My brother, sister and I are not close

[Anonymous]

OP - you could make the effort. See each of them, minimally, once a year. Just you.

Just keep it a nice visit. Be in town for a couple days, stay in a hotel. Keep the time together short, like a meal out.

Put in the effort. Initially, even if it's not matched.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you never needed to bond with your siblings because you had great parents? You wrote that individually you each had close relationships with your parents.

I’m very close to my two brothers because my parents were neglectful and borderline abusive. We were the kids whose parents forgot to pick up from school. We bonded tightly because we had to.

[Anonymous]

Adopted siblings here. One had severe mental illness and behavioral problems and that has informed a separate world for all of us. We were not alike at all to begin with, but we live entirely in separate worlds. Interesting that this happens with biological siblings too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same. My brother and I are 22 months apart and have little in common. He's an arborist; I'm a corporate lawyer. I like cities; he likes the outdoors. He's non-confrontational; I'm happy to argue. He lives on the west coast; I live on the east coast. We're polite and reasonably friendly, but we both hate talking on the phone and we see each other once a year (pre-COVID). I am not sure what my parents could have done to resolve the fundamental issue, which is that we don't share interests.

My brother lives on 100 acres in rural Maine. He manages a home for adults with disabilities. He doesn’t like confrontation. I live here, work for FAANG, and am happy to argue. We don’t share many interests. We talk a few times a week, make sure to visit each other, and our kids are very close. I consider him one of my best friends. Not sure having common interests drives a sibling relationship.

I feel like it would help! We visit my brother's city once a year (though 2019 was the last time probably until 2022 because my kids are too young to be vaccinated). He has never visited us (he also has three kids). As I said, neither of us likes to talk on the phone. When we do see each other, without common interests or any common frames of reference, there isn't a lot to talk about other than the kids. I'm curious about what drives sibling relationships that's different from what drives friend relationships, because some people seem to bridge that gap and have a close relationship with a sibling they likely wouldn't be friends with if they weren't related, and others don't. What do you talk about multiple times a week if you don't share many interests?

Life. Same as you would talk to a friend about. We talk about our spouses and relationship issues. We talk about the kids, money, work. We talk about where to go on vacation together so the kids can spend time together. My kids are going to camp in NH this summer so we’re coordinating meeting for dinner either at drop off or pick up.

[Anonymous]

Interesting question....

Could my parents have done anything differently?...

My parents weren't terribly caring or involved with their own siblings so I should not be surprised that my siblings and I aren't close. But as a parent now- it's weird to realize that one day- all my kids 'sibling closeness'- so much like the 'sibling closeness' I had where we were a team and put each other first... can just be gone one day.

contributing factors in my situation:

-siblings are older, never married, no kids.
-one sibling just kind of aimless/no drive
-one sibling with some alcohol issues
-they don't bother so I don't bother.

BUT... the one thing my parents talked about a lot was how when family died- everyone came out of the woodwork to fight about money/over the estates- so as kids we made a pact never to do that... we will see!!

[Anonymous]

My brother called me a few weeks ago. I panicked, assuming our parents were in an accident. It was the first time he'd called me in about twenty-five years.

We ended up having a nice talk, and it reminded me that we love each other even though we have nothing in common. I'm going to make an effort to be in closer contact with him now, but it's okay when people's lives evolve and they fall in and out of touch.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand why people force relationships that don’t bring joy. I make an effort to spend time with people I like spending time with. My sister does the same (on the opposite coast). We will text occasionally and see each other at our parents’ for Christmas every 2-3 years, but that’s it. We both have happy, fulfilled lives separate from each other. We had a great childhood with no issues. I don’t think we needed each other because our lives were full with friends and our parents. There was no “sibling shaped hole” that needed filled.

The people I know with the closest sibling bonds either had traumatic childhoods and needed each other for support, or have kids close in age and want the cousins to know each other. Most everyone else I know as an adult is polite but indifferent to adult siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same. My brother and I are 22 months apart and have little in common. He's an arborist; I'm a corporate lawyer. I like cities; he likes the outdoors. He's non-confrontational; I'm happy to argue. He lives on the west coast; I live on the east coast. We're polite and reasonably friendly, but we both hate talking on the phone and we see each other once a year (pre-COVID). I am not sure what my parents could have done to resolve the fundamental issue, which is that we don't share interests.

The thing is, if you love each other, you FIND things you have in common. Maybe you both like playing board games, or watching documentaries, or making sheet pan dinners, or reading books about blah, or making specialty cocktails, or whatever. I mean, my brother and I both wear the same obscure brand of socks from a tiny company and we'd never discussed it - we were both just sitting together and it was like "Hey, are those Darn Tough?" "Me too!" You need to talk to each other in order to find the commonalities.

