Has Anyone Actually Overcome Low Self-Worth / Self -Esteem? How?

[Anonymous]

If therapy worked for you, what kind? If you found a supportive group of friends, how did you do that without any confidence?

My parents spent my childhood pointing out every little thing wrong with me. As a result, I have no self-confidence. I went to two different therapists but they just talked about my childhood and helped understand my problem in detail, without offering a solution.

I don’t get any external validation in my life. Professionally, I do freelance work that I really like, but it’s nothing great or impressive, my friends never ask or care about it. Honestly I don’t even like my few friends, they’re not very ambitious and kind of boring, but I can’t make any new friends, interesting people don’t want to be friends with me.

I’m married and my husband tries to be supportive but I kind of discount it when he says that I’m not mediocre because he’s my husband, obviously he has to say that. I also feel insecure about him not being that great of a husband (because no one has said he is, and also if he was, would he pick me?)


I don’t have any talents or skills, I’m just sort of getting by in life and I am tired of feeling this way all the time. It’s bad for me and my Husband and kids.

I think I need a huge amount of external validation to make up for what I didnt get as a kid. But how can I get that? My husband says I need to just believe in myself, but how can I believe in something without any evidence? I feel like if I just got up and decided to believe that I’m awesome, I’d be lying to myself.

Yesterday my therapist said this struggle might be life long and I’m horrified by that. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life like this. I would love to hear some advice from someone who’s been there.

[Anonymous]

Are you depressed? Have you been screen for depression?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If therapy worked for you, what kind? If you found a supportive group of friends, how did you do that without any confidence?

My parents spent my childhood pointing out every little thing wrong with me. As a result, I have no self-confidence. I went to two different therapists but they just talked about my childhood and helped understand my problem in detail, without offering a solution.

I don’t get any external validation in my life. Professionally, I do freelance work that I really like, but it’s nothing great or impressive, my friends never ask or care about it. Honestly I don’t even like my few friends, they’re not very ambitious and kind of boring, but I can’t make any new friends, interesting people don’t want to be friends with me.

I’m married and my husband tries to be supportive but I kind of discount it when he says that I’m not mediocre because he’s my husband, obviously he has to say that. I also feel insecure about him not being that great of a husband (because no one has said he is, and also if he was, would he pick me?)


I don’t have any talents or skills, I’m just sort of getting by in life and I am tired of feeling this way all the time. It’s bad for me and my Husband and kids.

I think I need a huge amount of external validation to make up for what I didnt get as a kid. But how can I get that? My husband says I need to just believe in myself, but how can I believe in something without any evidence? I feel like if I just got up and decided to believe that I’m awesome, I’d be lying to myself.

Yesterday my therapist said this struggle might be life long and I’m horrified by that. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life like this. I would love to hear some advice from someone who’s been there.

What’s wrong with mediocre? Most people are mediocre in one or all ways. It doesn’t stop them from having self worth or pleasure in life. Look at what your self expectations are in terms of being extraordinary. The gap be tween that probably unattainable ideal and reality is what’s making you miserable.

[Anonymous]

If you haven’t, at this point you should probably go on medication.

The answer lies in the way you are thinking. The PP said something very true, most of us are incredibly mediocre. There are 350 million people in this country and most of us are completely unnoteworthy. You seem to believe that isn’t true and that the rest of us walk around with super talents and being told how amazing we are. Most of us have probably had a very similar upbringing to yours.

I wonder if your therapists have been challenging enough with you because you certainly sound like you feel incredibly sorry for yourself. You have this imagined ideal of how the rest of us were brought up and lived, many of us came from highly critical Holmes.

Try doing stuff for others instead of constantly focusing on yourself. Maybe that would help.

[Anonymous]

Anti-depressants can help shut down the constant negativity that I’m getting from your post. Please start there. BTDT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anti-depressants can help shut down the constant negativity that I’m getting from your post. Please start there. BTDT.

