Miserable mom with eating disorder (again)

[Anonymous]

I posted about my mom back at thanksgiving. She was at my house and acting miserable and refusing to allow anyone to be happy or have fun. She doesn’t eat anything and makes comments about others eating anything. Well I am visiting her now and she is worse than ever. It is so hard to be around her. She makes me so uncomfortable to eat anything in front of her. I have bought a box of crackers and hide to eat them because I am so hungry, but she has cameras all over the place too, especially pointed at her kitchen! I wanted to have some breakfast this morning, but she washed and put all the dishes away before she went upstairs. So it would be awkward and uncomfortable to try to get something because she will notice “the mess” if I do get something. She is also a “clean freak” who gets upset about messes. I want to cut our relationship off, but she is my mom. She has been mean to me most of the time I have been here. The only reason I haven’t cut her out of my life completely is that my son loves her so much. Not really asking for advice, just venting. Last time I got a lot of support from dcum when I posted about her, and it did help, since I was struggling dealing with her so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I posted about my mom back at thanksgiving. She was at my house and acting miserable and refusing to allow anyone to be happy or have fun. She doesn’t eat anything and makes comments about others eating anything. Well I am visiting her now and she is worse than ever. It is so hard to be around her. She makes me so uncomfortable to eat anything in front of her. I have bought a box of crackers and hide to eat them because I am so hungry, but she has cameras all over the place too, especially pointed at her kitchen! I wanted to have some breakfast this morning, but she washed and put all the dishes away before she went upstairs. So it would be awkward and uncomfortable to try to get something because she will notice “the mess” if I do get something. She is also a “clean freak” who gets upset about messes. I want to cut our relationship off, but she is my mom. She has been mean to me most of the time I have been here. The only reason I haven’t cut her out of my life completely is that my son loves her so much. Not really asking for advice, just venting. Last time I got a lot of support from dcum when I posted about her, and it did help, since I was struggling dealing with her so much.

Hugs, OP. I hope you are staying in a hotel, or drastically limiting the stay to a minimum number of nights. Does her behavior get worse as time progresses?

MIL is like this too - she notices what everyone eats, and makes a big show of only eating half a serving (of whatever it is). If we go to lunch, she has to share a plate. Which is fine, but she likes to make a show of it. It is kind of exhausting because you know she is judging. But after a while, you really just don't care. Take care of yourself, put your self first, and limit your exposure. When you son gets old enough, he will see what is really happening, and will form his own opinions, without you saying anything. Only do what you can.

[Anonymous]

Please stop using your son as an excuse. I’m guessing that your son loves you even more than his grandmother. Why aren’t you worthy of the care needed to separate from this toxic person? Won’t you be a healthier, happy mom to him if you cut her off? Or at least just didn’t visit? It’s not okay for your kid’s parent to be hiding crackers. If you can’t see how f*cked up that is, maybe it’s time for some serious therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I posted about my mom back at thanksgiving. She was at my house and acting miserable and refusing to allow anyone to be happy or have fun. She doesn’t eat anything and makes comments about others eating anything. Well I am visiting her now and she is worse than ever. It is so hard to be around her. She makes me so uncomfortable to eat anything in front of her. I have bought a box of crackers and hide to eat them because I am so hungry, but she has cameras all over the place too, especially pointed at her kitchen! I wanted to have some breakfast this morning, but she washed and put all the dishes away before she went upstairs. So it would be awkward and uncomfortable to try to get something because she will notice “the mess” if I do get something. She is also a “clean freak” who gets upset about messes. I want to cut our relationship off, but she is my mom. She has been mean to me most of the time I have been here. The only reason I haven’t cut her out of my life completely is that my son loves her so much. Not really asking for advice, just venting. Last time I got a lot of support from dcum when I posted about her, and it did help, since I was struggling dealing with her so much.

Hugs, OP. I hope you are staying in a hotel, or drastically limiting the stay to a minimum number of nights. Does her behavior get worse as time progresses?

MIL is like this too - she notices what everyone eats, and makes a big show of only eating half a serving (of whatever it is). If we go to lunch, she has to share a plate. Which is fine, but she likes to make a show of it. It is kind of exhausting because you know she is judging. But after a while, you really just don't care. Take care of yourself, put your self first, and limit your exposure. When you son gets old enough, he will see what is really happening, and will form his own opinions, without you saying anything. Only do what you can.

Thank you! I am staying with her. I am leaving earlier than I planned because of the hostility she is showing towards me. Your mil sounds exactly like my mom. She told me that her doctor gave her a case of ensure because her weight is so low, but she doesn’t even drink that. She just talks about it like she is so proud of how underweight she is. She will order a sandwich and eat one fourth of it and then get mad and roll her eyes and shake her head when her husband orders what he wants, and comment that he doesn’t need all of that. She is very mean to him too. She has almost zero patience, and I think it’s because she is hungry. She doesn’t sleep well either, so it makes her even more impatient and angry.