[Anonymous]

You have to want a relationship with anyone for it to even be an option. I have 3 sisters. We each want to be close, and we each put effort into getting together, talking, staying connected. And we each have very distinctive and different personalities.

Effort, OP.

[Anonymous]

My family is the same, OP. I love my brother and have memories of a fun, loving childhood but really don’t have anything in common with him as an adult and never see him since our parents died. We’re just very different people and live on opposite sides of the country.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to want a relationship with anyone for it to even be an option. I have 3 sisters. We each want to be close, and we each put effort into getting together, talking, staying connected. And we each have very distinctive and different personalities.

Effort, OP.

If I put more effort into being close to my sister we would just fight. We have very little common ground. I love her but can’t be around her too much.

Sometimes life just works out that way. I don’t see anything my parents could have done better for us.

[Anonymous]

I think it's important to maintain relationships with family. It's grounding. It's the people that knew you since you were born, and who will know you when you are old. Friends will often come in and out of your life, siblings will always be there. In fact, since my parents will probably die decades before me, and since my wife and I did not meet until our 20s, my sister will know me the longest of anyone on earth.

I love my sister but we are not super besties. We usually text once every two weeks or so. We do quick Alexa video calls every month or two. We see each other twice a year or so. (She lives two hours away, so it's not that hard. Would be more except she is unfortunately estranged with our parents, long story, so I split holidays.)

So I mean yeah we have our own lives most of the time, and then connect when we can and make it a priority to do so. But polite indifference? That's just so... sad. What a bleak way to go through life.

[Anonymous]

I have two brothers who are older than me. We are there for each other no matter what. One SIL hated our side of the family and wanted my brother to only associate with her side of the family. It put my brother in a horrible situation and any relationship we had with him was like walking on eggshells.

Sadly, she passed away unexpectedly a few months back in a very sudden onset of aggressive cancer. It is very hard because my brother is suffering and of course he and I respectfully don't talk about her hatred for our side of the family. Even more tragically, a number of SIL's side of the family also unexpectedly passed away last year and so the support network and the extended family that my brother had is no longer there.

I am trying to build upon my relationship with him and check on him pretty often.

Even though my SIL was very nasty and angry in her last few years, it was very depressing for me because I did not understand why she had changed. I wondered if she was having strokes that we did not know about. She gave all of us anxiety because she was very aggresive and horrible in the end. It was very hard to cope with that. And so we all withdrew so that she is not angry or abusive to my brother. We did not want her wrath triggered towards my brother and we wished him happiness with her. In some ways, I also blamed my brother because he neither explained why she was angry nor he stopped her from being abusive towards us. My brother is a very mild person and a good person. I feel bad all around and I wish she was still alive (even if estranged from my side of the family) and with my brother, because he has to face life alone at 62.

I am close to my other SIL. She is a very neutral person and she came in the first SIL's crosshairs, once I withdrew completely. She also is sad that this person who is no more changed so suddenly and the relationship soured. It is frankly very frightening.

I hope my brother heals and any rifts that is in the family also is closed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's important to maintain relationships with family. It's grounding. It's the people that knew you since you were born, and who will know you when you are old. Friends will often come in and out of your life, siblings will always be there. In fact, since my parents will probably die decades before me, and since my wife and I did not meet until our 20s, my sister will know me the longest of anyone on earth.

I love my sister but we are not super besties. We usually text once every two weeks or so. We do quick Alexa video calls every month or two. We see each other twice a year or so. (She lives two hours away, so it's not that hard. Would be more except she is unfortunately estranged with our parents, long story, so I split holidays.)

So I mean yeah we have our own lives most of the time, and then connect when we can and make it a priority to do so. But polite indifference? That's just so... sad. What a bleak way to go through life.

It's funny. I had a coworker like you who said "family is everything" and she was so upset her kids weren't into their cousins. Her kids had very strong friendships some since childhood. Meanwhile this woman had a sister going through chemo who hit hard times and as close as they supposedly were, she barely visited. As well off as this woman was (her income was to buy fancy things-her husband was a big earner) she refused to give her sister a dime. So um family is everything? I visited my friends having chemo and if a friend hit financial hard times I would help.

[Anonymous]

I’m as close to my sister as I can be given the political climate and misinformation. One of us is a liberal Democrat and the other a Trump Republican; one of us volunteers with gun control groups and the other belongs to a gun range and belongs to the NRA.

We’re very good about never, ever discussing issues but it’s very limiting. We don’t ever like to read the same type of books or watch the same shows/movies.

It’s kind of amazing we came from the same house and parents!