+1

[Anonymous]

You have to, deep down, realize, and believe, that every human being has something valuable to offer, something they can teach you - whether it is their sense of humor and ability to lift your spirits, or it's a specific deep knowledge in a subject area, or an interesting life history, or it is their ability to connect people and generosity of spirit, or their loyalty and reliability. Once you realize this, you can start to actually enjoy people, friendships, and be appreciative of people and have genuine interest in others. And then the offshoot of this is that once you are able to do this, you are also able to see the things that you have to offer the world and to others and to see the value in yourself.

I think there's a lot you can do to work on self-esteem and confidence. One is to just start following your interests and get really good at something, something you enjoy.

Another is to start working on building some positive habits into your day. For example, daily exercise, daily meditation, daily gratitude - start with just 5 minutes a day and build on it.

I've struggled with this my whole life too. My parents were/are constantly critical, verbally and physically abusive. I've also done some therapy as well, and it was helpful but was too expensive to maintain.

[Anonymous]

OP I really think you should look into Positive Intelligence— there’s a website with some information and a book you can get (or if you really want there’s a 6 week course to really help you break those habits of mind).

The guy behind it had a terrible childhood and the whole orientation of his program is how to control negative emotions and internal critical voices. I’m not big self improvement person generally but I think it might be helpful for you.

[Anonymous]

Years of therapy, DBT and mindfulness. It is so hard, but worth the work. Of course, I’m not 100% but I’m so much better than I was. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

1) I satisfied my praise kink in the BDSM community for a number of years.
2) landed my dream job and didn’t have imposter syndrome
3) set boundaries with my parents
4) married a really chill partner

I did therapy before during and after 1-4, but I think it didn’t make as big a difference as 1-4. Twenty plus years of therapy.

[Anonymous]

Maybe a new therapist is in order. To me, that comment was not a helpful one.
You seem to have an understanding of the roots of the issue, so looking for a more "results-oriented" therapy, like CBT, might be more helpful. Taking small steps to improve things and change your mindset will have a positive effect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If therapy worked for you, what kind? If you found a supportive group of friends, how did you do that without any confidence?

My parents spent my childhood pointing out every little thing wrong with me. As a result, I have no self-confidence. I went to two different therapists but they just talked about my childhood and helped understand my problem in detail, without offering a solution.

I don’t get any external validation in my life. Professionally, I do freelance work that I really like, but it’s nothing great or impressive, my friends never ask or care about it. Honestly I don’t even like my few friends, they’re not very ambitious and kind of boring, but I can’t make any new friends, interesting people don’t want to be friends with me.

I’m married and my husband tries to be supportive but I kind of discount it when he says that I’m not mediocre because he’s my husband, obviously he has to say that. I also feel insecure about him not being that great of a husband (because no one has said he is, and also if he was, would he pick me?)


I don’t have any talents or skills, I’m just sort of getting by in life and I am tired of feeling this way all the time. It’s bad for me and my Husband and kids.

I think I need a huge amount of external validation to make up for what I didnt get as a kid. But how can I get that? My husband says I need to just believe in myself, but how can I believe in something without any evidence? I feel like if I just got up and decided to believe that I’m awesome, I’d be lying to myself.

Yesterday my therapist said this struggle might be life long and I’m horrified by that. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life like this. I would love to hear some advice from someone who’s been there.

You get self esteem by doing things you are proud of or that challenge you. What would make you feel proud? Do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) I satisfied my praise kink in the BDSM community for a number of years.
2) landed my dream job and didn’t have imposter syndrome
3) set boundaries with my parents
4) married a really chill partner

I did therapy before during and after 1-4, but I think it didn’t make as big a difference as 1-4. Twenty plus years of therapy.

I’m not OP, but I’m curious how you did this. I have terrible self-esteem and have noticed I get off on praise during sex….like a LOT. I’m wondering if this would help me.

[Anonymous]

You are mediocre in DC. You can move to some pod ink town and get a big ego lift.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I agree with getting on or better drugs with a structured therapist that focuses less on the details of your past and focuses on present strategies.

I’m struggling hard right now with a job and lifelong untreated ADHD and can tell you that most advice i get is well meaning but ultimate meaningless because the issue is irrational and bone deep.