clear to your DH about what your boundaries are and then maintain them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Google "grey rock". One thing you wan to avoid is giving her personal ammo.

They other phrase I would put in your arsenal is "what do you mean by that?" or "why would you say that?".

Beyond that, distance and cool politeness are the best way through. Stay firm in boundaries if you need to "this is what works for our family" and don't get sucked into any sort of back and forth.

I think these are terrible things to say as they just fan the flames.

SIL: Only an idiot would buy Fiestaware. Oh OP, didn't you just buy new dishes? What kind?
OP: Fiestaware
SIL: See? Only an idiot
OP: Why would you say that?
SIL: Because everyone knows only morons buy Fiestaware! I mean, come on!

SIL: People who bring cookies to a party are so lazy. You know they just bought them and then put them in their own container to pass them off as theirs.
OP: I made these. I stayed up until 1am last night baking them.
SIL: lol, okay OP. Whatever.
OP: what do you mean by that?
SIL: Nobody believe you - everyone knows you just got them at Wegmans on the way here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I tried to talk to my husband about sticking up for me when SIL is being rude and he said he isn't getting involved in drama and closed the door to play video games.

Well if you have no support then I think you can excuse yourself from situations with her. I would have no problem staying home and letting him take the kids. He and his parents can deal with her bitterness.

If not, just a simple “ Laura, I know you don’t like me and I just choose not to engage on that level with you. I’m John’s wife and we’re all just going to have to accept that. In the end, your backhanded comments say more about you than they do of me so I won’t engage in pettiness with you.”

[Anonymous]

Avoid, or try and limit contact. If you do see her, be civil and polite but do not engage or respond. Talk to other people in the room instead.

If she starts behaving badly again, give her the number of a good psychiatrist.

[Anonymous]

I have a mean SIL. She is the baby of the family and usually gets her way. I am in this for the long game, and I find devious ways to annoy her. Nobody even knows I dislike her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I tried to talk to my husband about sticking up for me when SIL is being rude and he said he isn't getting involved in drama and closed the door to play video games.

Actually he’s right. He can’t change her either and he’s also “grey rock”-ing on this, as PP put it. You’re never ever going to get a satisfying resolution here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I tried to talk to my husband about sticking up for me when SIL is being rude and he said he isn't getting involved in drama and closed the door to play video games.

Actually he’s right. He can’t change her either and he’s also “grey rock”-ing on this, as PP put it. You’re never ever going to get a satisfying resolution here.

Sorry meant to add—no matter what your husband does. There’s no path through to a satisfying resolution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ll warn you now you’re about to get a lot of bad, and very confrontational advice, because that’s how DCUM rolls.

In reality I think you should accept there’s no magic formula to change her. I’d play deaf and a little dumb at the rude and biting comments.

OP here. I have always played deaf and ignored her and focused on DH and I when we are with his family. His parents turn a blind I and do not notice or do not care. DH says his sister is mean to everyone in the family (this is mostly true) so he doesn't even notice her jibes and mean girl behavior.

So I have ignored it. She has been on my case since he brought me home. She excluded me from friendships with other extended family, gossips about be and is rude and inconsiderate to me. She will openly mock my dietary choices or lifestyle choices.

I don't respond to pass it off as a joke by laughing.

But it is awkward and it hurts. She is 30 years old! I am 34.

Aren't we too old for this?

How can she exclude you from friendships with other family? If they wanted to be friends with you they would. Honestly it sounds like you're trying to pin all the blame on sil but it seems multiple people in your husband's family don't like you. Your husband calls it drama. Your sil may be difficult but I'm not certain you're completely innocent either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ll warn you now you’re about to get a lot of bad, and very confrontational advice, because that’s how DCUM rolls.

In reality I think you should accept there’s no magic formula to change her. I’d play deaf and a little dumb at the rude and biting comments.

I’m not saying OP has to be confrontational, but… you would really allow someone to constantly put you down and verbally abuse you, with no response and no end in sight?

