Miserable mom with eating disorder (again)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She does not have to come to your house for you two to have a relationship.

"Mom, before you come next Thursday, I want to tell you something. In my house, we eat. If you can't be around us without commenting about food and eating, you can't come to my house. In my house, we do clean, but we don't mind a little bit of mess, and we clean up at the end of the day. If you can't stop the commentary about messes, you may not come to my house. We will meet you someplace else if needed, but I won't have judgment about food, eating or messes in my home. I love you, but I will not tolerate this kind of behavior from you any longer. Are we on the same page?"

This is great advice!!! Plus, you don't want your kid to hear it, either. And stop going to her house if you're not allowed to peacefully eat when you need to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she has an illness. Can you look at it that way? You would not angry with a cancer patient for being cranky about that or someone with a broken bones not acting graciously all the time. I would just look I to how to handle patients with this condition and act accordingly. If you need to go out to get some food as part of it then do that. But maybe the condition is better treated by just modeling healthier behavior for her.

This is totally absurd and it sounds like you have no understanding of how to deal with mentally ill prople. You do not tolerate abusive behavior from someone because they are mentally ill. If OP’s husband had bipolar and was cursing her out or hitting her, would you advise her to not be angry with him?

I disagree that PP is giving absurd advice. It is simply another way to frame her mother's behavior. A mom is a lot different than a husband. You can dump and divorce a husband. Many people are not going to be willing to go no contact on a parent.

OP, set up boundaries (shorten visits or don't visit at meal times, etc.). It is unlikely that anything you say to your mom is going to make her better at this point. If it makes you feel better to confront her and get it off your chest, go for it, but, don't expect her to change her behavior in any way. This is a long entrenched mental illness.

[Anonymous]

Yes, this is clearly not someone that you should be going to restaurants with, sharing meals with, etc. My MIL is much the same way and for the most part, we have my husband visit her alone. I definitely don't want my teen daughters subject to the 'food policing' and the ridiculous talk about who was good and who was bad today, because they ate a cookie. My MIL wants to be praised for being so tiny and so petite and so delicate, and wants us all to spend our time begging and cajoling her to eat. I have to admit that in my earlier days I would purposely do things like show up with a bucket of chicken just to show her that I didn't care what she did. But now I simply am too old to participate in these "food games". When she starts up, we usually just say something like "talking about food is really boring. Who's read a good book or seen a good movie lately?" I spent a few years at the beginning of our relationship doing the 'granola bars in the bedroom' thing, and then said enough of that. Her house, her food, her issues. Not my issues!

[Anonymous]

Me again: Giving in to her constant eating disorder talk would be the equivalent of participating in someone's autistic perseverating, or someone's OCD . Just because this person is obsessed with body image issues doesn't mean you have to go along with. Move along. Talk about something else.

[Anonymous]

OP, if it is financially feasible, stay in a hotel. Otherwise you can call or FaceTime. It sounds like your mother is unable to host but unwilling to admit it.

I find that explaining this away with the family is the best way to end the conversation. Larla is getting older and can be active/needs a certain bedtime/ needs a lot of snacks etc. and we don’t want to overwhelm you.

None of that is cutting her off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She does not have to come to your house for you two to have a relationship.

"Mom, before you come next Thursday, I want to tell you something. In my house, we eat. If you can't be around us without commenting about food and eating, you can't come to my house. In my house, we do clean, but we don't mind a little bit of mess, and we clean up at the end of the day. If you can't stop the commentary about messes, you may not come to my house. We will meet you someplace else if needed, but I won't have judgment about food, eating or messes in my home. I love you, but I will not tolerate this kind of behavior from you any longer. Are we on the same page?"

This is great advice!!! Plus, you don't want your kid to hear it, either. And stop going to her house if you're not allowed to peacefully eat when you need to.

