My brother, sister and I are not close

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oldest of 5 and my siblings are super close. We had a very erratic/abusive upbringing with borderline personality disorder mother, which surviving that home life has bonded us more than siblings growing up with stable parents. I also have noticed that if you're from a big family and really overall loved, its probably because your sibling bond. Makes me sad if I ever had kids it will be 2 or 3 due to age and fertility issues, but recognize that the circumstances that brought my siblings and I closer also were incredibly damaging.

Sure there are many big families who didn't have unstable/abusive environment who also have closer siblings. Its probably that you can't really get away from each other when they're so many of you.

Don’t flatter yourself. I am also from a family with extremely abusive and erratic parents, including a narcissistic personality disorder mother, and surviving that home life meant today I am estranged from my siblings due to their ultimately complicit adult roles in triangulation by our mom, who played us against each other as a means of control and manipulation.

Same. Narc mother and enabler sister who continues to engage in toxic triangulation. I will remain the black sheep and rarely deal with them because they are awful people. I wish I had a close sibling relationship. My DH and his brother are incredibly close. My MIL worked really hard to foster a close bond between them, and it hurts sometimes to see how awful it was that my mother actively pitted my sister and I against one another and still does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Adopted siblings here. One had severe mental illness and behavioral problems and that has informed a separate world for all of us. We were not alike at all to begin with, but we live entirely in separate worlds. Interesting that this happens with biological siblings too.

I am also adopted with the exact same description-one sibling (of 3) with serious mental illness and behavioral issues that impacted everyone's life. The other sibling, besides me, though, got less parenting and attention and, as a result, doesn't relate well to anyone well, and just seems to like it that way. I was probably the luckiest for a variety of reasons. I make gestures for BDays and holiday, but we won't ever be close, and I don't take it personally. My parents were good people, did their best, but the trauma of that one seriously affected child affected everyone. It was no one's fault.

Your post, though, really comforted me. I've always longed for a close family and I needed to read this and know this happens. It made me feel better. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

I’m the oldest of three. My parents, while loving and nice people, raised us in a very chaotic home that upset me so much I moved 2 hours away to escape it. My siblings still live in my hometown.

My sister has turned into a clone of my mother and I love her but she’s only interested in talking or seeing me if she can get something out of it (money, information or someone to take care of her kids). She has a ton of personal friends and was always very popular but as for how she views her family it’s all take. She can also be very nasty with her words and has said some horrible things to me in the last few years. I have stopped paying for things for her unless it’s for one of her kids. For my own mental health I have had to dial it way back. I can’t take her crazy. I left my hometown for a reason and have created a very calm life for myself here with my new family.

My brother is just so dang lazy. He won’t keep a job, he plays video games all day and all night. He is a gentle soul but also with a rather mean streak if he feels offended (which lately seems all the time over anything). We were out to lunch the last time I saw him and he couldn’t decide if he wanted his side to be the fries or the salad so I suggested he could probably just get both and then get the best of both worlds and he jumped down my throat accusing me of trying to control him and tell him what to do. He’s 40. So I don’t need that.

I spent a tremendous amount of time with my siblings and even shared a room with my sister for years. But we went in entirely different directions as adults. I am actually quite close to some first abs second cousins thanks to technology. Otherwise I would be super depressed as to having no close family. I really try.

[Anonymous]

I think how parents raise their kids can influence their relationships as adults. My grandmother, although a wonderful grandmother to her grandkids, pitted my mom and her four siblings against each other as kids, especially the girls. They’ve always had some really dysfunctional relationships with each other and would all benefit from some therapy. Although my mom was better with raising myself and my two sisters there was a level of subtle favoritism directed at me that my middle sister resented especially. It made her become super competitive and strive to be everyone else’s “favorite.” She hasn’t come to visit us in 3 years but visits our other sister multiple times per year (similar distance). It just is what it is and it’s not like we are estranged or anything, but I hope my two kids will have a better relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have three siblings and I am the oldest. I think this is normal. Everyone, especially siblings, had a different personality. Even if you grow up with them and have shared experiences, you can turn out to be completely different people and that’s okay. I am very different from my siblings and we love each other dearly but we have not much in common aside from childhood experiences. My own two DDs are best friends right now, in their early teens, but they have very different personalities and I wouldn’t be surprised if they are not as close when they’re older.

Wow PP. I could have written every word of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same. My brother and I are 22 months apart and have little in common. He's an arborist; I'm a corporate lawyer. I like cities; he likes the outdoors. He's non-confrontational; I'm happy to argue. He lives on the west coast; I live on the east coast. We're polite and reasonably friendly, but we both hate talking on the phone and we see each other once a year (pre-COVID). I am not sure what my parents could have done to resolve the fundamental issue, which is that we don't share interests.

My brother lives on 100 acres in rural Maine. He manages a home for adults with disabilities. He doesn’t like confrontation. I live here, work for FAANG, and am happy to argue. We don’t share many interests. We talk a few times a week, make sure to visit each other, and our kids are very close. I consider him one of my best friends. Not sure having common interests drives a sibling relationship.

I feel like it would help! We visit my brother's city once a year (though 2019 was the last time probably until 2022 because my kids are too young to be vaccinated). He has never visited us (he also has three kids). As I said, neither of us likes to talk on the phone. When we do see each other, without common interests or any common frames of reference, there isn't a lot to talk about other than the kids. I'm curious about what drives sibling relationships that's different from what drives friend relationships, because some people seem to bridge that gap and have a close relationship with a sibling they likely wouldn't be friends with if they weren't related, and others don't. What do you talk about multiple times a week if you don't share many interests?

In that case I think it would be more like an in-law relationship-you don’t necessarily click but ideally there’s no animosity and you can work on the relationship. In terms of no common interest, I don’t see that as a barrier at all. Just show interest in their life. “a new flock of sheep? That’s interesting! Where do you go to buy a new flock? How did you pick them out? Are there any issues introducing a new flock to your current sheep?” And so on