I would not confront anyone but I would flat out refuse to be around her. I’m not anyone’s punching bag.

DP. In other words you would rather escalate the drama than let it go. There is a reason why you're unhappy...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ll warn you now you’re about to get a lot of bad, and very confrontational advice, because that’s how DCUM rolls.

In reality I think you should accept there’s no magic formula to change her. I’d play deaf and a little dumb at the rude and biting comments.

OP here. I have always played deaf and ignored her and focused on DH and I when we are with his family. His parents turn a blind I and do not notice or do not care. DH says his sister is mean to everyone in the family (this is mostly true) so he doesn't even notice her jibes and mean girl behavior.

So I have ignored it. She has been on my case since he brought me home. She excluded me from friendships with other extended family, gossips about be and is rude and inconsiderate to me. She will openly mock my dietary choices or lifestyle choices.

I don't respond to pass it off as a joke by laughing.

But it is awkward and it hurts. She is 30 years old! I am 34.

Aren't we too old for this?

How can she exclude you from friendships with other family? If they wanted to be friends with you they would. Honestly it sounds like you're trying to pin all the blame on sil but it seems multiple people in your husband's family don't like you. Your husband calls it drama. Your sil may be difficult but I'm not certain you're completely innocent either.

This has a lot of truth to it, OP. You need to think about why the other people aren't 'taking your side' against the 'mean girl.' It may not be because she really is a 'mean girl.'

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ll warn you now you’re about to get a lot of bad, and very confrontational advice, because that’s how DCUM rolls.

In reality I think you should accept there’s no magic formula to change her. I’d play deaf and a little dumb at the rude and biting comments.

OP here. I have always played deaf and ignored her and focused on DH and I when we are with his family. His parents turn a blind I and do not notice or do not care. DH says his sister is mean to everyone in the family (this is mostly true) so he doesn't even notice her jibes and mean girl behavior.

So I have ignored it. She has been on my case since he brought me home. She excluded me from friendships with other extended family, gossips about be and is rude and inconsiderate to me. She will openly mock my dietary choices or lifestyle choices.

I don't respond to pass it off as a joke by laughing.

But it is awkward and it hurts. She is 30 years old! I am 34.

Aren't we too old for this?

Op nobody gives a crap about your dietary or lifestyle choices. Nobody cares if you are vegan and if you only buy ethically sourced goods.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Google "grey rock". One thing you wan to avoid is giving her personal ammo.

They other phrase I would put in your arsenal is "what do you mean by that?" or "why would you say that?".

Beyond that, distance and cool politeness are the best way through. Stay firm in boundaries if you need to "this is what works for our family" and don't get sucked into any sort of back and forth.

I think these are terrible things to say as they just fan the flames.

SIL: Only an idiot would buy Fiestaware. Oh OP, didn't you just buy new dishes? What kind?
OP: Fiestaware
SIL: See? Only an idiot
OP: Why would you say that?
SIL: Because everyone knows only morons buy Fiestaware! I mean, come on!

SIL: People who bring cookies to a party are so lazy. You know they just bought them and then put them in their own container to pass them off as theirs.
OP: I made these. I stayed up until 1am last night baking them.
SIL: lol, okay OP. Whatever.
OP: what do you mean by that?
SIL: Nobody believe you - everyone knows you just got them at Wegmans on the way here.

Uh no, if OP answers the first questions with "interesting, why do you think that?" or "hmm why would say that?" it changes the conversation OFF OP and her choices and BACK TO SIL. Which is the entire point. You don't engage further than that. If SIL insists you own up to liking Fiestware, you shrug your shoulders and say "its what works for my family" and walk away.

You don't try to bunt her fast balls. You walk away from the plate. That's the whole point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I tried to talk to my husband about sticking up for me when SIL is being rude and he said he isn't getting involved in drama and closed the door to play video games.

If he doesn't want to get involved in drama, than you don't either. And you don't spend time with SIL. Set a schedule you can manage with seeing her. Skip any gatherings that exceed the schedule and he goes alone.