Anyone just come to the conclusion that spouse is low empathy and there’s just no way around it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad is like this. He and my mom have been married 50 years but I would NOT want a marriage like theirs. My dad is actually pretty sweet but aggressively rational to the point where he veers into irrationality. Like he doesn’t understand normal human reactions.

+1 My dad is like this too, as I suspect are many of the boomer generation men?
He's not a bad guy especially if you only know him superficially but very black and white thinking with very little room for grey areas (ie emotions).
I can't imagine being married to a similar kind of guy, I'd be beyond lonely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, my husband is like this too. I'm pretty sure he, along with a his sibling, are also on the spectrum (although undiagnosed). Life is very transactional to them. I'm the opposite, and it can be tough living with someone like this. I've learned I can't rely on him and have to take care of myself and the kids by myself. There are times when I feel I have it all under control, but also times it really sucks. Sorry, OP.

Ugh. My husband too. He’s got other traits which makes me believe he’s a narcissist but I empathize with your experience. Sucks to feel so alone in a matraquage. I can’t depend on him at all. (Yes, looking for a way out)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, my husband is like this too. I'm pretty sure he, along with a his sibling, are also on the spectrum (although undiagnosed). Life is very transactional to them. I'm the opposite, and it can be tough living with someone like this. I've learned I can't rely on him and have to take care of myself and the kids by myself. There are times when I feel I have it all under control, but also times it really sucks. Sorry, OP.

Ugh. My husband too. He’s got other traits which makes me believe he’s a narcissist but I empathize with your experience. Sucks to feel so alone in a matraquage. I can’t depend on him at all. (Yes, looking for a way out)

Correction: “in a marriage”

[Anonymous]

I think it is likely he is on the spectrum. My DH is the same but I know that he sometimes feels things and hides them. I have over the years, learned to spot that.

So don't underestimate his emotional intelligence, just understand that it is a communication issue. It is a very male trait.

Sometimes I despair, other times I feel numb to it and lower my expectations, which can be shit but what else can you do? You cannot fix a broken trait.

[Anonymous]

I don't know if my DH is low empathy. In certain situations or if it involves his family he's pretty broken up. Other people not so much...but I'm probably the same way. I get more broken up if the family pet dies. A long time ago we had someone actually die at our home due to a health issue. I won't bore you with the details, but I was beyond upset. By the time I called DH the fire dept people, paramedics, and investigators were all there. He came home and asked what happened. They told him and from then on it was a procedure. He wasn't phased much and before I knew it he was talking with them about hunting and fishing. I will say he is one to have in an emergency, doesn't lose his head while I am the opposite.

[Anonymous]

My spouse is like this. It's pretty lonely because we've moved around a lot. I think it's genetic. My DD is a female version of him and also has very low empathy and always has. Flip side: nothing can hurt her, she doesn't care what anyone thinks ever, she does not dwell or ruminate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Empathy is taught. Think of it more like a muscle.

I think this is true. My husband is not a naturally empathetic person. He's more rational/logical and has a hard time understanding emotions that don't make sense (which, honestly, is most emotions). He's an electrical engineer, so this isn't entirely surprising. HOWEVER, since I wasn't interested in being married to someone like that, it's something we talked about when we dated and we found a way for me to express to him how I feel and what I need and for him to react in a way that works for me. I do the same for him (mostly understanding that he wants to find a solution to every problem, so he wants to talk things through with me). He is now a wonderful husband, father, and friend. His own parents are both totally unemotional so I know where he got it from, but he has changed by using his empathy muscle.

[Anonymous]

The ruminating is exhausting. All of you who feel too much, you are exhausting for the rest of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Less emotional people have their place. They will be the one thinking rationale in a crisis. Keep the big picture in mind, don't get lost in the weeds. Don't discount their contribution to your life, big or small.

This has not been my experience. My spouse completely shuts down in a crisis and is paralyzed. No sense of urgency or awareness that others are suffering (physically from injury or illness) and they should get them help.

That’s mine, too. I thought I was the only one. Mine will just sit there and blink and you can literally see him processing and then planning a rational way to react in real time. As the spouse in these situations, I carry a lot of stress because I know I am always the one that will have to stay alert and be ready to spring into action. And I’m also the one who gets second-guessed or criticized when DH applies his cooly rational post-event analysis to the situation.

Add me to the list. Read the OP and thought, yup, that's my husband, and the worst part is that he can't be counted on during a crisis. And I'm unfortunately not hypothesizing.

[Anonymous]

Definitely sounds like my ex-husband and he just might be a narcissist. They simple don't feel empathy at all. He could fake care or concern for a moment, but he truly didn't understand others' emotions at all. Not even our child's. It's really difficult to live with someone like that. Therapy doesn't make someone more empathetic, especially not a narcissist. They never own that they're the problem.