[Anonymous]

Pretend you need to pick up something (a prescription?) and get takeout pizza.

You need to think about the situation sample she is setting for your son. Boys develop eating disorders too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please stop using your son as an excuse. I’m guessing that your son loves you even more than his grandmother. Why aren’t you worthy of the care needed to separate from this toxic person? Won’t you be a healthier, happy mom to him if you cut her off? Or at least just didn’t visit? It’s not okay for your kid’s parent to be hiding crackers. If you can’t see how f*cked up that is, maybe it’s time for some serious therapy.

You are actually so right, and I never even thought of that! I moved away from her as soon as I could as an adult and always felt guilty about the distance between us since my mom and son love each other, but holy crap you are so right. This helps so much. Thank you pp!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pretend you need to pick up something (a prescription?) and get takeout pizza.

You need to think about the situation sample she is setting for your son. Boys develop eating disorders too.

Surprisingly she loves to feed him and give him snacks. She just doesn’t want me or any other adults to eat anything.

[Anonymous]

Maybe start agreeing with her, tell her she’s getting fat and needs do cut back.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she has an illness. Can you look at it that way? You would not angry with a cancer patient for being cranky about that or someone with a broken bones not acting graciously all the time. I would just look I to how to handle patients with this condition and act accordingly. If you need to go out to get some food as part of it then do that. But maybe the condition is better treated by just modeling healthier behavior for her.

[Anonymous]

Your mother is mentally ill. It’s ok, so is mine. She can still understand boundaries. If her behavior ever crosses a line into some of the abuse you describe, you say “that was inappropriate, we are going to leave now,” and you take your son and go home. No negotiation. Eventually she will get it and behave or you will have to cut her off. Easier said than done, I know. But you can’t afford to let her walk all over you like this. You are too damn old to take this crap.

[Anonymous]

She does not have to come to your house for you two to have a relationship.

"Mom, before you come next Thursday, I want to tell you something. In my house, we eat. If you can't be around us without commenting about food and eating, you can't come to my house. In my house, we do clean, but we don't mind a little bit of mess, and we clean up at the end of the day. If you can't stop the commentary about messes, you may not come to my house. We will meet you someplace else if needed, but I won't have judgment about food, eating or messes in my home. I love you, but I will not tolerate this kind of behavior from you any longer. Are we on the same page?"

[Anonymous]

^^All the above comes for you won't visit in her home if she doesn't stop the food/eating/mess commentary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she has an illness. Can you look at it that way? You would not angry with a cancer patient for being cranky about that or someone with a broken bones not acting graciously all the time. I would just look I to how to handle patients with this condition and act accordingly. If you need to go out to get some food as part of it then do that. But maybe the condition is better treated by just modeling healthier behavior for her.

This is totally absurd and it sounds like you have no understanding of how to deal with mentally ill prople. You do not tolerate abusive behavior from someone because they are mentally ill. If OP’s husband had bipolar and was cursing her out or hitting her, would you advise her to not be angry with him?

[Anonymous]

Thank you dcum! I was so down. I have a lot to think about thanks to the good advice I have gotten. Yes, she has gotten worse since the last time I saw her. I did express my concern to her between thanksgiving and this visit and that’s when she told me about the ensure. Since I have been here she has not drank a single one. Her refrigerator is full of them though. Anyways thank you all for being so kind and giving me so much to think about. You have brought up some good points that I have not thought about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she has an illness. Can you look at it that way? You would not angry with a cancer patient for being cranky about that or someone with a broken bones not acting graciously all the time. I would just look I to how to handle patients with this condition and act accordingly. If you need to go out to get some food as part of it then do that. But maybe the condition is better treated by just modeling healthier behavior for her.

This is totally absurd and it sounds like you have no understanding of how to deal with mentally ill prople. You do not tolerate abusive behavior from someone because they are mentally ill. If OP’s husband had bipolar and was cursing her out or hitting her, would you advise her to not be angry with him?

Yes. You can make the call not to expose yourself to frank abuse without making harsh judgments about the abuser. At a certain point, it doesn't matter if it's intentional or not, or fully under the person's control. You don't have to let someone push you under without resisting just because they are drowning -- that makes for two drowned people.

There is someone (or more than one) DCUM who really takes personally the survival steps of relatives and friends of people with really raging and abusive mental illness. I'm truly sorry for whatever you have dealt with, but it doesn't change the fact that people don't have to light themselves on fire to keep someone else warm. That doesn't mean the other person isn't cold, or doesn't deserve to be warm -- but this is not the way. It's not okay.

Rare is the cancer patient who fetishizes her cancer, insists on praise for having cancer, and belittles and demeans other people for not being good enough, or strong enough, or disciplined enough to have contracted cancer. Rare is the guy with the broken bone who then goes around sneering at other people for having intact bones. This is not the same, PP. It isn't.