My brother, sister and I are not close

[Anonymous]

We love each other and wish the best for each other but really have nothing to do with each other! We haven’t seen each other since our parents funeral four years ago. We’re just so different. We rarely talk but text information and occasional well wishes.

Do you think my parents did something wrong? We were each individually very close to our parents and had happy childhoods. Our parents and our childhoods are all we have to talk about.

[Anonymous]

Why are you trying to assign blame to your parents? Cultivate the relationship you want with your siblings.

[Anonymous]

Same. I just don’t have much in common with my sister. We did fight a lot as kids but nothing since I went to college. We are friendly but that’s about it.

[Anonymous]

Same, I have two sisters and none of us are close with one another. We are all so different and there’s 3.5 years between each of us.

[Anonymous]

Same. My brother and I are 22 months apart and have little in common. He's an arborist; I'm a corporate lawyer. I like cities; he likes the outdoors. He's non-confrontational; I'm happy to argue. He lives on the west coast; I live on the east coast. We're polite and reasonably friendly, but we both hate talking on the phone and we see each other once a year (pre-COVID). I am not sure what my parents could have done to resolve the fundamental issue, which is that we don't share interests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same. My brother and I are 22 months apart and have little in common. He's an arborist; I'm a corporate lawyer. I like cities; he likes the outdoors. He's non-confrontational; I'm happy to argue. He lives on the west coast; I live on the east coast. We're polite and reasonably friendly, but we both hate talking on the phone and we see each other once a year (pre-COVID). I am not sure what my parents could have done to resolve the fundamental issue, which is that we don't share interests.

Your brother sounds more interesting and fun than you.

[Anonymous]

Probably has nothing to do with your parents directly OP.

I have much more distance with my sibling since my parents died,mainly because his wife seems to intensely dislike me, and does everything she can to create distance. I've realized it's not worth it to fight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same. My brother and I are 22 months apart and have little in common. He's an arborist; I'm a corporate lawyer. I like cities; he likes the outdoors. He's non-confrontational; I'm happy to argue. He lives on the west coast; I live on the east coast. We're polite and reasonably friendly, but we both hate talking on the phone and we see each other once a year (pre-COVID). I am not sure what my parents could have done to resolve the fundamental issue, which is that we don't share interests.

Your brother sounds more interesting and fun than you.

And what if he is? That doesn’t magically make them become close.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you try to get together for Thanksgiving or a religious holiday. That's what most siblings do, at least occasionally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We love each other and wish the best for each other but really have nothing to do with each other! We haven’t seen each other since our parents funeral four years ago. We’re just so different. We rarely talk but text information and occasional well wishes.

Do you think my parents did something wrong? We were each individually very close to our parents and had happy childhoods. Our parents and our childhoods are all we have to talk about.

I have 2 brothers. One I get along with swimmingly and we are very close. The other, I’ll be honest, if I never saw him again I probably wouldn’t care. I don’t think my parents had anything to do with me getting a long or not with either of them.

[Anonymous]

I have three siblings and I am the oldest. I think this is normal. Everyone, especially siblings, had a different personality. Even if you grow up with them and have shared experiences, you can turn out to be completely different people and that’s okay. I am very different from my siblings and we love each other dearly but we have not much in common aside from childhood experiences. My own two DDs are best friends right now, in their early teens, but they have very different personalities and I wouldn’t be surprised if they are not as close when they’re older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same. My brother and I are 22 months apart and have little in common. He's an arborist; I'm a corporate lawyer. I like cities; he likes the outdoors. He's non-confrontational; I'm happy to argue. He lives on the west coast; I live on the east coast. We're polite and reasonably friendly, but we both hate talking on the phone and we see each other once a year (pre-COVID). I am not sure what my parents could have done to resolve the fundamental issue, which is that we don't share interests.

My brother lives on 100 acres in rural Maine. He manages a home for adults with disabilities. He doesn’t like confrontation. I live here, work for FAANG, and am happy to argue. We don’t share many interests. We talk a few times a week, make sure to visit each other, and our kids are very close. I consider him one of my best friends. Not sure having common interests drives a sibling relationship.

[Anonymous]

Oldest of 5 and my siblings are super close. We had a very erratic/abusive upbringing with borderline personality disorder mother, which surviving that home life has bonded us more than siblings growing up with stable parents. I also have noticed that if you're from a big family and really overall loved, its probably because your sibling bond. Makes me sad if I ever had kids it will be 2 or 3 due to age and fertility issues, but recognize that the circumstances that brought my siblings and I closer also were incredibly damaging.

Sure there are many big families who didn't have unstable/abusive environment who also have closer siblings. Its probably that you can't really get away from each other when they're so many of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same. My brother and I are 22 months apart and have little in common. He's an arborist; I'm a corporate lawyer. I like cities; he likes the outdoors. He's non-confrontational; I'm happy to argue. He lives on the west coast; I live on the east coast. We're polite and reasonably friendly, but we both hate talking on the phone and we see each other once a year (pre-COVID). I am not sure what my parents could have done to resolve the fundamental issue, which is that we don't share interests.

My brother lives on 100 acres in rural Maine. He manages a home for adults with disabilities. He doesn’t like confrontation. I live here, work for FAANG, and am happy to argue. We don’t share many interests. We talk a few times a week, make sure to visit each other, and our kids are very close. I consider him one of my best friends. Not sure having common interests drives a sibling relationship.

I feel like it would help! We visit my brother's city once a year (though 2019 was the last time probably until 2022 because my kids are too young to be vaccinated). He has never visited us (he also has three kids). As I said, neither of us likes to talk on the phone. When we do see each other, without common interests or any common frames of reference, there isn't a lot to talk about other than the kids. I'm curious about what drives sibling relationships that's different from what drives friend relationships, because some people seem to bridge that gap and have a close relationship with a sibling they likely wouldn't be friends with if they weren't related, and others don't. What do you talk about multiple times a week if you don't share many interests?

[Anonymous]

My brother and I are close, but neither of us are close to our sister. Our parents played a role. We alternated being black sheep for doing normal kid things. Our sister didn't gave them what they want-Harvard and Yale for everything. Her whole life there were complaints from teachers, relatives etc that she was not a nice person. She's competitive to the point and taking extreme joy when her adversary suffers a negative life event. She back stabs and is passive aggressive. She has extreme feelings of superiority which have led to arrogance. The list goes on, but they didn't care. They assumed the teachers were too threatened by her brilliance. The relatives who complained were just jerks. Her trail of relationships going up in flames were not her fault. They did not value kindness and good character. She gave them bragging rights for what mattered to them. My brother and I have similar values. We care about a person's heart.