I agree as well! I think meeting in a neutral place for a short, non-meal and non-food focused activity would be the easiest.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry but what grown person let’s her mother bully her into not eating?! You need counseling stat because you are teaching your child to be a doormat.

Wtf if you are hungry you eat, you shouldn’t have to sneak food into her house

[Anonymous]

OP back with an update. I left yesterday. I could no longer deal with the silent treatment with subtle insults thrown at me, and the sarcasm, and the manipulation, and the not so subtle insults. I know leaving is going to cause her to stay very mad and hold a grudge, but I couldn’t take it anymore. Thanks again for all of the kind and supportive posts. You all gave me a lot to think about. But I really do appreciate the kindness, it is so hard to deal with people like my mom, and the kindness really helped yesterday. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m really proud of you. I know it can’t have been easy, but it was the right thing to do to protect yourself and your family.

Her issues are not your problem. You are strong and healthy and enjoy food and being nourished. I am so glad that you are making yourself and your family the priority. You deserve calm, sane and healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back with an update. I left yesterday. I could no longer deal with the silent treatment with subtle insults thrown at me, and the sarcasm, and the manipulation, and the not so subtle insults. I know leaving is going to cause her to stay very mad and hold a grudge, but I couldn’t take it anymore. Thanks again for all of the kind and supportive posts. You all gave me a lot to think about. But I really do appreciate the kindness, it is so hard to deal with people like my mom, and the kindness really helped yesterday. Thanks.

That’s great OP. Sending you some love. It’s not easy to deal with a parent who is mean, even when you are an adult and have the autonomy to walk away. You may want to talk to a therapist about developing boundaries for yourself and interactions with your mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back with an update. I left yesterday. I could no longer deal with the silent treatment with subtle insults thrown at me, and the sarcasm, and the manipulation, and the not so subtle insults. I know leaving is going to cause her to stay very mad and hold a grudge, but I couldn’t take it anymore. Thanks again for all of the kind and supportive posts. You all gave me a lot to think about. But I really do appreciate the kindness, it is so hard to deal with people like my mom, and the kindness really helped yesterday. Thanks.

Another PP that is really proud of you. FYI, we can be touchstones for you, you know? Remind you that this is disordered thinking, and that you are not bad for not participating in it.

Please remember that you can create a new norm with these boundaries. The first time is the hardest. It's normal to feel shaky doing it. The next couple of times are usually hard, too. But after that, it's often accepted, and it just is -- you don't have to keep justifying it. As much as possible, just be calm and matter of fact, and above all, consistent.

You can do this. You really can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she has an illness. Can you look at it that way? You would not angry with a cancer patient for being cranky about that or someone with a broken bones not acting graciously all the time. I would just look I to how to handle patients with this condition and act accordingly. If you need to go out to get some food as part of it then do that. But maybe the condition is better treated by just modeling healthier behavior for her.

This is totally absurd and it sounds like you have no understanding of how to deal with mentally ill prople. You do not tolerate abusive behavior from someone because they are mentally ill. If OP’s husband had bipolar and was cursing her out or hitting her, would you advise her to not be angry with him?

+1,000,000 A great example is with say alcoholism. You can feel angry with the alcoholic and you absolutely set boundaries and don't enable bad behavior. it is never OK to be abusive. Never.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like what my own mother will be like soon.

When I was breastfeeding my first (maybe 5 days old?) she was here to “help” and I said how hungry I was. She gave me 1/4 of a sandwich and when I asked if there was more, she said I didn’t need it because I had to lose the weight.

[Anonymous]

OP, you don't want your son learning this eating disordered behavior do you? Or starving at her house??

Your mom is sick. She has an illness. And I am so sorry. You need to protect yourself and your child. You two need to have access to meals AT ALL TIMES.

From now on, I'd make your mother visit you, not other way around. If she complains about you eating, tell her she has an eating disorder, you don't. You eat 3 square a day. If she marches out, let her.

[Anonymous]

Your family doesn't only have to be your "family of origin."