Anyone just come to the conclusion that spouse is low empathy and there’s just no way around it?

[Anonymous]

I don’t want to go so far as to say NPD or anything, but has anyone else just finally accepted that their spouse is low empathy and figured out how to deal with it? My DH just does not seem to understand other people’s emotional needs or feelings. This is not limited to our relationship. He tends to have more surface friendships, even with old friends. He is never the person calls for help or support. Often, he doesn’t even know about tragedies in people’s lives, unless I tell him. People seem to understand that he is just not there for the deep discussions or support in tough times. Over the course of many years, I have tried to learn to deal with this.

But, after moving to a new city just before the pandemic, it has become unbearable. Very little support while I had no friends, have been dealing with kids whose transition has been tough, especially in light of the pandemic, ailing parents, and looking for work. At last I have started working, and I think whereas I was hoping that would be a source of social time and fulfillment, it’s starting to feel like it could just be a source of stress, especially when it comes to dealing with DH having to do a bit more as a parent and around the house.

If I try to discuss a family issue and how we might improve something, he starts treating it like a litigation and I literally think he believes a judge will walk in and declare a winner in the end. There are winners and losers, and no room for different perspectives. It’s very black and white thinking. Trying yo explain emotions, varying reactions to the same thing, etc, is worthless.

It sounds like I’m describing the downsides of being on the spectrum. Could that be what I’m dealing with? Any strategies (other than explaining my feelings or the kids’ feelings-that may be ultimately worthwhile, but it seems to cause blow ups most of the time).

[Anonymous]

That’s my husband. I just accept it. There is no changing him.
It can be frustrating. He always tells me he doesn’t want any friends. And I tell him back that I do. And he seems to accept that about me.
In a way we balance each other out.

[Anonymous]

Yes. He probably has Asperger's, given that our son has it and he's similar. My son is actually more empathetic!

[Anonymous]

Thanks. OP here. He has friends, but they are in 2 categories: (1) friends he grew up with who are intellectually inferior and just into sort of beer drinking and not getting to know each other’s families etc, and (2) friends related to shared hobbies. These relationships only relate to the hobby and are fairly shallow.

[Anonymous]

Just accept it

[Anonymous]

My dh has and, and it is what it is.

[Anonymous]

I was raised to believe that emotions were, for the most part, indulgent. If there's a problem, work toward solving it & if the emotions don't help you solve the problem, then get over them. If there's not a problem, then why should anyone particularly care about how I or anyone else feels about it?

I think one big detail is whether he expects anyone to care about how he feels? If someone expects empathy but doesn't give it, that's bullshit. If someone gives the level of empathy they expect out of others, then that's reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Here. I am pretty sure he is on the spectrum. I don’t want to miss out on time with the kids, so I stay married.

[Anonymous]

Yes, my husband is like this too. I'm pretty sure he, along with a his sibling, are also on the spectrum (although undiagnosed). Life is very transactional to them. I'm the opposite, and it can be tough living with someone like this. I've learned I can't rely on him and have to take care of myself and the kids by myself. There are times when I feel I have it all under control, but also times it really sucks. Sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

Thanks, everyone. I think once I make more friends locally I will feel better. Parenting will continue to be challenging, but honestly I just need the emotional support. Even in happy times. Just people to react more and enjoy talking about personal stuff and not just politics. I’m a DC native and TBH I am just over politics after 4+ decades of it.

[Anonymous]

Empathy is taught. Think of it more like a muscle.

[Anonymous]

My dad is like this. He and my mom have been married 50 years but I would NOT want a marriage like theirs. My dad is actually pretty sweet but aggressively rational to the point where he veers into irrationality. Like he doesn’t understand normal human reactions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Empathy is taught. Think of it more like a muscle.

Yes, sort of in my case. Medication and therapy has taught my ASD DH to make eye contact and say: "that sounds like a really hard situation" and ask 3 follow-up questions but there's no there there. It's more satisfying to call a close friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t want to go so far as to say NPD or anything, but has anyone else just finally accepted that their spouse is low empathy and figured out how to deal with it? My DH just does not seem to understand other people’s emotional needs or feelings. This is not limited to our relationship. He tends to have more surface friendships, even with old friends. He is never the person calls for help or support. Often, he doesn’t even know about tragedies in people’s lives, unless I tell him. People seem to understand that he is just not there for the deep discussions or support in tough times. Over the course of many years, I have tried to learn to deal with this.

But, after moving to a new city just before the pandemic, it has become unbearable. Very little support while I had no friends, have been dealing with kids whose transition has been tough, especially in light of the pandemic, ailing parents, and looking for work. At last I have started working, and I think whereas I was hoping that would be a source of social time and fulfillment, it’s starting to feel like it could just be a source of stress, especially when it comes to dealing with DH having to do a bit more as a parent and around the house.

If I try to discuss a family issue and how we might improve something, he starts treating it like a litigation and I literally think he believes a judge will walk in and declare a winner in the end. There are winners and losers, and no room for different perspectives. It’s very black and white thinking. Trying yo explain emotions, varying reactions to the same thing, etc, is worthless.

It sounds like I’m describing the downsides of being on the spectrum. Could that be what I’m dealing with? Any strategies (other than explaining my feelings or the kids’ feelings-that may be ultimately worthwhile, but it seems to cause blow ups most of the time).

OP, what you describe in the bold is a tough way for both of you to live. And if your children are younger kids now--when they get older, and do more (completely natural) pushback against you parents at times, well, his "black and white, no different perspectives" thinking is going to produce stress and conflict that will go way off the charts beyond what you see now. Imagine his reactions to your kids when they are tweens and teens and want to explain their thinking on X or Y thing they did, or want to resist something he thinks they should, or simply "must," do. It's going to go from stressful for you to a daily nightmare.

You already say, above, that explaining your feelings or the kids' feelings "seems to cause blow-ups most of the time."

Please don't be so resigned to the idea he is "low-empathy and there's just no way around it." You can see how that comes across as resignation, right? He isn't going to get better; nor should you have to accept this as the norm and spend years protecting your kids from dad's rigid thinking. If ever there were a case where you need professional help, this is it. Possibly couples therapy plus solo therapy for him and maybe for you too. I would frame it to him as something that must be done for the kids and for the sake of the family as a whole, and it needs to start now--so that you don't try to get help later when things really are worse especially re: kids.

I know it's easy for a stranger to say "get therapy," OP, and yes, therapy is time-consuming and expensive. But in your case, as rigid and black-and-white as his thinking is, and as resigned to it as you seem to feel, getting a third party to help you break that pattern may be the only way to avoid your becoming forever the buffer between him and the kids, and forever feeling you are in the marriage alone.

If your DH refuses to acknowledge the way he thinks (if he insists he is "right," which sounds like a risk here), you may have to get pretty black-and-white yourself and give him the ultimatum that this is about your marrriage. I am NOT doing the DCUM thing of chirping "divorce!" at you! You married him and surely can list reasons you love him, so do just that--to remind yourself of positives--and then sit him down and tell him what you told us. Have you told him in so many words that he does not understand emotions and thinks in black and white and seems to expect every discussion to have a loser and a winner? Have you told him frankly that even if HE does not perceive any of that, YOU do perceive it, and it is damaging your feelings for him badly, and giving you great concern for the kids as well? He sounds as if he'd say "You're being illogical and touchy-feely; you knew I was like this when you married me" (always a default statement when someone refuses even to consider they might be less than ideal as a spouse or person). Prepare yourself for that and arm yourself with informatoin about marriage counseling/couples therapy, with a focus on communication and dealing with kids.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I put up with it for a decade before starting the process of leaving.