Falling out with someone - would you still congratulate

[Anonymous]

If your ex best friend got married or had a baby, would you still congratulate that person or not?

The falling out wasn’t over something major (stealing boyfriend or ruining someone’s career)

[Anonymous]

Yes, I would.

[Anonymous]

Eh, depends. How long ago did we fall out? What was it over? Have we talked since?

[Anonymous]

OP-Make the case to not congratulate this person. Explain why you wouldn’t.

[Anonymous]

If the falling out wasn’t over some thing dramatic, just like you said, I would congratulate. As long as you can do it with no expectation, just as a nice gesture.
No expectations because they might feel differently but if it’s genuine and you do it just leave it at that.

[Anonymous]

I still congratulate someone who I’m friends with but no longer close to. I just don’t make any efforts beyond that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP-Make the case to not congratulate this person. Explain why you wouldn’t.

I’m the one who deserves the congrats lol.

I raised this to a mutual friend saying that I was hurt this ex friend didn’t even congratulate me, she said it was normal because we haven’t spoken. Have not spoken for a year and a half. Had been friends with ex friend for 20 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the falling out wasn’t over some thing dramatic, just like you said, I would congratulate. As long as you can do it with no expectation, just as a nice gesture.
No expectations because they might feel differently but if it’s genuine and you do it just leave it at that.

+1

The key here is that the falling out wasn't dramatic. I assume that means there's no hard feelings there, just that some rift developed and it became too hard to repair. In that case I'd definitely congratulate.

I had a falling out that was dramatic some years ago, and when I found out the ex-friend was expecting a baby, I actually went and found her registry and considered sending a gift. I was really torn about it. But ultimately, because of the circumstances of our falling-out, there was no way to anticipate whether it would have been considered welcome or hostile. And I had mixed feelings too -- part of me wanted to just congratulate her and welcome her to motherhood and let it all go. But it's like the fear that she would view the gift with suspicion or hostility reminded me that I still hadn't forgiven her, and I couldn't go through with it.

If it had been a less dramatic rift, I would have sent something.

[Anonymous]

Because you find yourself face-to-face with this person? Yes. It wouldn't be a congratulations though, it would be, "How is married life?" Though the person doesn't really care. Not "congratulations". Congratulations is a little odd.

Having to reach out? Having to reach out by text, email, call, or social media? No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because you find yourself face-to-face with this person? Yes. It wouldn't be a congratulations though, it would be, "How is married life?" Though the person doesn't really care. Not "congratulations". Congratulations is a little odd.

Having to reach out? Having to reach out by text, email, call, or social media? No.

Funny I find it easier to send a dismissive text than to do so face-to-face.

[Anonymous]

I’d say it could go either way. It’s a gracious and kind thing to do, and if it was me I’d want to take the high road and wish the other person well. On the other hand, I wouldn’t expect it from the other person, and would want to be gracious to think that perhaps they hadn’t heard there was news to celebrate, or perhaps that they felt awkward and didn’t know if their congratulations would be accepted or provoke a negative reaction.

Really, a lot of this depends on the situation. Maybe the cause of the falling out wasn’t significant to you, but it might have been highly significant to them. If they feel gravely wronged, then I wouldn’t expect congratulations (or anything else), until you reach out and re-establish communication, probably with an apology.

Basically, if you want to save this friendship, I’d say you need to be the bigger person. For whatever share of the problem you’ve caused, accept responsibility and apologize. For whatever share of the problem they’ve caused, forgive (but not necessarily forget - You don’t have to say that something wrong is alright, just that you’re going to stop resenting it and are open to moving on). Ideally, the friend would meet you somewhere in the middle (not necessarily 50/50. Hopefully, you can clear up misunderstandings, and set up guidelines to avoid future problems and the friendship can be restored. Even if it turns out the friendship is beyond repair, at least you’ll know you did everything you could on your part, and you’ve released your own anger which isn’t healthy for you to carry around.

[Anonymous]

No. A former friend set out to hurt me and succeeded. I did not congratulate them when she had a baby. I’ve so cut them out that to this day I have no clue what the baby’s name is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP-Make the case to not congratulate this person. Explain why you wouldn’t.

I’m the one who deserves the congrats lol.

I raised this to a mutual friend saying that I was hurt this ex friend didn’t even congratulate me, she said it was normal because we haven’t spoken. Have not spoken for a year and a half. Had been friends with ex friend for 20 years.

If I fell out with someone and hadn’t spoken to them in over a year, I wouldn’t reach out for any reason unless I wanted to rekindle the friendship. Why do you expect correspondence, OP?

[Anonymous]

You can, but if you no longer speak it seems perfunctory.

[Anonymous]

Agree with the pp who said IF you see them on the street face to face, you can congratulate on the new baby. If you are considering social media, don’t do it. It looks like you are stalking her.